Master P Wins Debut as Whalers Head Coach

Just as the leaves change colors for the autumn season, the Waterford Whalers begin their 2010 fall indoor season.  Its a new beginning for an organization that has struggle over the past two seasons.  In the off-season GM Boytanio signed Championship Goaltender Sargent Slaughter Steve to a 1year contract, that includes a "free jersey clause."

Sargent Slaughter Steve was happy to return to the Waterford Whalers, where he had such great success.  "Its great to back, I was getting tired of watching Barlow trip and fall over himself every game with the Outlaws.  I'm also happy to play for coach Master P, who has run a tight training camp.  Even though he shows up stoned out of his mind, his voice is poetic in the locker-room.  The repetitive phrase I heard was "You guys suck! Now skate 20 laps around the rink, as I drink my Thai Latte."

Last night the dejected Prom Kings hosted the Whalers to open the 2010 Fall campaign.  It was a very heated battled, as the Prom Kings were told before the game, that their prom dates were at home watching Dancing with the Stars instead of attending their game.

From the very beginging of the game Coach P were running quick line changes, and was a loud voice on the bench.  The Prom Kings, were also baffled of the defensive strategy Coach P had concocted. 

Master P went into further detail about the system he implanted into the Whalers.  "I know the Whalers have difficult times scoring goals, so I decided to play a more defensive style.  I put one fore-checker in the offensive zone, and put a diamond of three defensemen in the neutral and defensive zone.  I called it the Master P lock."

Nobody gets through the Master P Lock

 

 

In the game action upcoming star, Stilts led the offensive play.  He had 4 goals and 2 assists to help the Whalers with a 6 goal performance.  Holding the defensive fort was Sargent Slaughter Steve, who made tremendous saves down the stretch, denying the Prom Kings golden scoring opportunities. 

The Whalers won 6-5, matching already the total goal output from last season.  Coach P had some encouraging words for his Whalers "Tonight we suck!  I want to win every game this season by 8 goals or more.  If we want to compete with the Big Boys in this league, we have to score more, and play better defense.  Now boys, go skate another 20 laps and watch me drink this Caramel Mocha Frappuccino."

Go Whale Go!

The Big 3

The Outdoor Whalers have high expectations from their opening night victory of 10-4 against the Marlton Circle Coneheads.  Led by the powerhouse trio of Coldplay, Quads, and A1 steaksauce, who contributed all 10 goals.

Coach A.I, has crowned the trio, as "The Big 3." He commented further on the performance out of his top line.  "When you have the talent of a British pop star, a bottle of premium steak sauce, and vintage skating devices, it is a recipe for success."

Unlike past seasons, where the Whalers struggle to score goals, the Outdoor Whalers have a very serious scoring threat.  Credit is due to head GM "Chief Editor" who signed A1 and Coldplay.

GM Chief Editor had this to say "I got tired of watching Montel and Steve Arena shooting the puck 25 feet wide, and blame it out the strong wind currents inside the Flyer's Skate Zone.  Winners don't make excuses.  So I went out and sign Coldplay and A1 who come with a better attitude and stronger work ethic on scoring goals."

Quads, the other of "The Big 3" was very pleased with the performance from his line.  "The other teams in the Marlton League have no chance against us.   We have Coldplay, whom rules the world every-time he skates.  Than their is A1 who is an offense explosion of delicious steak sauce.   The other team tries to contain him, but they get a face full of that tangy steak sauce in their face.  Than their is I, Quad "F Kennedy" Skates.  I was born to play outdoors.  I fought hard for the Waterford Hockey Lights, without the help of the Arenas.  I stood up to the oppressive Waterford Township Committee and demanded our outdoor roller hockey.  My historic and crowd stirring speech I gave that one cold day in March still remnants to the few who remember these words.  Give me hockey, or give me death."

As long as the Outdoor Whalers continues to get production out of "The Big 3" line, a championship looks very realistic to a franchise that has been bottom dwellers for 2 seasons.

Waterford Whaler contributor Master P has this to say about the Outdoor Whalers "Without Steve Arena's negativity and dooming dark clouds in the locker-room.  The Whalers will win a Championship."

Whalers go Outdoors

 To further boost team morale and ticket sales, the Waterford Whalers have expanded their indoor franchise to an outdoor organization.  The Whalers now have an indoor team and outdoor team.  Two teams, two leagues, one grand ambitious goal of adequate play.

Our field reporter and outdoor extraordinaire "Quad F. Kennedy Skates", or as the ladies call him Quads.  Sent this report to the Daily Whaler News Desk.  

Hi this is Quads, for the Daily Whaler news team.  I'm here outside, where hockey should be played. No hot indoor leagues, with mustache aficionados plumber referees.  Its just clean air, and the hard asphalt of ball roller hockey.

Last night's game saw the Whalers dominant against the Marlton Circle Coneheads.  As I first approached the rink, I was hounded, booed and ridiculed upon by some racist Quad users.   These 3 puck/ball sluts were watching their boyfriends on the other team. When I first came out I saw them pointing and laughing at me- until I went quad crazy from end to end making everyone look like a cone and scoring on their Swiss cheese Ronda impersonator goalie.

Some guy checked me behind the net that Boytano was working in.  I retaliated with a shove and a "My Quads don't take any crap form anybody" attitude but their team got a penalty. A1 steak sauce splurge his delicious steak sauce all over the Marlton Circle Coneheads with a 4 goal effort.  The man known for ruling the world Coldplay had a hat-trick, while nursing a broken skate.  He rolled the dice, with toe drags and sniper shooting that had grown men crying yellow.  

I, Quads had 3 goals and a assist as well.  My blistering turn-around no look wrist shot were no match for goalie Conehead.  His large cone shape head, was dizzy from the constant goal scoring.  It was a shooter gallery as the big 3, Quads, A1, and Coldplay light the lamp to no regards.

Steve Arena and Montel were no shows, as they were at the "Million Miserable Man March" in Washington D.C.  Their motto is "We're here and we have a laundry list of complaints that we're not happy about." 

Without the tenacious "I only care about my playing time duo."  The Whalers were cohesive, with terrific team effort led by new head coach A.I.   He wasn't as good as the Collins or Master P but we definitely benefited from A.I.'s working knowledge of the game.

Mini-Boytanio and Matt Arena didn't show up on the scoring card, but A.I. will have a training camp before next Tuesday's game to improve their offense abilities. 

Our only competition should be the Gee Smiley team, that recruited Waterford Elite player Little Joey.  But the way we played last night, the outdoor Whalers should have an easy road to a championship.  Get your champagne on ice, and championship Lady Gaga videos ready.  This year the Whalers will harpoon the Marlton Outdoor League.  As one wise man told me;"heart, determination, skill, defense, ability to score,  and lack of complaining wins."

Go Outdoor Whale Go!

On, by the way here is the number 1, 2, and 3rd star of the game.

Eat your heart out Marlton Circle Coneheads

Viva la Quads! Viva la Quads!

New Sheriff

Days before the start of the fall 2010 season, management has made a drastic shake up to the Waterford Whalers.  We take you live, to a press conference held at the Waterford Gardens.

"Thank you all, for arriving at this historic press conference.  We've come to the conclusion, that our Whalers (garbage scrappers of the Bronze league), need a full make over for the upcoming fall season.  First we gave our beat reporter Master P a premonition to head coach. 

So I would like to introduce our new coach.  He comes with a great knowledge of wisdom attained from his wilderness tour in Nevada and California.   He is also a straight shooter, so no cupcake sunshine and rainbows to cover up poor performances.  I present the Waterford elite. The man with the sledgehammer of a shot....

Master P!"

Master P stands to a cheerful roar of optimism as he approaches the podium. 

"Hello fellow members of the Waterford media.  My first action as head coach is to cut Steve Arena.  Now that the cancer of the locker-room is gone, we can get down to business.  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Our roster sucks.  As of now, we're in negotiations to acquire some better talent to the squad.  The team from last season was god awful.  But, I think with a few new gun-slingers on this team, we should be decent.

I'm not promising glory days of championships like in the Winter 2010 season.  But we need to first get out of the cellar, and be a respectable team.

Also I would  like to instate, a policy of no sunshine and rainbows.  If I even see anybody hugging or making out in the locker-room, you're ass is gone. 

I would like to remember everyone on the team, that you were the worse Men's League team in the history of Skate Zone last season.  So if you want to win, pour that Arena Kool-aid down the toilet and learn to play the game of hockey.  We're going to have intense video sessions.  Constant drills of skating, shooting, passing, and making proper line changes. 

And if I hear one person complain about playing time, you can watch the rest of the game from the bench.  This season, the Whalers will regain respect.

One Love."

Master P gives the crowd a peace sign, and marches off of the podium.