Bubble Hockey Player leads Koolaid Killers to First Victory

Coldplay prepared to rip a wrist shot

Last night the Koolaid Killers won their first game of the season 7-3, thanks in large part to a certain individual whom channeled a favorite childhood bubble hockey passion.  Forward Coldplay had been under a lot of pain this season.  Mostly due to his grueling European tour, and hectic lifestyle as a world renown Pop star. 

The Koolaid Killers forward was suffering with his inability to skate around their offensive zone.  So, Assistant Captain Quad Skates had a brilliant idea on how to utilize the talents of Coldplay without the physical effort of skating. 

"I was pondering what I could do, to make Coldplay move faster.   At first,  I contemplating of putting Coldplay on a Segway and let him hovering around the offensive zone in ease.  But, time wasn't on our side, and we didn't have any access to a Segway or any mobile transportation unit.  I decided to tie a large rope to Coldplay's waist, and have our goalie Swiss Cheese Ronda control Coldplay like he has a forward in a Bubble hockey game. 

Coldplay just needed to take a few strides forward, and then Swiss Cheese Ronda could pull him back in our defensive zone.  The momentum from the rope, would allow Coldplay to not use any foot work, and he could easily set sail back to our zone. 

Then when we wanted him to skate in the offensive zone, Swiss Cheese Ronda, could give him a large push, and let him fly down the center of the rink.  But we had the rope still tied to him, so if he went to far Ronda could always pull him back."

Opponent Massacre was confused by the strategy of the Koolaid Killers, and were baffled by the ability of Coldplay's Bubble hockey finesse.    It seemed as though Coldplay was a Soviet Union forward spinning in circles awaiting for the puck to come in his 360 degree radius. 

Swiss Cheese Ronda not only had a remarkable game in net stopping 20shots, but he also had the task of controlling Coldplay's every motion.  " This really took me back to my childhood of playing the famous bubble hockey games of USA vs USSR.  But this wore me out physically, like I didn't remember getting so tired from playing this game as a kid.  Next time, Coldplay should just rent a Hovearound."

In the game action Joey "Domo Arigato" Morotto had a spectacular game with 3 goals and 3 assists.  He broke open the scoring in the second period, with a highlight reel goal.  Joey took a pass from the Chief Editor, and barred down towards the goal.  He then carried the puck behind the net, and spun around the slot, by shielding the puck on his backhand.   He grunted a fierce backhand shot that went top-shelf over the goalie's right shoulder.

Mogilny had an orgasm somewhere, on the quality of the goal.

Coldplay, though limited with his Bubble Hockey mobility, still managed to contribute to the team's offense.  He had a goal and 2 assists.  Coldplay wasn't shocked of his brilliant performance.  "When you rule the world for a living, a minor set back of blisters on your ankles is nothing.  I'm surprised I didn't score anymore goals. Next time I will bring a longer stick, so Ronda won't have to push and pull me as much."

Tyler Irwin also set a Men's League Roller hockey record of being a +12, in a game where his team only scored 7 goals.  It is the first time, a player was credited with + even when his team didn't score a goal.  The officials thought, that Tyler was such a beast on defense, that they awarded him with 5 extra pluses.

Official John Gault amazed by Tyler Irwin's defensive play

Official John Gault was in awe of the defensive clinic Tyler put on Thursday night.  "I've never scene anybody play defense like that.  I didn't know what to do.  So me and the other ref, called central hockey operations in Toronto.  We wanted to be the first referees to install the new pluses rule.  They said, "Who the hell is this?"   I interpreted that as a yes, and the rest is history."

The official Score Sheet is as follows: Joe Morotto 3goals 3 assists +6 Chief Editor 2 goals 1 assist +6 Coldplay 1 goal 2 assists +6 Stilts 2 assists +5 Quad Skates 1goal 2 assists -2 Tyler Irwin 2 assist +12.  Swiss Cheese Ronda 20 saves, 3.00 GAA .865 Save Percentage. 

Next game is Feb 10 at 10pm against Steel Wheels, don't forget to "Vote for the Coach".  We have XL and XXL t-shirts for sale $12 bucks. 

Hunt for a New Coach

After a disappointing lost to Schooley Electric 8-6 last Thursday, management of the Koolaid Killers have decided to bring some expertise on the bench.  

"We feel the direction of the team is very sporadic, and chaotic on the bench.  We hoped Gang Green could organized the lines and make some motivational speeches.  But he is to preoccupied sending viruses on the Internet to New York Rangers fans.   Gang Green's actions have banned him from facebook, and has gained the nickname Rosco "The Virus" Gang Green.

So as an organization we looked to the Waterford Faithful Brigade for a candidate to help guide the Koolaid Killers to victory.  Our list included Master P, War Machine, Evil Mogilny, and Joel Otto.  It was a difficult decision to make, but we put each candidate through a grueling interview process."

First we brought in Master P and sat down with the previous Waterford Whalers coach.   Looking at your resume you have a history of success with men's league hockey teams.  What can you bring to the Koolaid Killers organization? 

Master P contemplating which burrito to order at Baja Fresh

 Master P:  Considering on how well I coach the Whalers last season, I don't see why I couldn't do the same, and even do better.  Those Whalers were a bunch of pansies, and I had to crack the whip to stop the bitching and complaining.  The Koolaid Killers have a lot more potential, which is something I never had with the Whalers.  When your top line consists of Boytanio and mini Boytanio there is something awfully wrong.

What is your philosophy on coaching?

Master P:  First I like to lay down the rules.  Everyone is going to skate hard, stick up for one another, and fight to very last second of the game.  I liked to install the 2-1-1.  That is two men hard on the forecheck, followed by one defense men  hanging in the neutral zone, and the other defence man hanging back in his own defensive zone.  I named the system after my favorite restaurant the Baja Fresh Lock.

Thank You Mr. Master P, we will be in touch with you shortly on our decision.

Next we brought in Waterford Hockey legend the War Machine.  His accolades include starting a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King 1999 at open roller hockey at the Colosseum.  Where he kick somebody in the nuts with his skate.  He also is know for firing his own team up, by starting a scrap or two.   Also his fireworks shows at the Waterford Gardens have received high remarks, by the Googily Gazette news publication.   

War Machine laughing at the idea of kicking somebody in the nuts

 Mr. War Machine do you have any coaching experience?

War Machine: No, but I have a lot of ass kicking experience.  I didn't start a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King day 1999 for no apparent reason.  

Isn't that ironic, that you started a physical altercation on a day that celebrates a man who was known for spreading peace by non-violence.

War Machine: Well, you can't have peace unless you have a War.  And I don't like this nonsense diplomatic non violent shit.  Like lets have a discussion and talk about it bullshit.  When you're in the heat of the moment, do you want to talk to your enemy, or do you want to do a spiraling spin kick to your opponent's gonads."

Ok, next we brought in Evil Mogilny to discuss the opportunity of being the Koolaid Killers next coach.  Evil Mogilny just not a pretty face that sacrifices goats, and knocks up mummified Egyptians.  He has won an astonishing 13 Tannsoboro Deck Hockey Championships, 3 Bronze League Championships, 2 square dancing honorable mentions awards, and 1 awesome Iroc Z. 

Evil Mogilny enjoying a lager

 Evil Mogilny, Why should the Koolaid Killers consider you a candidate for their vacant head coaching position?

Evil Mogilny:  Sorry I couldn't hear your question, all of my trophies are blocking my ability to hear at this moment.  Let me move this one at of the way, yeah let move this one as well.  Damn, I didn't know I had so many trophies.  What was the question again?

What makes you a qualified candidate as a head coach?

Evil Mogilny:  Damn, I really need to build another room for all these trophies I collected.  I still can't hear your question.  Let me back up my bulldozer to clear a space, from all these nuisances Championships I collected over the years.  If only I was a mere average human being, I wouldn't have this problem.  But being the greatest, the responsibility of cleaning and organizing trophies comes along with it.

Ok, we get the point that you have won a lot of trophies over the years.  But with all that success will that translate to coaching.  You have no experience coaching, and when people looked into your eyes they see a mad man who is going to ear their skin off.  How will you relate to your players? 

Evil Mogilny:  Listen did people question Marty McFly that he wouldn't be able to get back to the year 1985.  Yes, he was young, naive, and had a sweet ass hoverboard.  I too, like Marty McFly have a prized hoverboard, buy mine is also from the year 1985 and it is a Camaro Midnight Blue Iroc Z.  Do you think any mullet flying American has such a desired possession.  I had to restore, and baby this automobile over the years.   With this attention to detail, I could easily coach a men's league Bronze team. 

But Marty McFly also had "Doc" to help restore the flux capacitor in the  DeLorean DMC-12.   What are you going to do when the chips are thin and you need a spark on your team?  Who is going to come to the aid of Evil Mogilny?

Evil Mogilny:  I'm sorry, I still can't hear you.  These damn trophies keep piling up. Oh, can you feel the greatness in the air.

With the final candidate being Joel Otto, Detroit Rock City native, and Waterford Hockey alumni from 2005-2007.  He is known for his epic end to end defensive rushes, where he loses control of the ball before his first blue-line.  Joel Otto was heroic in his battles with the Original Harry Potter, who casts many spells on Joel Otto. 

Joel Otto captured under a Harry Potter motionless spell

Mr. Otto, I have to ask, why are you considered a coaching candidate?  You were a terrible Waterford Hockey player, you live in Detroit, and last time I heard your were still recovering from a motionless spell Harry Potter cast on you. 

Joel Otto:  I think the best coaches tend to be the players that were not gifted or had any honorable marks as a player.  Granted I admit I was one of the worse players to ever step on the Waterford Gardens, I learned a lot in my playing days.  First I would tell my players to not mess with an opposing player that has the ability to cast magical spells, or who is an apprentice at Hogwarts Academy.  

What kind of system would you install if your were coach?

Joel Otto: Watching Detroit Red Wing games, I was a great admire of Scotty Bowman.  His left wing lock, was historic and won the Red Wings 3 championships.  I think, I too can have the same success in using the left wing lock.   Also I would like to see my defense men rush the puck, and not making any initial passes.  I want them to not be afraid of carrying the puck end to end.  That's the Joel Otto way.

The Koolaid Killers wants you the fans to decided who deserves a shot at coaching the Koolaid Killers the rest of the season.  In the far right corner, a poll question will be asked by the readers to cast their vote.  Your options are the four candidates interviewed in this article.  Please vote as much as possible, and stand up to the establishment koolaid drinkers!

Jersey Release Party!!!!

Last night the Koolaid Killers unveiled their inaugural jerseys for the 2011 Winter season.  Thousands upon thousands were on hand at Ollie Gators Pub for the monumental event.  Here are a few of the lucky faithful who made the cut of getting published on the Daily Whaler

Stilts proud to be a Koolaid Killer

 

 

 

 

 

Mogilny posing for another season of being on the inactive roster

Tyler supporting our official sponsor Ollie Gators Pub.  Come after every home game and get $1 tacos and $2 PBRs.

 

Leader of the Koolaid Killers fan club, Roy. 

The first game of the season will be next Thursday Jan 27 at 9pm against Schooley Electric.  Come out and receive a free Koolaid Killers rally towel. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

News and Notes: Right Winger Anthony Mussels Marinara suffered a sprained shoulder during the scrimmage last Saturday.  He ran into Mike Blazer in his own defensive zone, which caused the injury. Team Medical Doctors have a time frame of 3 weeks on the IR.

"The type of injury Mussels Marinara suffered is a severe sprain, he needs at least three weeks of rest before he can return to the line-up.  I would recommend not associating with any hungry eating seafood lovers, as they might accidentally mistake Anthony for a dish of mussels marinara.

Anthony Mussels Marinara is dish form

Stay away from Restaurants, Bowling Alleys, low light rooms, the beach, and All you can eat Buffets. 

If he takes my advice I see a return by the second week of the season."

Killers split home and home with Golden Monkey

The Koolaid Killers concluded their pre-season schedule on Saturday evening with a 13-12 lost to the Golden Monkey Whalers.  It was an offensive explosion, as both teams scored a total of 25 goals.  Sergent Slaugther and Swiss Cheese Ronda both had uncharacteristic weak games in net. 

 Slaughter blamed the lack of intensity for his poor performance.   "I don't try in  meaningless pre-season games.  I won 16 championships and have a lifetime career record of 97-5-1.  With those impressive numbers, I don't need to prove myself.  And tell Master P to learn how to skate, and stop falling in my goal crease."

The Koolaid Killers came back from a 5-2 deficit to take a 8-6 lead going into the third period.  Captain Brian Boytanio requested for a few players to fill in the rest of the bench.  "Ahh.... half of our team left.  They said they didn't want to get embarrass anymore.  So we only have 1 substitutions left.  Could you give us your best player and call it even."

"What the hell, Boytanio?  Why can't you play with the guys on your bench?"  Assistant Captain Quads asked.

"Ahh........."  Boytanio gasped 

"This is your practice time.  You agreed upon the time, with your team and they didn't show up.  So that's your fault for poor management."  Quads continued

Boytanio without a response, skated back to his bench in disappointment.  The Chief Editor feeling sorry for the Sad French clown, decided to help the depleted Whalers roster.  "Ok, Boytanio you can have our star winger Master P, but this is the last time we give you guys."

The third period was very back and forth.  Without Master P, the Koolaid Killers began to collapse on offense.  Tyler was confused without Master P in the line-up.  "When I looked up, there was no Master P to pass it to.  I still can't believe the toe drag he pulled off on Hayes in the second period.  If that shot went in, I would have ejaculated all over the rink."

Head Weasel Boytanio, decided to not play Master P and sit him on the bench for the entire third period.  His plan of stealing the best player on the Koolaid Killers, and make him suffer without playing had worked.  The Koolaid Killers packed it in the third and lost in a heart breaking 13-12 fashion.

Master P was none to happy about Boytanio's weasel actions.  "That was total bullshit.  I had so much fun playing on the Koolaid Killers, and then Boytanio weasel me out of playing time in the third period.  I don't understand why he has to play the entire game, he clearly isn't very good, and he is not in very good shape either.  Also I had to hear Sergent Slaughter bitch about my skating ability, when I had only one shift.  Slaughter go change your tampon!"

With the poor performance by the Whalers, Head Captain Brian Boytanio has decided to move back down to the bronze division. 

League official Bob Anderson, has called for a replacement team to substitute  the Whalers in the Silver league.  "Apparently, The Whalers have lost half of their roster from last season and have requested to move down in the Bronze league. Now their is an unbalance of teams in each division, so I'm asking anybody from the bronze division if they would want to move up.  This also effects the league schedule, which was suppose to be completed by today, but now the Whalers have delayed everything.  Thanks a lot Brian Boytanio, you dick weasel."

The Start of the season will begin next week, the exact date it is still unsure.  But stay connected to the daily whaler, and we will post the league schedule once it is released.  Jerseys should be done by Friday, or sooner.  Have any questions, chime in with  responses.  No, tickets to our games are not re-sold on Stub Hub.  You have to directly purchase them on Gang Green's facebook page, along with a sound mixer he is selling. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Pre Season Schedule Announced

The Koolaid Killers, have announced a pre season schedule against the heated rival Golden Monkey Whalers this week. A home and home series will begin this Thursday at 10pm, and will conclude on Saturday at 5pm.  Management of the Golden Monkey Whalers look forward to a pre-season math-up with the highly anticipated Waterford Koolaid Killers expansion team. 

As a means of good will the Golden Monkey Whalers will give all fans in attendance free spicy egg rolls.  Hurry and come to the Flyers Skate Zone as the first 3,000 fans receive a Golden Monkey Menu signed by captain Brian Boytanio. 

Even though its only a friendly pre season game, general manager Gang Green looks forward  to the pre-season matches.  "Its a measuring stick, on how well our team is.  The Golden Monkey Whalers are an above average team in the silver division.  So if we can perform well, our season looks very promising.  Plus I want to see Boytanio drilled into the boards.  The first player to lay out Boytanio, gets my full respect and a free lap dance by the Evil Mogilny mummified posse." 

A schedule for the 2011 Winter season will be released shorty and will be posted on-line once it's announced.  All players have to be USA hockey registered, so please go to http://www.usahockeyregistration.com/ and fill out the necessary forms. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Oh Yeah!!! Here comes the Koolaid Man on Skates

Domo Arigato! Joey Morrotto signs with Koolaid Killers!

Late into the wee hours of the night, the Koolaid Killers came to an agreement with star forward Joey Morrotto.  The contract still hasn't been officially announce, but reports are a long term deal in the 100 million dollar range. GM Gang Green was very pleased that Joey has decided to sign with his hometown team.

"It was a very tiresome contract negotiations.  We as an organization knew we needed premium talent on this team.  I think both parties will be pleased by the deal.  I think the final ice breaker was a free Koolaid Killers limited edition license plate cover.  Those are pretty hard to come by these days." 

An ecstatic Joey gave credit to the Koolaid Killers franchise for handling the contract with such class.  "This is the team I wanted to play for from the beginning.  I grew up in the Waterford Metropolitan area, and wanted to stay close to my roots at the Waterford Gardens.  I'm looking forward to training camp next week, and will play my heart out for the blue, red and white."

Assistant GM, Quad Skates was also pleased with the monumental signing.  "With Joey in the line-up it should ease the defensive collapses of Swiss Cheese Ronda.  Even though the Swiss has been playing extremely well this past season for Shop Rite.  I still wouldn't mind having a goal scoring that can patch up the gaping Swiss hole in our goaltending."

The signing comes on the night of the captains meeting at Skatezone where assistant captains Quads and Tyler attended.  So far games will be schedule on Monday and Thursday.  But, a request for less Monday games was brought up by the assistant duos.

A refine schedule will be posted in the coming week, and a practice will be announce for sometime next week as well.  Also if anyone hasn't sign up for USA hockey, please do so before the start of the season during the week of January 18.   

Kill Koolaid Kill!