Briere Purchases Whalers to Promote New Bar

It seemed the chants of "Go Whale Go" were a distant memory of the Waterford franchise.  But, after long negotiations with The Happy Family Corporation, a deal has been signed to bring the Whalers back to the Waterford metropolitan area. 

CEO of Rigorous Forechecker INC Briere has built a new local pub in the Waterford Region.  Wanting to gain more promotional business Briere decided to purchase the Whalers franchise from a Chinese Restaurant. 

 A once proud organization was taken over by The Happy Family corporation and turned the hockey team into a wait staff and delivery service for the Chinese Restaurant.  But after major complaints about labor conditions, the Happy Family decided to fire the staff and bring in local migrant workers instead.  The only remains of the Whalers organization were constant loops of their 2010 Roller Hockey championship video, played in the restaurant's waiting room.

The Whalers will take to the ice this Spring at the Flyers Skate Zone Division C League.

Briere was very elated about the recent deal "For the first time in 2 years Waterford will have a hockey team again.  I will also be co-captain of the team, and will bring a gritty style of play that fans will cherish.  I'm also announcing 2 free appetizers to all fans, who bring their game stubs to my bar Denim Dans.  This is a monumental day for all citizens of Waterford, as we look forward to our Whalers taking the ice this Spring."

Opening night is this Thurs at 9:40pm against league champion Warriors.  The game still has limited tickets available at the box office. 

Winter Classic Recap

Quads scores Game Winner, to Seal First Victory of the Season

Gather boys and girls around the warm glow of the computer monitor.  I'm going to tell you the legendary story of a man that was persecuted for wearing out of date skating mechanisms.   This man was of a large physique, and an even larger hockey loving heart.

He went by the name of Quad Skates, or as the locals would yell, "Quads what the hell are you doing?" Now, even though he wore older and non-inline hockey skates, he was a man not to be reckon with on the rink.  His shot unpredictable, but ferocious.  His speed lighting fast.  His hockey sense, not the greatest.  But, his character was nevre to be questioned.

Our story begins at the Flyers's Skatezone in the winter months.  The exact date, it is still unclear.  A super negative force of  two bitter and grouchy individuals.  Not to mention names, but Eric and Tyler begrudgingly outcast-ed  Quads for being irresponsible on the rink.  Any mistake, or wrong doing, Quads would get a ear full from the bench.

"How is a Quads going to learn, if he is constantly ostracized?"  a wise flannel loving Carny commented.

"I'm sorry Quads is a nice guy, but I don't want to play with him. I just want to take penalties and soak in my misery."  Eric the Sour Puss replied.

The negativity of the Super Negativity line was a force even a man with the statue of Quad's character couldn't ignore.

"Those guys just need to relax.  Tyler always has this grand plan of playing the "Tyler" way, while the Sour Puss Eric is too busy arguing that I need to take more penalties." Quads observed.

It was a tough season for Quads.  The Koolaid Killers exited in the semi-finals. He led the league again in an whopping 11,000 turnovers.  And the manufacturer that assembled his toe-stoppers closed out of business.  Quads feeling dejected and heart broken, decided to take his game to the outdoors.

The outdoor league was a morale booster for Quads, he could play like the good ole Quads way.  Skate as fast as you can, and not worry about position.  Quads flourished under an unconventional system, that utilized his blistering wrist shot, and the quick mobility of his toe stoppers. 

But, the outdoor league turned into another obstacle.  In the semi-finals, Quad's team were involved in a fight with a bunch of teenage punks.  Quads on the bench, when the incident occurred kept his cool and didn't partake in the fighting.  The outcome of the physical melee, caused an immediate suspensions of both teams from the league. 

Quads once again, was heart broken.  He loved the outdoor league, he thought he could happily retire to the outdoors and never think again of the suffering he endured while playing with the Super Negativity Line.  All he could think of was Eric and Tyler screaming "Quads why are shooting on our goalie!"

Retirement was a resolution Quads thought about over the next few months. He decided to give indoor another try, and keep up his skills on the 30 and over league.  On a unskilled roster, Quads became a instant super star.  Even though, the team struggled to maintain a 500 record, Quads was welcomed with open arms.
With his new team, getting blown out on regular bases.  Quads became frustrated with his teammates. "Its bad when I lead the team in goals, assists,+/-. playing time, and I'm still not even close to the team leader in turnovers per game.  I think, I saw the one guy on our team, play with a backwards blade."

Back to present day, as of Sunday.  Head GM, Swiss Cheese Ronda in a pickle of a situation, couldn't get enough guys signed up on the Koolaid Killers roster.  The decision to give Quads another chance, was something not in debate.  "I would take anybody at this point.  I would even give the cute girl who works the score clock a tryout."  Swiss Cheese Ronda farted.  Innocent bystanders just collapsed from the fumes of Swiss Cheese Ronda's monstrous fart.  

In the second game of the season, the Koolaid Killers were force to skate with only 4 Skaters, against the defending champions Kaos.  Quads unable to get dressed in time, the Killers were on the penalty kill in the early minutes. 

With the man-advantage, Kaos scored a redirected shot off of Stilts's stick that pop flied over a sprawling Ronda.  The puck was in the air for a good 10 seconds, as Ronda contemplating whether to get up and catch the puck, or take his chances and let the puck go over the net.  The chance wound up in the back of the net. 

Kaos took a early commanding lead of 5-1.  The Koolaid Killers huffing and puffing as every grueling second ticked off the clock were exhausted.  If the Koolaid Killers were going to win this game they would need a spark of energy or a person to step up.

Well, that so person happen to be the newly signed free-agent Matt Opperman. Matt with his physical play, and endless hockey spirit rallied for 2 goals at the end of the first half.  With the Koolaid Killers down 5-3 at the half-time intermission (this new league only plays two 24 minute halves) the comeback seemed manageable. 

Quads on the bench gave a speech that spoke true to his journey as an Adult League Hockey Player.  "Men, I've been playing this game for a very long time.  I skated with Abraham Lincoln at the Battle of Gettysburg.   I fought the communisst with steel roller wheels at the Bay of Pigs.  I even, trail blazed with Colonel Custer while shuffling to Frekazoid .  What, I learned in those experiences, is that the fight is never over,as long as I have the ability to skate with my galvanized toe-stoppers.  These skates, were custom made by the Native Quad skaters, whom know the ins and outs of the proper quad skating technique.  We can't lose gentlemen!"

Quads shuffling at the Battle of Little Big Horn

The rousing speech motivated the Koolaid Killers to tie the game at 5-5, Matt scored two more goals, by flying down the wing and firing a cannon of a shot.  

In a tied game, the Killers shut down the opposing team, forcing outside shots and low percentage opportunities.  Swiss Cheese Ronda, decided to melt his gaping holes as he covered every shot towards his direction. 

Matt scored two more goals to give the Koolaid Killer their first lead of the game.  Kaos scored a quick goal in the dying minutes to make it a 7-6.  During a scrum in the neutral zone boards, Quads gathered a loose puck and fired a bouncing puck into an empty net.  "Those are the type of goalies I like to face, ones that are not in the net." Quads commented later in the locker-room.

Kaos scored another late goal to make it a 8-7 contest, but with only 6 seconds, it was too late for another shot.  Quads had done it, he scored the decisive goal, to give the Koolaid Killers a gut wrenching iron-man victory.

Even though Matt Opperman had scored 6 goals, and was the only reason the Killers had any offense , Quads was praised by his teammates.  Quads, skating around the rink for a victory lap acknowledge the sell out crowd of 22,000 at Choice Inline.  Roses, were thrown on the rink.  Quads picked up the  roses and flowers , fighting tears, Quads gave a bow and blew kisses to all of the fans.  "I thank you all for believing in me, and my Quad Skates."

The other teammates of the Koolaid Killers gathered on the bench, and noticed something odd about the situation.  "Is it me, or I'm I the only person to noticed that Quads was wearing inline Skates tonight?"  A dumbfounded Stilts remarked.

"Just let Quads have his moment." the Chief Editor replied.  Stilts nodded his head, and began to clap his hands for a performance well done.









    

Whooo 2011 NHL Season

Coldplay Stripped of the Captaincy

No more Oh Captain My Captain Colplay :(

Cause he used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuule the world......oh wait , former captain Coldplay has been demoted from his captain role.  Coldplay who initially took over as the new leader, was very impressive in the early going of the season, but now has been forced to give up the C.  He is now regulated to a 4th line checking forward position. 

Former Koolaid Killer and apparel manager Quad Skates ponder the nonexistent Coldplay, "In the beginning of the season all I heard on facebook was Coldplay scored this amount of goals, or pictures of his tron helmet on a motorcycle deking in and out of the opposing team. 

Coldplay on a breakaway 

Facebook just became a constant newsfeed of the total awesomeness that was Coldplay.  But lately, I haven't heard anything.  Now, I just get Roma pizza advertisements.  Instead of delivering the pizzas, Coldplay decided to eat them."

The stats don't lie.  In the first three games of the season, Coldplay had 9goals and 6 assists.  Since then he has 2 goals and is a -12 in 5 games.  Some think, the injuries have had an affect on Coldplay, with the numerous facial injuries. Coldplay received 5 stitches on his forehead with a high stick, and then 2 stitches on his Abe Lincoln chin.

Sour Puss Eric had a different view on the situation, "I think Coldplay just sucks.  I don't understand how a bubble hockey player was consider the captain of this team.  Maybe, we need to get Coldplay a long stick and just let him twirl around in the slot."

Management has decided to promote up and coming superstar defense-men Stilts as the new captain.  "Stilts is a great stall-worth at the back end.  His calm demeanor, is a great influence to the rest of the Koolaid Killers bench.  We've watch Stilts develop from his early years as a Whaler and like his progression as a player.  The era of Captain Coldplay is officially dead.  Long live Stilts!"  

The Koolaid Killers ended their recent losing streak on Monday night with a 8-5 victory and will end the regular season tonight against Sunnyvale.  Currently in second place, the Killers will try to finish strong as one of the top two seeds. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Ed's OT winner catapults Killers to 5-1

Ed's howitzer of shot for the OT winner.

In a seesaw affair last night, the Koolaid Killers grind out a 10-9 victory in overtime.  Trailing 9-8 in the closing seconds, interim Captain Stilts made a end to end rush and fired a wrist shot over the Biscuit Snatcher goaltender.  The goal tied the game, and gave second life to a Koolaid Killer's team that was rather flat without their goaltender Swiss Cheese Ronda and an absent Captain Coldplay.

Swiss Cheese Ronda had a medical leave as the humid and high temperatures were elevating his gooey and cheesiness. "I could barely send out a text message to tell my teammates, I was not going to attend the game.  Luckily I crawl the rest of my melted body to the fridge and was able to retract my form as a human Swiss Cheese goaltender.  Next time,I'll make sure to bring extra ice."

As for Coldplay he was last seen updating his facebook, with a picture of his total awesomeness. 

An Awesome Raincoat Coldplay

The Biscuit Snatchers a team at the bottom of the standings, brought in a ringer from the Professional Roller Hockey League.  Eric the Sour Puss was none to please.  During the second period Eric pummeled the Pro Player with a viscous body check into the glass.  "If that guy is going to skate around like Nancy Kerrigan, than he is going to get hit.  Its some bullshit that the Biscuit Snatchers decided to get this dude to play.   He had 7 of their 9 goals. Next time I'll call up my boy Quad Skates, from the Professional Toe Stopping League, and we'll see how many goals he scores."

Going into the overtime, with the rule of 3-3 play the Biscuit Snatchers wasted a golden opportunity right off the opening faceoff.  Ed missed played a loose puck, and it was a 2-0 on Kooliad Killers replacement goalie Bob.  The Snatchers miss fired a shot high off the glass, and then batted the puck out of the air, for a high sticking disallowed goal. 

With the faceoff in the offensice end of the Koolaid Killers, Ed totally redemed himself with an open shot.  Receiving a pass from Hayes, Ed walked in and fired a laser beam low to the glove side.

Immediately after the puck went into the net, Biscuit Snatcher goaltender slammed his stick in frustration and yelled aloud his distaste for the Koolaid Killers.  "You fuckers!!!!!!!"

Eric the Sour Puss yelled back "You scumbags brought in a Pro player and still lost.  Go home and munch on some loser biscuits."

With the victory the Koolaid Killers are in the top of the standings with an impressive 5-1 record.  Already matching their win total from a season ago, the Killers are primed and ready to make a serious playoff run. Catch the action next Wed, as the Koolaid Killers host Home and Design at 10pm.

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Oh Captain My Coldplay

The Kooliad Killers return for the summer season, ready and primed for a championship run.

The roster has been tweaked from last season as head scout Tyler has decided to leave the organization for a promising head coaching position with the Baltimore Old Bay Seasoning Boys.  A superior recreational roller hockey team located in the the rain forest exhibit at the Baltimore Aquarium.  Tyler was unable to be reached for comment on his new professional endeavors. 

But we did managed to get a statement from Tyler's agent.  "It was a good run with the Koolaid Killers for Tyler.  Being the greatest plus/minus player all time was something he is very proud of.  He wishes he could of played another season, and continue the legacy of the Super Negativity Line.  But the opportunity of coaching for a local team in the bustling Mid Atlantic Belt-Way division was something he couldn't turn down.  Tyler wishes everyone in the Koolaid Killers organization the best of luck."

In Tyler's honor a half empty can of Tecate was pour on the Skate Zone sport court.  Referee John Gault wasn't very pleased by these actions.

"What the fuck?  You guys better clean that shit up.  I'm hammered already and don't want to slip on that insult of a beer."

Season 2 was officially underway.  Coldplay was nominated as captain, since his tron Helmet made it an easy indicator of when to change lines. 

"It's so much easier this season, when somebody needs a line change we just look to Coldplay and his helmet begins to flash into bright neon lines. "  A pleased Stilts commented.

Led by their Captain that already has multiple hat tricks in 2 games, the Koolaid Killers are 2-0 to start the season.  The new and improved line-up of Hayes and crew has helped added speed and offensive depth.  Also the addition of Ed has provided security to the back end.

On Wednesday Night the Koolaid Killers fought back to win 8-6 against Home and Design a rival home and improvement team based out of Folsom.  Trailing 4-2 in the second period in the closing seconds a shorthanded Coldplay dangled two opposing defecenmen which included turn-coat Eric the Sour Puss.  Whom is playing for both the Koolaid Killers and Home and Design.

Coldplay's game changing goal, cut the deficit to 4-3 going into the third period. 

A melting Swiss Cheese Ronda went to the bench to discuss strategy  for the third period.  "Guys, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up in net.  The carbon dioxide in my Swiss holes are starting to expand. I know I shouldn't have left the oven on. I just wanted to bake some cupcakes for my daughter. And now this shit is happening.  God fucking damn it!"

An unconcern Coldplay rallied the team together and began to sing one of his hit singles.  "Guys, Guys, I used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule the world........"

Motivated by the words of Coldplay an inspired Koolaid Killers rallied back to tie the game 4-4, then Ronda began to fizzle in net.  A loose puck behind the net, Ronda tried to play the puck, but opposing forward Blazer grabbed the puck and fired a shot off of Ronda's pads into an open net.  Home and Design took a 5-4 lead with 5 minutes left. 

"For some reason, I think Ronda can play the puck well.  But by the time I remember he doesn't have very good puck handing skills, he usually flounders the puck to the opposing team." A baffled Chief Editor remarked about the goal.

Still undeterred by a 1 goal deficit, the Koolaid Killers took into another gear in the latter stages of the game.  Coldplay carried the team on his back like a determine Yeti stomping through a blizzard in the Himalayas.

 



A tied game of 6-6 with 2 minutes left, a turnover by the Chief Editor led to a breakaway for Blazer all alone on Swiss Cheese Ronda.  Blazer went in at full speed as the Swiss Cheese Holes in Ronda began to expand to the point, that he was in a parallel universe trying to compress his emptiness to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere. Blazer with an open net shot the puck high and off the crossbar.

Eric the new commer from the Hayes crew, whom studied at the Scores A Lot University of Hockey, put the Killers ahead with a back door goal from Mussels Marinara.  Ahead for the first time since the opening goal, Coldplay put the icing on the game, by ending the game with a phenomenal break away goal.  Head fake to the left, then to to to the right, Coldplay tucked the goal under the opposing goaltender's sprawling arm.

The Championship run has just begun, catch all of your Koolaid Killers games this season on Wednesday at the Flyers Dodgeball Dome.  Next game is June 23 at 9pm. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!