Hours after the public announcement of the purchase of the Waterford Whalers organization by "Golden Monkey" Chinese restaurant, Master P has resigned as head coach of the Whalers. We take you live to a press conference held inside the Golden Monkey Restaurant.
"Hello all members of the Waterford media. I've decided to resign as head coach of the Golden Monkey Whalers, previously known as the Waterford Whalers. Management has not picked up my contract for next season, and I'm gracefully stepping aside for a new coach.
I thought I did a great job of putting together a playoff team with a horrible roster. I only blame Boytanio for the lack of success on this team. His constant back-stabbing and triple axle play was a distraction for the players. Maybe I should of cut his ass, along with the other members of car Arena.
I came here to put the Whalers in the position of winning another championship. Given the past two seasons before my arrival, this organization was in total disarray. Constant complaining, excuses, propaganda by the puppet government led by Boytanio, and a last place finish in the worse division.
It was a constant up hill climb, to fix these problems. I only regret that my time here wasn't longer, I thought we had potential to compete next season. I wish the new Golden Monkey Whalers to suffer, and have another miserable season at the bottom.
You can all kiss my white pale ass! Now, I'm ready for any questions from the media."
What are your plans for the new season? Any other coaching offers?
"No, I haven't been contacted by any other team. I would like to get a chance of coaching against the Whalers."
Their have been reports that Boytanio got you fired. He even went to the extent, of calling you "a worthless player" and why would anybody want to listen to a coach that can't play the game of hockey.
"I don't know if any of that is true. But I can tell you that Boytanio is a scumbag. So if he got me fired, than that shows how much of a weasel he is. And him calling me a worthless player is like Paris Hilton calling me a slut."
An interruption over the loud speaker at the Golden Monkey Restaurant, "The order with the pint of Kung Pow Chicken, Pepper Steak Onions, and Cashew Chicken your spring rolls are ready!"
Master P what will you do if you can't land a coaching job next season?
"My fraternity of the Coco Puff Committee has ordered me to fly to a far away galaxy if I can't land a coaching job next season. I'll harvest any planet that has the richest fields of chocolaty coco puff ingredients. We have a total society that is based on the fuel of Coco Puffs. If we don't have a significant amount of Coco Puffs, we will suffer and retreat to our home planet of Kruger Xion 8."
Interesting. I thought, you were done with the whole domination of Coco Puffs in the galaxy. This sounds very familiar to a story previously covered in The Googily Gazette in the summer of 2005. I believe it had something to do with the slavery of Bauer sticks on your home planet.
"Yeah, once you belong to the Coco Puff Committee, you can never get out. Plus I crave the delicious taste of Coco Puffs right as this very moment. Just the thought of, swirling around a spoon full of chocolaty corn starch puff balls in my mouth, makes me water in fulfillment."
An older Chinese women who is running the Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant, runs on the stage and begins to yell. "You have to go!"
Master P points at himself and questions why he has to leave. "You told me I would get 30mins for my press conference. It has been barely 15minutes."
Old Chinese Lady "You leave now! Nobody cares about Coco Puffs. Leave"
Master P, "Ok, what about the steam dumplings. I was told, there would be free dumplings after the press conference."
The Old Chinese Lady begins to shove Master P off of the podium and yells at the rest of the Waterford media members. "Either you buy, or leave! No credit. Only cash!"
Master P and the media members exit out of the Golden Monkey Restaurant into the parking lot. "Ok, do any of you guys have any spare change? I really want those steam dumplings. They promised me. I didn't bring any cash, since I thought they would be free. Plus the ATM machine charges a bullshit $3.00 surcharge."
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