Monday's night thriller of the Golden Monkey Whalers vs the Koolaid Killers was everything it was hype up to be. Tight checking, great defense, timely scoring, terrific goaltending on both ends and one highlight reel goal in overtime that will be crowned "the greatest goal ever scored in Men's League Roller Hockey History."
Before the game Quads came into the locker-room and gave a rousing speech to his teammates. "I know we haven't played our best hockey yet boys. But tonight we're going to harpoon those Whalers. It was four scores and a fortnight, that I too was apart of the Whaler's organization, but the propaganda puppet government was too much for my liking. I've brought gifts of Tecate,
The Koolaid Killers were impressive in their own end. Jack Adams candidate Evil Mogilny has really put his defensive system into place. "I told the guys, that if you want to score goals, you first must sacrifice an living being to my demonic God Mumra. I'm still waiting for my goat, so we're just going to play defense for the time being."
Standout Tyler and Eric really played a very well defensive scheme. Bruising body checks, constant poke checking, and intimating snarls from the blue line contributed to their defensive style. Nobody on the Whalers dared to take on either of these players on.
Even with the great defensive system in place, a great paranormal spirit was with the Koolaid Killers. Let's take you to a place a few weeks earlier in the rural forest in Southern Virginia. A great alliance to the Koolaid Killers nation, a Master P stumbles upon an mysterious gypsy fortunate teller.
Master P walks into a tent, that is nestled along a forest path. He is curious on what the merchant in the tent has to offer and questions the old looking women whom is siting on a chair made of sticks.
"Is this the place that sells mushrooms. I've been walking for hours trying to find somebody that will sell me mushrooms. It's really boring in the forest without the Internet. Like all I want to do is watch Falco videos. But instead I went on this walk. I need something to enhance this experience."
The old women is intrigued in our Master P. She questions his appearance in this particular part of the forest.
"Young man, How did you get here? This is a secluded part of the wilderness, only members of my family live here."
"Like do you have mushrooms or not. Cause I'm about to leave and eat some wild berries instead." Master P responds.
"Sit down, I feel a great spirit in your heart. You've done many great things in your life, but I feel you're destine for greatness." The older women asks.
Master P disappointed with the lack of response about hallucinogenic mushrooms, shrugs his shoulders and sits down next to the old women.
"Let me see your hand."
Master P begins to question the old women's incentives. "Like are you some type of fortunate teller or something. Cause the last time I got my fortunate told, a gypsy stole my bag of Percocets. It wasn't cool man."
" I don't like to put labels on myself. I like to refer to myself as believer in the paranormal arts. And you young man have something inside of you, that I have never witness." the old Women replies
Master P hesitate to comply with the Old Woman's demands, shrugs his shoulders again, and puts his hand out for the old Women to examine.
The Old Woman begins to caress his hand, and is in awe at we she sees. "I see you killing something in the ocean. It looks like a gigantic creature of the sea. Wait, its a........ Whale? I'm really confused here, I don't know why I see this. But apparently you're now sexual assaulting the whale, by putting your penis in its blowhole. There is water being sprayed everywhere, and now I see you smiling with glee."
"Lady, are you trying to steal my bag of Oxycontin?" Master P questions
"Is there something that is Whale related that has haunted your past?" The Old Women asks
"Well actually, I played briefly for this team the Waterford Whalers. It wasn't too long ago that I scrimmage with the Whalers team, but was denied playing time by head weasel Brian Boytano"
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| Boytanio with his sophisticated look |
"That makes sense on why you would be raping a Whale in my image. Since you were denied access to play, and only being used as a servant on the bench, you were basically violated sexually. That is the anal type of sexual abuse, I'm speaking of. You were bent over and made a bitch of by this weasel fellow." Old Woman explains.
"Lady, this is getting too weird for me. I'm going to ask you for the last time, do you have any mushrooms or not?" Master P angrily replies.
"Oh, mushrooms yeah, I have a bushel full of them, next to my painkillers I take for getting high. Go.... over there. They are on my stove, near the cocaine and marijuana buds."
Master P walks toward the old women's stove and grabs a handful of mushrooms, a line of cocaine, and takes 4 pills of Oxycontin. "Now its time to party!!! If only, I had youtube. I would be in paradise."
"Let me rid you of this Whaler spell that has haunt you. When this is gone, I see great things in your life. Maybe even the White House in your future, or a congressman." Old Woman urges.
The Old Woman, grabs the hand of Master P and then begins to chant "Take this evil spirit of a Whale and curse those whom support the Whalers which is run by a weasel. Curse them!!! Muwahahahahahha"
"Why are you making that evil laugh?" Master P ponders
A great wind, carries Master P out of the Old Woman's tent, and he is thrown back into the forest from which he came. The force from the wind is so powerful, that Master P is knocked out unconscious. He awakes in a bush, covered in thorns, and stickers.
"What the hell happen?" Master P begins to brush the debris off his clothes, and notices certain items missing from his jeans pocket. "My mushrooms, the cocaine, my Oxycontin. That evil gypsy has taken it all away. That fucking bitch!"
Back to the Game >
The spirit that was lifted from Master P came to the aid of the Chief Editor in overtime, he felt a guided force that allowed him to dodge two forwards. He faked to his own defensive zone, then immediately cut his skates in the opposite direction. It was like he was carried in the air away from the opposing team. He skated in the offensive zone on a 2-1 with Joey. The head weasel was on defense, the spirit carried the Chief Editor towards the goal and push a blazing wrist shot that went top shelf stick side to win the game.
A grand celebration of a celebratory wind-milled followed by a mob of ravage Koolaid Killers whom joined the Chief Editor in triumph. Quad Skates bewildered by the goal, was in a joyous mood "I feel like the Ewoks blowing up the Death Star in the Return of the Jedi."
The Koolaid Killers will try to continue their winning ways next Mon March 21 at 10pm against the Pennsauken Flames.
Kill Koolaid Kill!
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