Master P resigns as Whalers Head Coach

Hours after the public announcement of the purchase of the Waterford Whalers organization by "Golden Monkey" Chinese restaurant, Master P has resigned as head coach of the Whalers.  We take you live to a press conference held inside the Golden Monkey Restaurant.

"Hello all members of the Waterford media.  I've decided to resign as head coach of the Golden Monkey Whalers, previously known as the Waterford Whalers.  Management has not picked up my contract for next season, and I'm gracefully stepping aside for a new coach.

I thought I did a great job of putting together a playoff team with a horrible roster.  I only blame Boytanio for the lack of success on this team.  His constant back-stabbing and triple axle play was a distraction for the players. Maybe I should of cut his ass, along with the other members of car Arena.

I came here to put the Whalers in the position of winning another championship.  Given the past two seasons before my arrival, this organization was in total disarray.  Constant complaining, excuses, propaganda by the puppet government led by Boytanio, and a last place finish in the worse division.

It was a constant up hill climb, to fix these problems. I only regret that my time here wasn't longer, I thought we had potential to compete next season.  I wish the new Golden Monkey Whalers to suffer, and have another miserable season at the bottom.

You can all kiss my white pale ass!  Now, I'm ready for any questions from the media."


  What are your plans for the new season?  Any other coaching offers? 

"No, I haven't been contacted by any other team.  I would like to get a chance of coaching against the Whalers."

Their have been reports that Boytanio got you fired.  He even went to the extent, of calling you "a worthless player" and why would anybody want to listen to a coach that can't play the game of hockey.

"I don't know if any of that is true.  But I can tell you that Boytanio is a scumbag.  So if he got me fired, than that shows how much of a weasel he is.  And him calling me a worthless player is like Paris Hilton calling me a slut."

An interruption over the loud speaker at the Golden Monkey Restaurant, "The order with the pint of Kung Pow Chicken, Pepper Steak Onions, and Cashew Chicken your spring rolls are ready!"

Master P what will you do if you can't land a coaching job next season?

"My fraternity of the Coco Puff Committee has ordered me to fly to a far away galaxy if I can't land a coaching job next season.  I'll harvest any planet that has the richest fields of chocolaty coco puff ingredients.  We have a total society that is based on the fuel of Coco Puffs.  If we don't have a significant amount of Coco Puffs, we will suffer and retreat to our home planet of Kruger Xion 8."

Interesting.  I thought, you were done with the whole domination of Coco Puffs in the galaxy.  This sounds very familiar to a story previously covered in The Googily Gazette in the summer of 2005.  I believe it had something to do with the slavery of Bauer sticks on your home planet.

"Yeah, once you belong to the Coco Puff Committee, you can never get out.  Plus I crave the delicious taste of Coco Puffs right as this very moment.  Just the thought of, swirling around a spoon full of chocolaty corn starch puff balls in my mouth, makes me water in fulfillment."

An older Chinese women who is running the Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant, runs on the stage and begins to yell.  "You have to go!"

Master P points at himself and questions why he has to leave.  "You told me I would get 30mins for my press conference.  It has been barely 15minutes."

Old Chinese Lady "You leave now! Nobody cares about Coco Puffs.  Leave"

Master P, "Ok, what about the steam dumplings.  I was told, there would be free dumplings after the press conference."

The Old Chinese Lady begins to shove Master P off of the podium and yells at the rest of the Waterford media members.  "Either you buy, or leave!  No credit. Only cash!"

Master P and the media members exit out of the Golden Monkey Restaurant into the parking lot.  "Ok, do any of you guys have any spare change?  I really want those steam dumplings.  They promised me.  I didn't bring any cash, since I thought they would be free.  Plus the ATM machine charges a bullshit $3.00 surcharge."










 

Whalers bought out by Chinese Restaruant

Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant logo

This just came off the wire, from the VSN media global.  The Waterford Whalers organization has been sold to the "Golden Monkey" Chinese Restaurant franchise.  It appears financial problems have caused the Whalers inability to compete in the Voorhees Men's league. 

Here is a statement from president of the former Waterford Whalers organization.  "Today is a sad day for the legions of Waterford fans in our area.  Even though we won two championships this year, we were unable to draw enough support from ticket sales, merchandise, and television sponsorship.  Its a business running a Men's league team.  Without a profitable team, its time to cut the losses and move on.

The Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant, has agreed in principal to buy out the remaining contracts on players and coaching staff in the organization. They have promised to bring back Car Arena, and Sergent Slaughter.  You can buy season tickets on their website at Golden Monkey.com  Or you can go into any local Golden Monkey restaurant and order the General Tso's chicken and receive 10% off a Weeknight game in February."

As for the daily whaler, it has been bought out by a new business partnership led by Quad F. Kennedy Skates and Rosco Gang Green.  This new partnership has establish a new Waterford expansion team, "The Koolaid Killers."

Rosco Gang Green had this to say about being part of the new expansion team.  "The Koolaid Killers are going to take the Voorhees Men's League by storm.  We have a very good team assemble, no crybabys who can't take a joke in a fictitious blog.  Only players who have a personality to destroy sunshine rainbow car run governments.  Its time to rise up and smash that glass of koolaid!"

The Daily Whaler have chosen to keep its name, but get rid of Waterford Whaler logos.  This season the daily whaler will only follow the Koolaid Killers franchise.  The Chief Editor explained the re-formatting. "I figure nobody really cares about the Whalers anymore, since it has been bought out, and will probably move to China in a few years anyway.  In the next few weeks a total overhaul will be performed on the daily whaler.  New colors, logos, graphics, and videos. " 

Head Weasel Brian Boytanio seems to welcome the new ownership of the Whalers.  "I hope they fire Master P as our coach. I'm getting tired of him riding me the entire game.  I'm going to use my weasel senses, by recommending his dismissal, and promote the Arenas as the new head coach.  Then I'll be re-united with car Arena. ha ha ha" A diabolical laugh from Boytanio was heard under his weasel breath.

It is uncertain the future of Master P or any of the other Whaler players. 

The Swiss is Twice as Nice

An early exit from the playoffs on Monday night as the Whalers lost to Swiss Cheese Ronda 3-2.  It was a hard fought battle as play became a little chippy, when the opponent Shop Rite drilled Chameleon Whalers player John Hayes into the boards from behind. 

John Hayes in his bathrobe

Things began to escalate in the closing minutes, as head coach Master P sent out his goons to regulate the situation.

"I turned to my bench and looked to find somebody with the balls, to go out there and mix it up.  I sent my gritty forward Adam out on the fore-check to mix it up with their big goon whom boarded Hayes from behind.  I was thinking of sending out Boytanio, to punish the goon by performing a triple axle kick to the face.  But, that would be against the code of being a weasel." 

Adam tried to get a scrap going with one of Shop Rite's goon players, but the Goon didn't want to fight, since his team had a lead in the closing minutes.  The Whalers peppered Swiss Cheese Ronda with numerous shots in the final seconds of the game, but came up short.  It was a hard fought battle to the end, which had the Whalers falling short 3-2. 

During the traditional hand shake between the two opponents after the game, Sergant Slaughter refuse to shake hands with Swiss Cheese Ronda.  He immediately made a "Bill Belichick" dash to the locker rooms, without acknowledging the Swiss Cheese.

The Swiss Cheese Ronda was rather upset, that one of his ideals had disrespected him like that.  "My whole life I've always wanted to be as good as the Sergent Slaughter.  He is the Patrick Roy of Men's League goalies.  He has won 15 men's league championships.  But, the way he disrespected me on Monday night, was a very weaselly act on his part.  Apparently the head weasel Boytanio has been influencing his own weasel actions onto his players.  Like come on dude, its just Men's league hockey, shake my hand."

So that concludes another Whalers season, short of a Championship, but improved from a 2-24 record of the last two seasons.  Management has yet to decided the fate of head coach Master P.  Also Stilts is a unrestricted free agent, who will most likely test the market. 

Nest season begins on the second week of January, so stay connected to the Daily Whalers for any off season transactions.  Rumors are speculating of a new franchise out of the Waterford metropolitan area.  Also rumors of selling the Whalers organization to a powerful international bidder have be rumored. 

Whalers Finish the Season at 500

The conclusion to a fantastic regular season, ended with a Whaler tie last Monday 4-4 against the heated rival "Tri State All-Stars".  Only seconds to spare, Stilts re-directed an Ed slap-shot from the point to tie the game.  In overtime both teams exchange scoring opportunities, but ended in a draw.  So that concludes a Whalers season with a record of 4-4-2.  The Whalers are now awaiting their opponent for the first round of the playoffs next week.

Captain, and head weasel Brian Boytanio seemed very pleased by his team regular season performance.  "We played great as a team this year.  I think this was a great stepping stone in the right direction of the organization.  We doubled our wins, from the previous two seasons combined, and double our attendance at the gate.   I'm waiting on a shipment of Whaler merchandise from China, to further profit our season.  Anybody want a vintage Waterford Whalers hoodie, worn by the original Whalers back in the inaugural season of 2009."

2009 Vintage Whalers Hoodie

Although the Whalers were still mediocre on offense this season, the defense was terrific led by Goaltender Sargent Slaughter, who led all goalies with a GAA of 2.47 and a SV% of .968.  He also became a leader on this team by expressing his voice in the locker-room, with great in game insight and strategy.   The Slaughter express his thoughts of an above average season. 

"We played terrific in the beginning of the season.  I thought for sure, we would run the table and finish in the top 3.  However we had some injuries, some people now showing up, the Arenas adding sunshine and rainbows, and Hayes bailing out to go to the beach with underage minors.  But we hung in there, and I'm ready to compete for my 16th championship all-time as a men's league goalie."

Head coach Master P, not pleased by his heroic coaching job and team's regular season performance.  "We could of really been 8-2 on the season.  We left a lot of opportunities out there, and we need to generate more offense.  I'm going to make this team skate twice as hard in practice this week, and if they don't like they can go sit on the bench!  This is a game for men, not pansies who have a million excuses instead of winning.  Excuses are like the mole on my ass, in ain't pretty and it hurts."

Come out and support the Whalers as they try to make a playoff push next Monday.  Also contact Boytanio if you would like a vintage Whalers hoodie, or t-shirt.

Go Whale Go!