Whalers win Despite Briere being stuck at the lumber yard

Against impossible odds, the Waterford Whalers pulled out an impressive win on Thurs night 3-2 against the Tropics the best team in the league.  Playing a defensive style of play, the opposing team had difficulties cracking the impenetrable Whalers defense.

Led by outstanding goal keeper Hawthorne Heights, whom made 38 saves in the low scoring victory.  The Whalers show the league, that they can hang with the best.

But, the real story is why were the Whalers so successful?

Could it be the spectacular defense.  Or the great goal-tending. Maybe the players finally listen to Coach Ace's whiteboard.

Nope, the team for some reason started to play better.  Let me look at the roster for a second here, and see what it could of been.

Hmm...I'm perplexed about this one.

But, Seth and Matt provided the offense.  Matt tallied the game winner on the powerplay. Late in the third the Rock Lobster went in on a break-away, and was up ended with a trip. 

A bewildered Buzz Killington was in awe with Rock Lobster's heroic effort. "I never saw a crustacean fly in the air like that.  Good thing his mullet broke his fall.  That's like having a home grown parachute." 

With the man advantage Tuna accepted a hand pass from the Chief Editor and made a chip pass across the crease.  Matt batted the Tuna pass in mid air, for the third and decisive goal of the evening.    It was unbelievable.     

Meanwhile, at the Lumber yard, the assistant captain of the Whalers, Briere was busy taking orders.  "Hey, buddy can you hurry up.  I need my truck loaded now."

Briere not paying attention to the customer, listens to his transistor radio feed of the Whalers game.    "Hold on a second sir."

In the closing minutes of the game the Tropics controlled much of the play in the Whalers end, trying to even the score.  Ace took a vicious body check in the corner, and was very shaken up by the play.  Falling to the ice, Ace crawled to his skates.

"Ace get the hell up! Screamed Briere from the lumber yard.

A frustrated customer is annoyed that his order is taking so long.  "My mother in law, moves faster than you kid."

Hawthorn however made key saves in the dying minutes.  His glove save with 20 seconds left sealed the Whalers fate for victory.

"Yeah!!!!" Briere jumps for joy as hears the final seconds of the game.  Inspired by the win, Briere does a patented whirl wind fist pump.

"Kid, I don't give a hoot about your hockey team.  Get off your ass, and load my truck up."

The joyous moment, has passed.  Briere puts away his transistor radio, and begins to carry the customer's lumber to his van.  

Afterwards in the locker-room, the Chief Editor makes a victory speech.  "Guys that's how you win in this league, by playing defense.  Tonight we played incredible in front of Hawthorne.  That was the best team in the league we just beat.  Now, if we continue to play like that, we have a shot at the playoffs.  It was a very gutsy performance by everyone tonight.  Don't think, its going to get any easier.  Show up next week, with the same defensive mentality.  Great job boys!"

The Whalers improve their record to 2-6, with only 2 games remaining in the schedule.  Next week, the Whalers host Gentleman's Club Wednesday at 1025pm. 

  

Ugh....Whalers plummet to 1-6

In a season with constant disappointments and controversial line changes, the Waterford Whalers have reached the bottom of the barrel.  This past week, the Whalers dropped both games to inferior opponents. With these loses, playoffs are a far stretch.

Coach Ace trying to institute a strategic game-plan, was unsuccessful in his objective.  Busting out his white board this is what Ace came up with.  

Assistant Captain Briere was non-to pleased about Ace's whiteboard scheme. "Why the hell are you bringing a whiteboard to a Men's league game?  Can that whiteboard draw-up my offensive talents.  No, so sit back down Ace."

Ace not backing down fired back at Briere "Well maybe if you backcheck more and didn't skate lack a sac of turds Briere, I wouldn't have to bring this whiteboard.  If you want to continue to skate it to the blue line, and take meaningless slapshots go ahead.  But, the rest of the team is trying to win here."

Briere insulted by Ace's remarks replies "Ace shut the fuck up!  You should concern yourself more of making a break-out pass, instead of trying to skate it up." Briere points to Ace's whiteboard.   "I've been standing at that neutral zone face-off dot the entire game and not once have you attempted to make a pass."

"Briere that's my entire point. If you would skate more and contribute more defensively, our team wouldn't be losing." Ace remarks.

"Ace, you suck. Nothing you say makes any sense.  Put, that gay whiteboard away, or I'm going to shove it up your ass!" Briere frustrated skates away, and position himselfs at the neutral zone face- off dot.

A hard look in the mirror and the Whalers have improved drastically since the beginning of the season, but Briere's line has been a detrimental to the team's success.  Their inconsistent scoring, and defensive liabilities have been in question. 

An email from a disgruntle former player had very harsh words for this line.  "These guys on Briere's line think they are far superior than anybody else.  I just wanted to get a skate in, and these a-holes would call me off the ice after 20 seconds. I would reconsider if these guys were any good, but they are not.  The only thing Briere is good for is a -4 every game, and an over elaborate celebration for a meaningless goal.  I may have gotten my money back, but next time I see this guys, watch your back.  I just got my skates sharpen muther-fucker."

With only 3 games remaining in the season, the Whalers would have to win out, and get help from some other teams, if they would lock a playoff spot. But, a bright spot has been the play of the third line with Tuna, Rock Lobster and Stilts.  Scoring 3 goals on Thurs night, this line has been an offensive Juggernaut. Led by mullet waving Rock Lobster, who tallied 2 goals and a assist.  When ask about this offensive outburst, Rock Lobster credited his hard work ethic.

"I've been skating with a 50lb weighted vest during public skate.  This really helps, and I recommend everyone else to do the same. I also do a lot of deep sea diving with my lobster claw.  This requires a superior amount of lung capacity, and durable reflexes to fight off unwanted sea creatures.  After, I finish a dive, I like to pound a case of Bud, and shot pucks."

Next opponent for the Whalers is the dreaded Tropics Thurs June 13 at 8pm who dismantled the Whalers during Master P's blow-up on the ice.  Come early as each fan receives an autograph print by Coach Ace.

     Go Whale Go!

Master P Placed on Waivers, Whalers start the season 0-3.

The Waterford Whalers have decided to place 3rd Line superstar Master P on waivers.  This comes after another dismal defeat on Wed Night, in which Master P created a scene on the ice and in the locker-room.

With 0.47 seconds left in the third period, Master P's line gave up a goal, and was pulled in favor of the first line. But, a not too pleased Master P made a boisterous verbal concern about his playing time.

"I paid $180 just like everyone else, and I demand to play the equal amount of playing time. You guys shafted me the first game, in which I only got 2 shifts the entire game. This is bullshit, you guys are not even that good.  I believe Briere leads the league with a -21 and 123 turnovers. At least I blocked a shot or two. Fuck this, I'm not getting off the ice."

 When the final horn had sound, Master P was still on the ice, not pleased that he didn't played equal minutes to the top line.  Boiling over from this incident Master P continue to voice his displeasure in the locker-room.

The Chief Editor addressed the team after the lost "Ok, guys we played a lot better tonight.  We just need to work on cleaning up the turnovers in the defensive zone.  I feel like we've been improving each game, and  the wins will come."

Master P interrupts the Chief Editor "Fuck that, I don't care if we win or lose.  People should get off the ice and let me play more.  Do you know the pain and suffering, I had to go through to get that league money.  I had to work 2 weeks non-stop changing tires in a junkyard.  The rest of you muther-fuckers don't do that."

"We tried to keep the shifts as equal as possible Master P.  It's tough with 3 lines, that somebody is going to get shafted a couple of minutes or so." The Chief Editor Replied.

A frustrated Seth didn't beat around the bush and let Master P have it."I don't even know why you signed up.  You're horrible out there.  It's like watching Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix every-time you skate.

Master P threw his skate down in frustration and lost it.  "You want to go motherfucker, I'm not afraid to thrown down.  I've wrestled Mountain Lions bigger than you.  I even punched the Bearded Lady in her man junk.  I also stabbed 4 juggalos at an Insane Clown Posse concert.  I ain't afraid of nobody."

"Master P chill out."  A concerned Hawthorne Heights replied.

After throwing his skate at his bag,  Master P made a dash for the exit, and took a smoke break in the parking lot. 

When reached for comment, Master P only had this to say "I want my money back."

The Whalers Organization had no choice but to place Master P on waivers and cut ties with this Waterford Hockey legend.  "It's tough to see Master P go out like this.  But, it's in his best interest to leave and go to public skate and get the amount of playing time that is suitable for him."

With Master P out of the picture, the Whalers have announced his replacement. 

  Yes this crooked hockey card is the great Ace. 

With an 0-3 start to the season the Whalers have a tough climb ahead to reach the playoffs.  By adding Ace to the line-up in creates depth to defense.  Ace will be anchoring the blue line with Buzz Killington, and Renshaw will be moved up to offense.

Ace gives us another skater to the team.  His character is flawed with idiotic comments, and dramatic fake injuries. But, his skating abilities will help.  Maybe that is.  Hey, its better than having Master P complaining about playing time.

Briere Purchases Whalers to Promote New Bar

It seemed the chants of "Go Whale Go" were a distant memory of the Waterford franchise.  But, after long negotiations with The Happy Family Corporation, a deal has been signed to bring the Whalers back to the Waterford metropolitan area. 

CEO of Rigorous Forechecker INC Briere has built a new local pub in the Waterford Region.  Wanting to gain more promotional business Briere decided to purchase the Whalers franchise from a Chinese Restaurant. 

 A once proud organization was taken over by The Happy Family corporation and turned the hockey team into a wait staff and delivery service for the Chinese Restaurant.  But after major complaints about labor conditions, the Happy Family decided to fire the staff and bring in local migrant workers instead.  The only remains of the Whalers organization were constant loops of their 2010 Roller Hockey championship video, played in the restaurant's waiting room.

The Whalers will take to the ice this Spring at the Flyers Skate Zone Division C League.

Briere was very elated about the recent deal "For the first time in 2 years Waterford will have a hockey team again.  I will also be co-captain of the team, and will bring a gritty style of play that fans will cherish.  I'm also announcing 2 free appetizers to all fans, who bring their game stubs to my bar Denim Dans.  This is a monumental day for all citizens of Waterford, as we look forward to our Whalers taking the ice this Spring."

Opening night is this Thurs at 9:40pm against league champion Warriors.  The game still has limited tickets available at the box office. 

Winter Classic Recap

Quads scores Game Winner, to Seal First Victory of the Season

Gather boys and girls around the warm glow of the computer monitor.  I'm going to tell you the legendary story of a man that was persecuted for wearing out of date skating mechanisms.   This man was of a large physique, and an even larger hockey loving heart.

He went by the name of Quad Skates, or as the locals would yell, "Quads what the hell are you doing?" Now, even though he wore older and non-inline hockey skates, he was a man not to be reckon with on the rink.  His shot unpredictable, but ferocious.  His speed lighting fast.  His hockey sense, not the greatest.  But, his character was nevre to be questioned.

Our story begins at the Flyers's Skatezone in the winter months.  The exact date, it is still unclear.  A super negative force of  two bitter and grouchy individuals.  Not to mention names, but Eric and Tyler begrudgingly outcast-ed  Quads for being irresponsible on the rink.  Any mistake, or wrong doing, Quads would get a ear full from the bench.

"How is a Quads going to learn, if he is constantly ostracized?"  a wise flannel loving Carny commented.

"I'm sorry Quads is a nice guy, but I don't want to play with him. I just want to take penalties and soak in my misery."  Eric the Sour Puss replied.

The negativity of the Super Negativity line was a force even a man with the statue of Quad's character couldn't ignore.

"Those guys just need to relax.  Tyler always has this grand plan of playing the "Tyler" way, while the Sour Puss Eric is too busy arguing that I need to take more penalties." Quads observed.

It was a tough season for Quads.  The Koolaid Killers exited in the semi-finals. He led the league again in an whopping 11,000 turnovers.  And the manufacturer that assembled his toe-stoppers closed out of business.  Quads feeling dejected and heart broken, decided to take his game to the outdoors.

The outdoor league was a morale booster for Quads, he could play like the good ole Quads way.  Skate as fast as you can, and not worry about position.  Quads flourished under an unconventional system, that utilized his blistering wrist shot, and the quick mobility of his toe stoppers. 

But, the outdoor league turned into another obstacle.  In the semi-finals, Quad's team were involved in a fight with a bunch of teenage punks.  Quads on the bench, when the incident occurred kept his cool and didn't partake in the fighting.  The outcome of the physical melee, caused an immediate suspensions of both teams from the league. 

Quads once again, was heart broken.  He loved the outdoor league, he thought he could happily retire to the outdoors and never think again of the suffering he endured while playing with the Super Negativity Line.  All he could think of was Eric and Tyler screaming "Quads why are shooting on our goalie!"

Retirement was a resolution Quads thought about over the next few months. He decided to give indoor another try, and keep up his skills on the 30 and over league.  On a unskilled roster, Quads became a instant super star.  Even though, the team struggled to maintain a 500 record, Quads was welcomed with open arms.
With his new team, getting blown out on regular bases.  Quads became frustrated with his teammates. "Its bad when I lead the team in goals, assists,+/-. playing time, and I'm still not even close to the team leader in turnovers per game.  I think, I saw the one guy on our team, play with a backwards blade."

Back to present day, as of Sunday.  Head GM, Swiss Cheese Ronda in a pickle of a situation, couldn't get enough guys signed up on the Koolaid Killers roster.  The decision to give Quads another chance, was something not in debate.  "I would take anybody at this point.  I would even give the cute girl who works the score clock a tryout."  Swiss Cheese Ronda farted.  Innocent bystanders just collapsed from the fumes of Swiss Cheese Ronda's monstrous fart.  

In the second game of the season, the Koolaid Killers were force to skate with only 4 Skaters, against the defending champions Kaos.  Quads unable to get dressed in time, the Killers were on the penalty kill in the early minutes. 

With the man-advantage, Kaos scored a redirected shot off of Stilts's stick that pop flied over a sprawling Ronda.  The puck was in the air for a good 10 seconds, as Ronda contemplating whether to get up and catch the puck, or take his chances and let the puck go over the net.  The chance wound up in the back of the net. 

Kaos took a early commanding lead of 5-1.  The Koolaid Killers huffing and puffing as every grueling second ticked off the clock were exhausted.  If the Koolaid Killers were going to win this game they would need a spark of energy or a person to step up.

Well, that so person happen to be the newly signed free-agent Matt Opperman. Matt with his physical play, and endless hockey spirit rallied for 2 goals at the end of the first half.  With the Koolaid Killers down 5-3 at the half-time intermission (this new league only plays two 24 minute halves) the comeback seemed manageable. 

Quads on the bench gave a speech that spoke true to his journey as an Adult League Hockey Player.  "Men, I've been playing this game for a very long time.  I skated with Abraham Lincoln at the Battle of Gettysburg.   I fought the communisst with steel roller wheels at the Bay of Pigs.  I even, trail blazed with Colonel Custer while shuffling to Frekazoid .  What, I learned in those experiences, is that the fight is never over,as long as I have the ability to skate with my galvanized toe-stoppers.  These skates, were custom made by the Native Quad skaters, whom know the ins and outs of the proper quad skating technique.  We can't lose gentlemen!"

Quads shuffling at the Battle of Little Big Horn

The rousing speech motivated the Koolaid Killers to tie the game at 5-5, Matt scored two more goals, by flying down the wing and firing a cannon of a shot.  

In a tied game, the Killers shut down the opposing team, forcing outside shots and low percentage opportunities.  Swiss Cheese Ronda, decided to melt his gaping holes as he covered every shot towards his direction. 

Matt scored two more goals to give the Koolaid Killer their first lead of the game.  Kaos scored a quick goal in the dying minutes to make it a 7-6.  During a scrum in the neutral zone boards, Quads gathered a loose puck and fired a bouncing puck into an empty net.  "Those are the type of goalies I like to face, ones that are not in the net." Quads commented later in the locker-room.

Kaos scored another late goal to make it a 8-7 contest, but with only 6 seconds, it was too late for another shot.  Quads had done it, he scored the decisive goal, to give the Koolaid Killers a gut wrenching iron-man victory.

Even though Matt Opperman had scored 6 goals, and was the only reason the Killers had any offense , Quads was praised by his teammates.  Quads, skating around the rink for a victory lap acknowledge the sell out crowd of 22,000 at Choice Inline.  Roses, were thrown on the rink.  Quads picked up the  roses and flowers , fighting tears, Quads gave a bow and blew kisses to all of the fans.  "I thank you all for believing in me, and my Quad Skates."

The other teammates of the Koolaid Killers gathered on the bench, and noticed something odd about the situation.  "Is it me, or I'm I the only person to noticed that Quads was wearing inline Skates tonight?"  A dumbfounded Stilts remarked.

"Just let Quads have his moment." the Chief Editor replied.  Stilts nodded his head, and began to clap his hands for a performance well done.









    

Whooo 2011 NHL Season