The Wholly Monk

Hi this is Master P for The Daily Whaler.  The Whalers split their two games this week with a 1-1 record.  I caught up with new back-up goalie "Wholly Monk" to reflect on the past games.

Master P "What were your first thoughts about playing for the Whalers"

Wholly Monk: "I read about them on the daily whaler, and heard very negative things.  I thought to myself do I really want to play for a team that finish 1-11 in the previous season.  But I told my head master Swiss Cheese Ronda I would fill in for him, as he went on his journey to patch his holes."

Master P "Is that how you obtain, your holes yourself from Swiss Cheese Ronda?"

Wholly Monk "No, no no.  You see I've too be playing goalie for awhile.  And after a few seasons, your body begins to wear down from all the goals being scored.  So naturally I obtain the holes.  I've learned to nurture my holes, and be one with my hole.  I'm  a very spiritual person, so these holes, are just an extension of my living soul. You have to welcome the holes.  Let the holes know you're ok with their presence.  The wholes are a metaphor of life.  That obstacles are thrown at your way, and you have to overcome them by looking past the holes.  The holes also symbolize the sun God Ra.  To let the light in, a hole is formed.

Master P begins to snore, and the Wholly Monk gets rather upset
"Are you sleeping?"

Master P "Where the hell am I"

Wholly Monk "You were interviewing me."

Master P  "Who are you?  Where did all my stuff go?"

Wholly Monk "You're in my house.  You came over here to do an interview for the daily whaler."

Master P "Oh yeah.  So what were your feelings, when you first entered the whaler locker-room?"

Wholly Monk "At first, I was appalled by the extreme rainbows, and sunshine in the locker-room.  I saw half the team hugging, and laughing with each other.  I turned to a gentlemen named Stilts and asked him what was going on.  He said "don't worry they only hug the ones who drink the kool-aid"

Master P "Did you drink the Kool-aid?"

Wholly Monk "No. I might be a free spirit, but I'm not into the homo-erotic love fest before a game.  Like can't those guys wait until the game is over."

Master P "Who impressed you the most on the Whalers?

Wholly Monk "Stilts.  He was a very good skater, and was the only person who acknowledge me.  Everyone else was cool and very nice.  Except Boytanio.  That guy was a total dick."

Master P "Boytanio is a dick."

Wholly Monk "Yeah what is up with that."

Master P "He is a puppet in the Car Arena Empire."

Wholly Monk "You know what.  I noticed that.  Those Arenas made him fill up their water bottles, tie their skates, drive them to the game, pay for their fruit snacks, polish their helmets, spit shine their protective cups, while they didn't even show a grain of gratitude."

Master P "So whats next for the Wholly Monk?"

Wholly Monk "I plan on playing the next 2 games, if Boytanio allows me.   If not, I will continue to pray for another opportunity to play goal.  But for now all I can do is pray, and be one with the holes."

The Whalers will host their next 2 games next Mon, and Tues.  Come out and cheer for your home-town Whalers.

One Love,
Master P

Whalers lose Again

The Daily Whaler, has announced the signing of Beat reporter Master P, to cover the Waterford Whalers for the rest of the season.  Here is his report from last night's game.

Happiness, and rainbows that the Car Arena Koolaid has to offer is starting to wear thin on the Whalers last night.

A heartbreaking 6-5 defeat against an inferior Bronze league team, has created turmoil in the lockerroom.  Speculations of releasing star goaltender Swiss Cheese Ronda, and superstar forward Montel have been talked about by GM Boytanio.

With the lack of goal scoring, the Whalers are in the talks of obtaining offense by trading Montel to the heated rival Bulldogs.

Boytaino had this comment "Right now we're not scoring any goals, so we're looking at the possibilities of acquiring offense to the Whalers.  Are only trade bait, we have is Montel.  His contract runs out after this season, so we're exploring options to better our team."

Montel was none to please to hear these trade rumors "I can't believe they would trade the all time goal scoring leading of the franchise away.  But at the same time, I'm not very happy with the media of the Waterford Whalers.  I don't appreciate being made fun of.  I'm Montel, I take this shit seriously."

Right after Montel made this comment, the Daily whaler posted this picture of Montel

Swiss Cheese Ronda hasn't helped his cause this season.  He has allowed an Goals Against average of 6.98 Goals a game, and is creating more wholes in his cheese each time he plays.  At the rate he is going, he will disappear into a alternative universe by slipping into a black hole he created.

 The Whalers are none to please with his play, and are debating about putting the Swiss on the Waver Wire.

Boytaino defended his Swiss Cheese of a goalie "We can't blame Ronda for all the troubles we had this season.  I'm having fun, Arenas are having fun, Stilts is having fun, Montel is having fun and the rest of the team is having fun.  So in the end, we're having fun.  Plus I don't want to play goalie.  I care more about the fun."

So to conclude Steve Arena, You Suck!

One Love,
Beat Reporter Master P

Lower League. Same Results.

This is off the sportcourt reporter Master P reporting live outside of the Flyers Skate Zone.

I've show up to buy some strawberry milk, from the Nestle vending machine, and noticed the standings in the Bronze Mens league.  At the very bottom are the Whalers at 1-3., even  under the Santos's Bulldogs. 

Don't drink the koolaid.  Car Arena sucks.  Boytanio Sucks.  Steve Sucks.  Matt Sucks.  Their 3 midgets in a trench-coat they suck too.  

The happiness and rainbows they promise, is only a disguise.  Unless you want to be stuff into Boytanios trunk, and forced to wait on the Arenas at all hours of the day.

Boytanio shows no leadership, he lets Montel do whatever he wants.  Here is a clip of Montel in last weeks game, notice how happy he is




 Oh, I hear the ice cream man driving down the street.  This is Master P, for The Daily Whaler

One Love,
Master P

Go Lovebugs!!!!

The Drop off!

Lovebugs, time is ticking away!

We need deposits in the amount of 293.45 from every Lovebug on the roster.

If you could please put the cash , or check in a purple envelope.  Call Boytanio on his cell-phone, and then he will give you vivid instructions of the drop off.

It is important that we be discrete about this.

All Hail Lovebugs!!!!

Final Lovebug Addition

Hey there guys.  I wanted to announce our final Lovebug to our 6 man roster.  You might recognize him from his days at Sesame Street as a game show host.  He also tends to frequent the Waterford Hockey rink 2 months out of the entire year.  His positive attitude and hard working demeanor will mesh well in the Lovebugs locker room.

Give a Lovebugs welcome to Gee Smiley.

Now our roster is complete with Steve, Matt, Boytanio, Stilts, JD, and Ronda.  Deposit is due on the 21st of May, so i will have Boytanio pick it up from each individual player.

Also I'm holding a team meeting next week, at a secret location.   Boytanio will pick everyone up in the Lovebug van at any given moment .  You will be blind folded, and forced into the 12 passenger Lovebug mobile. 

More information will be posted or await for further instructions.

Mandatory Gerbil Implants

Hey Lovebugs,

I was just talking to Boytanio, (head of scientific advancement department) and he had some very intriguing test results.  You see, I felt the Whalers had very slow team speed.   So I had Boytanio look into ways that could improve our quickness.

First we looked into ways of training our legs into better shape.  So I tied Boytanio to the back of the Lovebug van and floored the accelerator to the speeds of 85mph.  His nibble little caffs scrapped along the asphalt, until i reached a 4way intersection.  Boytanio was covered in bandages for severed months, due to the severe asphalt burns.

Next we research the advancements of vitamins and protein to our daily diet.  We found out that if we added high proteins like (meat, fish, nuts, or kangaroo meat) our muscles would increase in bulkiness.     I felt we already had enough meat, fish, and nuts in our diets.  Boytanio can do amazing things in the kitchen and in the sack if you know what i mean. Wink! Wink! :) :>>>>>>>

So I flew Boytanio to Australia  to obtain high protein kangaroo meat.  I didn't realize that it was Gay Awareness week in Sydney,during  the week of Boytanio's visit.  Distracted by all the extreme international gayness, Boytanio never left the "Bavarian Bear Group" whom snatch him up.

Defeated and dishearten I felt nothing was going to help the Lovebugs team speed.  But when Boytanio came back from Australia, I notice he was squirming a lot, and looked very uncomfortable.

"Ahhh... Boytanio could you go fetch me the paper?" I asked

Boytanio got up and sprinted like a cheetah to the front lawn.  Before I could finish my next "Ahhh..", the paper was in my hand.

I was amazed of Boytanio's speed  that morning
"How did you do that?"

Boytanio raised his shoulders in confusion, and didn't say a word.

Later that night, my sexual ambitions got a little frisky.  I pulled Boytanio away from his late night drinking and force him on the bed.  As I had my way with Boytanio's body, I notice an object lodged in Boytanio's anus. 

"Ahhh... Boytanio! What the hell is stuck in your asshole?"

"Oh, I totally forgot.  When I was in Australia i got a Gerbil Implant in my shooter."  Boytanio explained

"Is that why your so quick and nimble?"  I asked

"I don't know.  All I can tell you is that I haven't take a shit in two weeks."  Boytanio remarked

"Eureka!  That's it.  I'm going to make it mandatory for every Lovebug to get a gerbil implant.  Nobody is going to catch us on the sport-court this season."  I shouted with glee.

"Well, can I get a new implant.  I think my gerbil ate some of my internal colon." asked Boytanio

"Oh Boytanio!"