Koolaid Killers Dominate without Head Coach Evil Mogilny

Evil Mogilny preparing his next sacrifice

Without the services of Head Coach Evil Mogilny, the Koolaid Killers dominated the Prom Kings with a 7-3 victory last night.  It was the most impressive win of the season, as the balance of lines contributed to 6 different goal scorers.

Swiss Cheese Ronda was stellar in goal stopping 23 shots and made an important save on a Short Handed Breakaway.  Quad Skates missed played a puck at the point, and was burned on defense.  All alone on the breakaway the Prom Kings's forward tried to deke Ronda out of his dairy boots.  But Ronda stuck out his right pad and close the gaping Swiss Cheese Holes with a pad save.

That was the turning point in the game when Ronda made that save.  At that time the Koolaid Killers were only ahead 4-2 in the second period.  If he allowed that goal, the Prom Kings would have cut the lead in half and the momentum would of swung in their favor. 

Interim Head Coach Collins was in shocked on the ability of Swiss Cheese Ronda's performance "I couldn't believe the excellence in which Ronda played last night.  I never thought Ronda could play that well.  Maybe, he felt more comfortable without Evil Mogilny lurching on the bench.  Does anybody even know what happen to Evil Mogilny?  I thought he was the head coach.  I just showed up tonight, because I was promised free beer and sweaty men to hang out with."

Evil Mogilny was rather upset his number wasn't called upon, in the absence of one of their players.  "It was a total insult that I wasn't even consider as a substitute player.  I've given my heart and evil soul to this franchise.  Like how many times do I have to sacrifice a goat, to be able to play. 

Bahhhhhhh Evil Mogilny Bahhhhhhh!!!!

I'm seriously considering resigning as head coach, if I'm not allowed to play in the final game on Sunday.  All I ask is for a chance."

General Management of the Koolaid Killers has issued the following statement "We understand the concerns of Head Coach Evil Mogilny's desire to skate for the organization.  But we feel that his inability to skate properly and fumbling stick-handling would be a liability for our team.  If he wants to skate out, maybe he should join a 40 year old and over league.  The disillusionment of Evil Mogilny's ability to play for the Koolaid Killers is rather an insult to all the players on the team.  He was asked to coach by popular readership vote.  Not to skate out, and be a total disaster.  Right now Collins will be the Interim Head Coach, until Evil Mogilny gets back to reality."

Back in the game action, the Koolaid Killers put together two dominant lines which contribute to the scoring.  The Super Negativity line got total revamped with the addition of the Chief Editor and Ed.  Sour Puss Eric almost had nothing negative to say.  "Well if I could speak freely, I would say Coldplay was a sack of turd out there.  I don't understand why they would promote Coldplay with his free bobble head give away.  You might as well give away free poop, it would be the same. " 

Tyler seemed please with the new additions to his line.
"All I ask was for a mutha-fucka to have some other muth-fuckas who could pass and skate.  Damn it took till game 9 of the season to fill my mutha- fucking request. I felt like a muth fucka slave waiting for reparations.  This mutha fucker was getting really mutha fucking pissed.  But its mutha fucking cool.  I gots some new gangsta mutha fuckers to play with now.  Yea heard!"

Stilts moving away from the Super Negativity line to his new home of the Domo Arigato Line played extremely well.  He excelled at being the stay home defense men while Joey would rush the puck.  Stilts didn't say too much, but just smiled at finally getting the opportunity to play defense.

Meanwhile Quads would stand in front of the net and jump over any shots Joey would take from the point.  They called it the "Quad Skate Jump a Rope Tactic."  Quads would wait for an opportune moment and charged in front of the net with all of his speed, and then would jump in the air to allow the puck to go under his Quad Skates.  Here is a more visualization of the "Quad Skate Jump a Rope Tactic"

Damn Quads!  You got some ups!!!

With this dominant victory the Koolaid Killers clinched a playoff birth.  They will try to even further their playoff position with the conclusion of the regular season this Sunday at 10pm.  It's fan appreciation night, as all fans will receive a Koolaid Killers glass pitcher to smash at their own discretion. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Late Surge not enough in Killers 7-6 Defeat

Coming off an emotional high from the previous dramatic victory against the Golden Monkey Whalers, the Koolaid Killers fell to the Pennsauken Flames last night 7-6.  In what was a game that was decided by the Koolaid Killers inability to play adequate defense.  The Killers came up short in their comeback late in the third period. 

Head Coach Evil Mogilny wasn't very pleased with the effort of his players, "The difference in intensity from last week's game is astonishing.  This team didn't come to play today, and it showed out there.  Like how many times do I have to scream, about not passing it up the middle.  If this continues, I'm going to have to lace up my 1991 Wayne Gretzky Ninja Turtle Skates and show the defense men how to play hockey."

The Pennsauken Flames kept pushing the lead further and further away from the Koolaid Killers.  Every time the Killers would score a goal, the Super Negativity Line would go out there and give up another goal. 

Sour Puss Eric blamed Quad Skates for their inability to put a successful shift together, "Our line was mesmerize by Quad Skates disco dancing with his 4 wheel primitive skating devices.  I thought any minute the Disco ball was going to lower from the ceiling and referee Luigi was going to strut down the blue line in a vintage disco shirt."   

"Hey it's me Luigi!"

Stilts also apart of the Super Negativity Line put the blame on Quad Skates as well, "I learned after the game Quad Skates was holding out on us, with a bag of Tecate.  If I knew about the beer before the game, maybe I would of put out a better effort.  Like what is that Quad guy thinking?  Does he think he can motivate us, by lacing up a pair of fossilized skates.  Who does something like that?  Did he hire a team of Archeologists to find those monstrosities?"

It took over 3,000 years, but they found the Quad Skates.

Even with the super negativity from the second line, the Killers still managed to keep the score maintainable half-way through the third period.  With 2minutes and 43 seconds the score was 7-3.  Any normal team would throw in the towel and call it a game.  But not the Koolaid Killers!

The intensity that was sorely missed from the beginning of the game, reappeared in a blistering Joey slapshot from the point.  Cutting the deficit to 3 goals, the Killers changed their strategy.  They used the large frame sizes of Quads and Eric and planted them in front of the net.    The Killers kept firing shots from the points, and attacked the net with poise and determination. 

Joey and Coldplay netted goals to cut the lead to 7-6 with 22 seconds remaining in the game.  With the winding clock counting down to the end of regulation, the Chief Editor had the puck on his stick for another dramatic finish.  He was far out and let lose a wrist shot that sailed over the net, and went to the possession of the Flames.   They cleared the puck out of the zone to Swiss Cheese Ronda, who had the last shot of the game. 

"When Ronda had the puck on his stick in the closing seconds, for some reason I thought he was going to let loose a cannon and fire a shot on the Flame's goaltender.   But, when i saw the puck flutter in air 3 feet away from his stick, I then realize that he was goalie, not a sharp shooter." Joey's last hope of completing the comeback.

Coach Evil Mogilny was rather pleased in his team's effort in the dying moments.  "A team's character is not judge on the way they handle success, but rather how they handle defeat.  And the way they charged back in the closing seconds, shows that this team has heart."

The Koolaid Killers will try to rebound against the Prom Kings tomorrow night at 9pm.  First 10,000 fans receive a Coldplay Bubble Hockey Figurine.  Remember when the bourgeois keep you down, knock down a door and scream "Oh Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh!"  

Kill Koolaid Kill!

League Notes:  The make-up game from February has been re-scheduled for this Sunday at 10pm.   Also the playoffs has been moved back a week, so take a look at the new playoff scheduled posted on the right side of the page.  League Commissioner Bob has stepped down from his duties as league organizer.  Jeremy Hall will replace Bob, so now we're back to the Horrible Hall Era again.  As Steve Arena would say "Uggggggggggghhhhhhhh"

Chief Editor nets goal in Overtime Thriller

"Seek forth and destroy the Whale, and peace shall be upheld in the universe"

Monday's night thriller of the Golden Monkey Whalers vs the Koolaid Killers was everything it was hype up to be.  Tight checking, great defense, timely scoring, terrific goaltending on both ends and one highlight reel goal in overtime that will be crowned "the greatest goal ever scored in Men's League Roller Hockey History."

Before the game Quads came into the locker-room and gave a rousing speech to his teammates.  "I know we haven't played our best hockey yet boys.  But tonight we're going to harpoon those Whalers.  It was four scores and a fortnight, that I too was apart of the Whaler's organization, but the propaganda puppet government was too much for my liking.  I've brought gifts of Tecate,

 and a special Corona tall boy for the number one star of the game.  I've bee oppressed too long by the Whalers and I look to spill blood on my enemies.    Now let's fight for the people of the Koolaid Killers Nation!"

The Koolaid Killers were impressive in their own end.  Jack Adams candidate Evil Mogilny has really put his defensive system into place.  "I told the guys, that if you want to score goals, you first must sacrifice an living being to my demonic God Mumra.  I'm still waiting for my goat, so we're just going to play defense for the time being."

Standout Tyler and Eric really played a very well defensive scheme.  Bruising body checks, constant poke checking, and intimating snarls from the blue line contributed to their defensive style.  Nobody on the Whalers dared to take on either of these players on. 

Even with the great defensive system in place, a great paranormal spirit was with the Koolaid Killers.  Let's take you to a place a few weeks earlier in the rural forest in Southern Virginia.  A great alliance to the Koolaid Killers nation, a Master P stumbles upon an mysterious gypsy fortunate teller.  

Master P walks into a tent, that is nestled along a forest path.  He is curious on what the merchant in the tent has to offer and questions the old looking women whom is siting on a chair made of sticks. 

"Is this the place that sells mushrooms.   I've been walking for hours trying to find somebody that will sell me mushrooms.  It's really boring in the forest without the Internet.   Like all I want to do is watch Falco videos.  But instead I went on this walk.   I need something to enhance this experience."

The old women is intrigued in our Master P.  She questions his appearance in this particular part of the forest.
"Young man, How did you get here?  This is a secluded part of the wilderness, only members of my family live here."

"Like do you have mushrooms or not.  Cause I'm about to leave and eat some wild berries instead."  Master P responds.

"Sit down, I feel a great spirit in your heart.  You've done many great things in your life, but I feel you're destine for greatness."  The older women asks.

Master P disappointed with the lack of response about hallucinogenic mushrooms, shrugs his shoulders and sits down next to the old women. 

"Let me see your hand." 

Master P begins to question the old women's incentives.  "Like are you some type of fortunate teller or something.  Cause the last time I got my fortunate told, a gypsy stole my bag of Percocets.  It wasn't cool man."

" I don't like to put labels on myself.  I like to refer to myself as believer in the paranormal arts.  And you young man have something inside of you, that I have never witness."  the old Women replies

Master P hesitate to comply with the Old Woman's demands, shrugs his shoulders again, and puts his hand out for the old Women to examine.  

The Old Woman begins to caress his hand, and is in awe at we she sees.    "I see you killing something in the ocean.  It looks like a gigantic creature of the sea.  Wait, its a........ Whale?  I'm really confused here, I don't know why I see this.  But apparently you're now sexual assaulting the whale, by putting your penis in its blowhole.  There is water being sprayed everywhere, and now I see you smiling with glee."

"Lady, are you trying to steal my bag of Oxycontin?"  Master P questions

"Is there something that is Whale related that has haunted your past?"  The Old Women asks

"Well actually, I played briefly for this team the Waterford Whalers.  It wasn't too long ago that I scrimmage with the Whalers team, but was denied playing time by head weasel Brian Boytano"

Boytanio with his sophisticated look

"That makes sense on why you would be raping a Whale in my image.  Since you were denied access to play, and only being used as a servant on the bench, you were basically violated sexually.  That is the anal type of sexual abuse, I'm speaking of.  You were bent over and made a bitch of by this weasel fellow." Old Woman explains.

"Lady, this is getting too weird for me.  I'm going to ask you for the last time, do you have any mushrooms or not?"  Master P angrily replies.

"Oh, mushrooms yeah, I have a bushel full of them, next to my painkillers I take for getting high.  Go.... over there.   They are on  my stove, near the cocaine and marijuana buds."

Master P walks toward the old women's stove and grabs a handful of mushrooms, a line of cocaine, and takes 4 pills of Oxycontin.  "Now its time to party!!!  If only, I had youtube.   I would be in paradise."

"Let me rid you of this Whaler spell that has haunt you.  When this is gone, I see great things in your life.  Maybe even the White House in your future, or a congressman." Old Woman urges.

The Old Woman, grabs the hand of Master P and then begins to chant "Take this evil spirit of a Whale and curse those whom support the Whalers which is run by a weasel.  Curse them!!! Muwahahahahahha"

"Why are you making that evil laugh?"  Master P ponders

A great wind, carries Master P out of the Old Woman's tent, and he is thrown back into the forest from which he came.  The force from the wind is so powerful, that Master P is knocked out unconscious.   He awakes in a bush, covered in thorns, and stickers. 

"What the hell happen?"  Master P begins to brush the debris off his clothes, and notices certain items missing from his jeans pocket.  "My mushrooms, the cocaine, my Oxycontin.  That evil gypsy has taken it all away.  That fucking bitch!"

Back to the Game >

The spirit that was lifted from Master P came to the aid of the Chief Editor in overtime, he felt a guided force that allowed him to dodge two forwards.  He faked to his own defensive zone, then immediately cut his skates in the opposite direction.  It was like he was carried in the air away from the opposing team.  He skated in the offensive zone on a 2-1 with Joey.  The head weasel was on defense, the spirit carried the Chief Editor towards the goal and push a blazing wrist shot that went top shelf stick side to win the game.

A grand celebration of a celebratory wind-milled followed by a mob of ravage Koolaid Killers whom joined the Chief Editor in triumph.  Quad Skates bewildered by the goal, was in a joyous mood "I feel like the Ewoks blowing up the Death Star in the Return of the Jedi."

The Koolaid Killers will try to continue their winning ways next Mon March 21 at 10pm against the Pennsauken Flames. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Evil Mogilny's Pre-Game Ritual Ends Koolaid Killers Losing Streak

Evil Mogilny with a charming "I'm going to eat your skin" smile

In what has been a dismal first half of the season, where the Koolaid Killers sank into the cellar of the Bronze League.  The Koolaid Killers looked to turnaround their season last night against BMX.  It was also the debut of newly elected Head Coach Evil Mogilny. 

Before the start of the game Evil Mogilny tried to motivate the troops of the Koolaid Killers, with a pre-game ritual that usually involves a sacrificial live goat.  But with a shortage of livestock in the premises of the Flyers Skatezone, Evil Mogilny had to improvise a proper sacrifice.

Evil Mogilny stood in front of his players and rouse them with a motivational speech.  "Now, I'm tired of reading about the horrific collapse of this team.  You guys are a bunch of pansies, and don't have a clue how to play hockey.  I'm an evil man of very few words, So I  decided to use my demonic powers to build team moral. "

At that moment Evil Mogilny brought an inanimate object into the Koolaid Killers locker-room.  It was a missing dodge ball, that was thrown at the direction of Evil Mogilny's charming smile.  Holding the ball with one hand above his head, Evil Mogilny started to chant to his Egyptian demonic god.

"Oh, Mumra my evil lord.  I present you a gift from the mortal beings of human Earth.  Take the soul of this Dodge Ball and power our Men's League Hockey team to victory.  It has been three weeks since our Koolaid Killers last taste the fruits of glory.  Sabotage our opponent and deliver us into evil.  Hail Mumra!"

The players of the Koolaid Killers were puzzled by Evil Mogilny's attempted sacrifice of a dodge ball.  Eric  the Sour Puss was rather upset with this strange occurrence.  "Mickus, why do you have the weirdest friends?  First you bring in Master P, who is now a dancing bear in a Tallahassee Carnival.   Then you bring in Gang Green who was caught masturbating in a bush outside of the Flyers's Skatezone.  Apparently he didn't want to be the only person to not bust a nut, whatever that means.  And now you bring is this Evil Mogilny guy, who is trying sacrifice a dodge ball.  What is wrong with these people?  Did you hangout out the insane asylum as a child.  Cause I don't know where you found these guys.   Like do you have any normal friends?"

A loud yell from the locker-room ceiling had interrupted Eric the Sour Puss's rant.

"Muwhahahahahhahahaha!  Eric shut the hell up!  Maybe if your were not too busy taking unnecessary penalties,  the Koolaid Killers could win a game. Now Evil Mogilny has sacrifice a dodge ball to help motivate the Koolaid Killers, and I've acknowledge his evil doing.  I behold the power of 20,000 years of Egyptian Mummies, and grant the Koolaid Killers strength to destroy team BMX.  Kill Koolaid Kill! Muwhahahahahahhahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!"

With the blessing of Lord Mumra, the Koolaid Killers were determine to end their season high three game losing streak.  The lines were shuffled with Coldplay and Quads playing on the same line with Joey and Chief Editor.  While the second unit was crowned the Super Negativity Line with Sour Puss and Tyler.

"Super Negativity line only needs Montel and Steve Arena and the entire universe would crumble."  A disgruntle Stilts commented.  

The Koolaid Killers played with more intensity and ferociousness.  Quads played like a man possessed by using his large frame to push his way towards the goal.  His constant forecheck, help set up numerous scoring opportunities. 

Late into the third period with the score 3-2 Koolaid Killers, Joey set up a wide open Coldplay in the slot for a one-timer.  Coldplay used the evil force harness by Lord Mumra's  Dodge Ball sacrifice and unleashed a fireball into the top right corner. 

The fans screamed the Coldplay chant of "He used to ruuuuuuuuuuullllee the world!!!!"  Quads gathered in the celebratory circle of players and stumble over the fallen goal scorer.  Quads only had ecstatic words to describe the magnitude of Coldplay's goal

"Coldplay's goal was a loud statement for our team.  His message of take this puck and shove it up your BMX pie hole was heard throughout arena.  The energy from that shot was the icing on the game, and it shows that even a Bubble Hockey Player can ripe it.  I think players from the Super Negativity Line can look to Coldplay for inspiration.  This is a turning point in our season, and this victory can salvage our season.  Now let's boogie like its 1989!"

The Koolaid Killers managed to hold off BMX for a 5-3 victory to improve their record to 2-4.  Next schedule game is Monday March 14 at 9pm against the heated rival Golden Monkey Whalers.  Make-up game has not yet been confirmed, but will be posted when it is re-scheduled.  Don't forget to destroy the masses and fight against the puppet government oppressors. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!