The Kool-Aid Runs Dry

This is beat reporter Master P for The Daily Whaler.  It appears Car Arena's hypnotic kool-aid has been spiked to reality.  The Whalers lost back to back games this week to plummet their record to 2-6 on the season.  When reached for comment GM Boytanio had this to say about his team "Well, at least we're having fun"

Well Mr. Boytanio, apparently the rest of your team doesn't share the same attitude.  An anonymous whaler had this to say about the Car Arena disillusionment  "It’s like they don’t even know they’re getting their ass kicked…I don’t like losing, but for them it’s all, smiles, happiness and rainbows.”

Also Montel, set an all time record last night, for the most too many men penalties in a season.  He now has 5 too many penalties, which broke the record previously held by a cat on roller blades.  

The ref had to inform Montel that he is not allowed to skate on the rink, when his team already has the maximum of 4 skaters.  The Whaler bench decided to prevent another penalty by giving Montel proper clearance to hop off the bench.  The entire bench shouted "Green light Montel Go! Go! Go!"

Overall the Whalers were terrible, turned the puck over in transition, got caught pinching on defense, and pucks weren’t bouncing their way….and what’s worse, this Team is running out of excuses.   It’s so bad that Quads is considering going back to actual Quad skates, “What’s the difference?” he said at least we’d have a new excuse to use. 

On the positive side, the AC seems to be working well in the building. 

One Love,
Master P

The Wholly Monk

Hi this is Master P for The Daily Whaler.  The Whalers split their two games this week with a 1-1 record.  I caught up with new back-up goalie "Wholly Monk" to reflect on the past games.

Master P "What were your first thoughts about playing for the Whalers"

Wholly Monk: "I read about them on the daily whaler, and heard very negative things.  I thought to myself do I really want to play for a team that finish 1-11 in the previous season.  But I told my head master Swiss Cheese Ronda I would fill in for him, as he went on his journey to patch his holes."

Master P "Is that how you obtain, your holes yourself from Swiss Cheese Ronda?"

Wholly Monk "No, no no.  You see I've too be playing goalie for awhile.  And after a few seasons, your body begins to wear down from all the goals being scored.  So naturally I obtain the holes.  I've learned to nurture my holes, and be one with my hole.  I'm  a very spiritual person, so these holes, are just an extension of my living soul. You have to welcome the holes.  Let the holes know you're ok with their presence.  The wholes are a metaphor of life.  That obstacles are thrown at your way, and you have to overcome them by looking past the holes.  The holes also symbolize the sun God Ra.  To let the light in, a hole is formed.

Master P begins to snore, and the Wholly Monk gets rather upset
"Are you sleeping?"

Master P "Where the hell am I"

Wholly Monk "You were interviewing me."

Master P  "Who are you?  Where did all my stuff go?"

Wholly Monk "You're in my house.  You came over here to do an interview for the daily whaler."

Master P "Oh yeah.  So what were your feelings, when you first entered the whaler locker-room?"

Wholly Monk "At first, I was appalled by the extreme rainbows, and sunshine in the locker-room.  I saw half the team hugging, and laughing with each other.  I turned to a gentlemen named Stilts and asked him what was going on.  He said "don't worry they only hug the ones who drink the kool-aid"

Master P "Did you drink the Kool-aid?"

Wholly Monk "No. I might be a free spirit, but I'm not into the homo-erotic love fest before a game.  Like can't those guys wait until the game is over."

Master P "Who impressed you the most on the Whalers?

Wholly Monk "Stilts.  He was a very good skater, and was the only person who acknowledge me.  Everyone else was cool and very nice.  Except Boytanio.  That guy was a total dick."

Master P "Boytanio is a dick."

Wholly Monk "Yeah what is up with that."

Master P "He is a puppet in the Car Arena Empire."

Wholly Monk "You know what.  I noticed that.  Those Arenas made him fill up their water bottles, tie their skates, drive them to the game, pay for their fruit snacks, polish their helmets, spit shine their protective cups, while they didn't even show a grain of gratitude."

Master P "So whats next for the Wholly Monk?"

Wholly Monk "I plan on playing the next 2 games, if Boytanio allows me.   If not, I will continue to pray for another opportunity to play goal.  But for now all I can do is pray, and be one with the holes."

The Whalers will host their next 2 games next Mon, and Tues.  Come out and cheer for your home-town Whalers.

One Love,
Master P

Whalers lose Again

The Daily Whaler, has announced the signing of Beat reporter Master P, to cover the Waterford Whalers for the rest of the season.  Here is his report from last night's game.

Happiness, and rainbows that the Car Arena Koolaid has to offer is starting to wear thin on the Whalers last night.

A heartbreaking 6-5 defeat against an inferior Bronze league team, has created turmoil in the lockerroom.  Speculations of releasing star goaltender Swiss Cheese Ronda, and superstar forward Montel have been talked about by GM Boytanio.

With the lack of goal scoring, the Whalers are in the talks of obtaining offense by trading Montel to the heated rival Bulldogs.

Boytaino had this comment "Right now we're not scoring any goals, so we're looking at the possibilities of acquiring offense to the Whalers.  Are only trade bait, we have is Montel.  His contract runs out after this season, so we're exploring options to better our team."

Montel was none to please to hear these trade rumors "I can't believe they would trade the all time goal scoring leading of the franchise away.  But at the same time, I'm not very happy with the media of the Waterford Whalers.  I don't appreciate being made fun of.  I'm Montel, I take this shit seriously."

Right after Montel made this comment, the Daily whaler posted this picture of Montel

Swiss Cheese Ronda hasn't helped his cause this season.  He has allowed an Goals Against average of 6.98 Goals a game, and is creating more wholes in his cheese each time he plays.  At the rate he is going, he will disappear into a alternative universe by slipping into a black hole he created.

 The Whalers are none to please with his play, and are debating about putting the Swiss on the Waver Wire.

Boytaino defended his Swiss Cheese of a goalie "We can't blame Ronda for all the troubles we had this season.  I'm having fun, Arenas are having fun, Stilts is having fun, Montel is having fun and the rest of the team is having fun.  So in the end, we're having fun.  Plus I don't want to play goalie.  I care more about the fun."

So to conclude Steve Arena, You Suck!

One Love,
Beat Reporter Master P