Bubble Hockey Player leads Koolaid Killers to First Victory

Coldplay prepared to rip a wrist shot

Last night the Koolaid Killers won their first game of the season 7-3, thanks in large part to a certain individual whom channeled a favorite childhood bubble hockey passion.  Forward Coldplay had been under a lot of pain this season.  Mostly due to his grueling European tour, and hectic lifestyle as a world renown Pop star. 

The Koolaid Killers forward was suffering with his inability to skate around their offensive zone.  So, Assistant Captain Quad Skates had a brilliant idea on how to utilize the talents of Coldplay without the physical effort of skating. 

"I was pondering what I could do, to make Coldplay move faster.   At first,  I contemplating of putting Coldplay on a Segway and let him hovering around the offensive zone in ease.  But, time wasn't on our side, and we didn't have any access to a Segway or any mobile transportation unit.  I decided to tie a large rope to Coldplay's waist, and have our goalie Swiss Cheese Ronda control Coldplay like he has a forward in a Bubble hockey game. 

Coldplay just needed to take a few strides forward, and then Swiss Cheese Ronda could pull him back in our defensive zone.  The momentum from the rope, would allow Coldplay to not use any foot work, and he could easily set sail back to our zone. 

Then when we wanted him to skate in the offensive zone, Swiss Cheese Ronda, could give him a large push, and let him fly down the center of the rink.  But we had the rope still tied to him, so if he went to far Ronda could always pull him back."

Opponent Massacre was confused by the strategy of the Koolaid Killers, and were baffled by the ability of Coldplay's Bubble hockey finesse.    It seemed as though Coldplay was a Soviet Union forward spinning in circles awaiting for the puck to come in his 360 degree radius. 

Swiss Cheese Ronda not only had a remarkable game in net stopping 20shots, but he also had the task of controlling Coldplay's every motion.  " This really took me back to my childhood of playing the famous bubble hockey games of USA vs USSR.  But this wore me out physically, like I didn't remember getting so tired from playing this game as a kid.  Next time, Coldplay should just rent a Hovearound."

In the game action Joey "Domo Arigato" Morotto had a spectacular game with 3 goals and 3 assists.  He broke open the scoring in the second period, with a highlight reel goal.  Joey took a pass from the Chief Editor, and barred down towards the goal.  He then carried the puck behind the net, and spun around the slot, by shielding the puck on his backhand.   He grunted a fierce backhand shot that went top-shelf over the goalie's right shoulder.

Mogilny had an orgasm somewhere, on the quality of the goal.

Coldplay, though limited with his Bubble Hockey mobility, still managed to contribute to the team's offense.  He had a goal and 2 assists.  Coldplay wasn't shocked of his brilliant performance.  "When you rule the world for a living, a minor set back of blisters on your ankles is nothing.  I'm surprised I didn't score anymore goals. Next time I will bring a longer stick, so Ronda won't have to push and pull me as much."

Tyler Irwin also set a Men's League Roller hockey record of being a +12, in a game where his team only scored 7 goals.  It is the first time, a player was credited with + even when his team didn't score a goal.  The officials thought, that Tyler was such a beast on defense, that they awarded him with 5 extra pluses.

Official John Gault amazed by Tyler Irwin's defensive play

Official John Gault was in awe of the defensive clinic Tyler put on Thursday night.  "I've never scene anybody play defense like that.  I didn't know what to do.  So me and the other ref, called central hockey operations in Toronto.  We wanted to be the first referees to install the new pluses rule.  They said, "Who the hell is this?"   I interpreted that as a yes, and the rest is history."

The official Score Sheet is as follows: Joe Morotto 3goals 3 assists +6 Chief Editor 2 goals 1 assist +6 Coldplay 1 goal 2 assists +6 Stilts 2 assists +5 Quad Skates 1goal 2 assists -2 Tyler Irwin 2 assist +12.  Swiss Cheese Ronda 20 saves, 3.00 GAA .865 Save Percentage. 

Next game is Feb 10 at 10pm against Steel Wheels, don't forget to "Vote for the Coach".  We have XL and XXL t-shirts for sale $12 bucks. 

Hunt for a New Coach

After a disappointing lost to Schooley Electric 8-6 last Thursday, management of the Koolaid Killers have decided to bring some expertise on the bench.  

"We feel the direction of the team is very sporadic, and chaotic on the bench.  We hoped Gang Green could organized the lines and make some motivational speeches.  But he is to preoccupied sending viruses on the Internet to New York Rangers fans.   Gang Green's actions have banned him from facebook, and has gained the nickname Rosco "The Virus" Gang Green.

So as an organization we looked to the Waterford Faithful Brigade for a candidate to help guide the Koolaid Killers to victory.  Our list included Master P, War Machine, Evil Mogilny, and Joel Otto.  It was a difficult decision to make, but we put each candidate through a grueling interview process."

First we brought in Master P and sat down with the previous Waterford Whalers coach.   Looking at your resume you have a history of success with men's league hockey teams.  What can you bring to the Koolaid Killers organization? 

Master P contemplating which burrito to order at Baja Fresh

 Master P:  Considering on how well I coach the Whalers last season, I don't see why I couldn't do the same, and even do better.  Those Whalers were a bunch of pansies, and I had to crack the whip to stop the bitching and complaining.  The Koolaid Killers have a lot more potential, which is something I never had with the Whalers.  When your top line consists of Boytanio and mini Boytanio there is something awfully wrong.

What is your philosophy on coaching?

Master P:  First I like to lay down the rules.  Everyone is going to skate hard, stick up for one another, and fight to very last second of the game.  I liked to install the 2-1-1.  That is two men hard on the forecheck, followed by one defense men  hanging in the neutral zone, and the other defence man hanging back in his own defensive zone.  I named the system after my favorite restaurant the Baja Fresh Lock.

Thank You Mr. Master P, we will be in touch with you shortly on our decision.

Next we brought in Waterford Hockey legend the War Machine.  His accolades include starting a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King 1999 at open roller hockey at the Colosseum.  Where he kick somebody in the nuts with his skate.  He also is know for firing his own team up, by starting a scrap or two.   Also his fireworks shows at the Waterford Gardens have received high remarks, by the Googily Gazette news publication.   

War Machine laughing at the idea of kicking somebody in the nuts

 Mr. War Machine do you have any coaching experience?

War Machine: No, but I have a lot of ass kicking experience.  I didn't start a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King day 1999 for no apparent reason.  

Isn't that ironic, that you started a physical altercation on a day that celebrates a man who was known for spreading peace by non-violence.

War Machine: Well, you can't have peace unless you have a War.  And I don't like this nonsense diplomatic non violent shit.  Like lets have a discussion and talk about it bullshit.  When you're in the heat of the moment, do you want to talk to your enemy, or do you want to do a spiraling spin kick to your opponent's gonads."

Ok, next we brought in Evil Mogilny to discuss the opportunity of being the Koolaid Killers next coach.  Evil Mogilny just not a pretty face that sacrifices goats, and knocks up mummified Egyptians.  He has won an astonishing 13 Tannsoboro Deck Hockey Championships, 3 Bronze League Championships, 2 square dancing honorable mentions awards, and 1 awesome Iroc Z. 

Evil Mogilny enjoying a lager

 Evil Mogilny, Why should the Koolaid Killers consider you a candidate for their vacant head coaching position?

Evil Mogilny:  Sorry I couldn't hear your question, all of my trophies are blocking my ability to hear at this moment.  Let me move this one at of the way, yeah let move this one as well.  Damn, I didn't know I had so many trophies.  What was the question again?

What makes you a qualified candidate as a head coach?

Evil Mogilny:  Damn, I really need to build another room for all these trophies I collected.  I still can't hear your question.  Let me back up my bulldozer to clear a space, from all these nuisances Championships I collected over the years.  If only I was a mere average human being, I wouldn't have this problem.  But being the greatest, the responsibility of cleaning and organizing trophies comes along with it.

Ok, we get the point that you have won a lot of trophies over the years.  But with all that success will that translate to coaching.  You have no experience coaching, and when people looked into your eyes they see a mad man who is going to ear their skin off.  How will you relate to your players? 

Evil Mogilny:  Listen did people question Marty McFly that he wouldn't be able to get back to the year 1985.  Yes, he was young, naive, and had a sweet ass hoverboard.  I too, like Marty McFly have a prized hoverboard, buy mine is also from the year 1985 and it is a Camaro Midnight Blue Iroc Z.  Do you think any mullet flying American has such a desired possession.  I had to restore, and baby this automobile over the years.   With this attention to detail, I could easily coach a men's league Bronze team. 

But Marty McFly also had "Doc" to help restore the flux capacitor in the  DeLorean DMC-12.   What are you going to do when the chips are thin and you need a spark on your team?  Who is going to come to the aid of Evil Mogilny?

Evil Mogilny:  I'm sorry, I still can't hear you.  These damn trophies keep piling up. Oh, can you feel the greatness in the air.

With the final candidate being Joel Otto, Detroit Rock City native, and Waterford Hockey alumni from 2005-2007.  He is known for his epic end to end defensive rushes, where he loses control of the ball before his first blue-line.  Joel Otto was heroic in his battles with the Original Harry Potter, who casts many spells on Joel Otto. 

Joel Otto captured under a Harry Potter motionless spell

Mr. Otto, I have to ask, why are you considered a coaching candidate?  You were a terrible Waterford Hockey player, you live in Detroit, and last time I heard your were still recovering from a motionless spell Harry Potter cast on you. 

Joel Otto:  I think the best coaches tend to be the players that were not gifted or had any honorable marks as a player.  Granted I admit I was one of the worse players to ever step on the Waterford Gardens, I learned a lot in my playing days.  First I would tell my players to not mess with an opposing player that has the ability to cast magical spells, or who is an apprentice at Hogwarts Academy.  

What kind of system would you install if your were coach?

Joel Otto: Watching Detroit Red Wing games, I was a great admire of Scotty Bowman.  His left wing lock, was historic and won the Red Wings 3 championships.  I think, I too can have the same success in using the left wing lock.   Also I would like to see my defense men rush the puck, and not making any initial passes.  I want them to not be afraid of carrying the puck end to end.  That's the Joel Otto way.

The Koolaid Killers wants you the fans to decided who deserves a shot at coaching the Koolaid Killers the rest of the season.  In the far right corner, a poll question will be asked by the readers to cast their vote.  Your options are the four candidates interviewed in this article.  Please vote as much as possible, and stand up to the establishment koolaid drinkers!