Jersey Release Party!!!!

Last night the Koolaid Killers unveiled their inaugural jerseys for the 2011 Winter season.  Thousands upon thousands were on hand at Ollie Gators Pub for the monumental event.  Here are a few of the lucky faithful who made the cut of getting published on the Daily Whaler

Stilts proud to be a Koolaid Killer

 

 

 

 

 

Mogilny posing for another season of being on the inactive roster

Tyler supporting our official sponsor Ollie Gators Pub.  Come after every home game and get $1 tacos and $2 PBRs.

 

Leader of the Koolaid Killers fan club, Roy. 

The first game of the season will be next Thursday Jan 27 at 9pm against Schooley Electric.  Come out and receive a free Koolaid Killers rally towel. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

News and Notes: Right Winger Anthony Mussels Marinara suffered a sprained shoulder during the scrimmage last Saturday.  He ran into Mike Blazer in his own defensive zone, which caused the injury. Team Medical Doctors have a time frame of 3 weeks on the IR.

"The type of injury Mussels Marinara suffered is a severe sprain, he needs at least three weeks of rest before he can return to the line-up.  I would recommend not associating with any hungry eating seafood lovers, as they might accidentally mistake Anthony for a dish of mussels marinara.

Anthony Mussels Marinara is dish form

Stay away from Restaurants, Bowling Alleys, low light rooms, the beach, and All you can eat Buffets. 

If he takes my advice I see a return by the second week of the season."

Killers split home and home with Golden Monkey

The Koolaid Killers concluded their pre-season schedule on Saturday evening with a 13-12 lost to the Golden Monkey Whalers.  It was an offensive explosion, as both teams scored a total of 25 goals.  Sergent Slaugther and Swiss Cheese Ronda both had uncharacteristic weak games in net. 

 Slaughter blamed the lack of intensity for his poor performance.   "I don't try in  meaningless pre-season games.  I won 16 championships and have a lifetime career record of 97-5-1.  With those impressive numbers, I don't need to prove myself.  And tell Master P to learn how to skate, and stop falling in my goal crease."

The Koolaid Killers came back from a 5-2 deficit to take a 8-6 lead going into the third period.  Captain Brian Boytanio requested for a few players to fill in the rest of the bench.  "Ahh.... half of our team left.  They said they didn't want to get embarrass anymore.  So we only have 1 substitutions left.  Could you give us your best player and call it even."

"What the hell, Boytanio?  Why can't you play with the guys on your bench?"  Assistant Captain Quads asked.

"Ahh........."  Boytanio gasped 

"This is your practice time.  You agreed upon the time, with your team and they didn't show up.  So that's your fault for poor management."  Quads continued

Boytanio without a response, skated back to his bench in disappointment.  The Chief Editor feeling sorry for the Sad French clown, decided to help the depleted Whalers roster.  "Ok, Boytanio you can have our star winger Master P, but this is the last time we give you guys."

The third period was very back and forth.  Without Master P, the Koolaid Killers began to collapse on offense.  Tyler was confused without Master P in the line-up.  "When I looked up, there was no Master P to pass it to.  I still can't believe the toe drag he pulled off on Hayes in the second period.  If that shot went in, I would have ejaculated all over the rink."

Head Weasel Boytanio, decided to not play Master P and sit him on the bench for the entire third period.  His plan of stealing the best player on the Koolaid Killers, and make him suffer without playing had worked.  The Koolaid Killers packed it in the third and lost in a heart breaking 13-12 fashion.

Master P was none to happy about Boytanio's weasel actions.  "That was total bullshit.  I had so much fun playing on the Koolaid Killers, and then Boytanio weasel me out of playing time in the third period.  I don't understand why he has to play the entire game, he clearly isn't very good, and he is not in very good shape either.  Also I had to hear Sergent Slaughter bitch about my skating ability, when I had only one shift.  Slaughter go change your tampon!"

With the poor performance by the Whalers, Head Captain Brian Boytanio has decided to move back down to the bronze division. 

League official Bob Anderson, has called for a replacement team to substitute  the Whalers in the Silver league.  "Apparently, The Whalers have lost half of their roster from last season and have requested to move down in the Bronze league. Now their is an unbalance of teams in each division, so I'm asking anybody from the bronze division if they would want to move up.  This also effects the league schedule, which was suppose to be completed by today, but now the Whalers have delayed everything.  Thanks a lot Brian Boytanio, you dick weasel."

The Start of the season will begin next week, the exact date it is still unsure.  But stay connected to the daily whaler, and we will post the league schedule once it is released.  Jerseys should be done by Friday, or sooner.  Have any questions, chime in with  responses.  No, tickets to our games are not re-sold on Stub Hub.  You have to directly purchase them on Gang Green's facebook page, along with a sound mixer he is selling. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Pre Season Schedule Announced

The Koolaid Killers, have announced a pre season schedule against the heated rival Golden Monkey Whalers this week. A home and home series will begin this Thursday at 10pm, and will conclude on Saturday at 5pm.  Management of the Golden Monkey Whalers look forward to a pre-season math-up with the highly anticipated Waterford Koolaid Killers expansion team. 

As a means of good will the Golden Monkey Whalers will give all fans in attendance free spicy egg rolls.  Hurry and come to the Flyers Skate Zone as the first 3,000 fans receive a Golden Monkey Menu signed by captain Brian Boytanio. 

Even though its only a friendly pre season game, general manager Gang Green looks forward  to the pre-season matches.  "Its a measuring stick, on how well our team is.  The Golden Monkey Whalers are an above average team in the silver division.  So if we can perform well, our season looks very promising.  Plus I want to see Boytanio drilled into the boards.  The first player to lay out Boytanio, gets my full respect and a free lap dance by the Evil Mogilny mummified posse." 

A schedule for the 2011 Winter season will be released shorty and will be posted on-line once it's announced.  All players have to be USA hockey registered, so please go to http://www.usahockeyregistration.com/ and fill out the necessary forms. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Oh Yeah!!! Here comes the Koolaid Man on Skates

Domo Arigato! Joey Morrotto signs with Koolaid Killers!

Late into the wee hours of the night, the Koolaid Killers came to an agreement with star forward Joey Morrotto.  The contract still hasn't been officially announce, but reports are a long term deal in the 100 million dollar range. GM Gang Green was very pleased that Joey has decided to sign with his hometown team.

"It was a very tiresome contract negotiations.  We as an organization knew we needed premium talent on this team.  I think both parties will be pleased by the deal.  I think the final ice breaker was a free Koolaid Killers limited edition license plate cover.  Those are pretty hard to come by these days." 

An ecstatic Joey gave credit to the Koolaid Killers franchise for handling the contract with such class.  "This is the team I wanted to play for from the beginning.  I grew up in the Waterford Metropolitan area, and wanted to stay close to my roots at the Waterford Gardens.  I'm looking forward to training camp next week, and will play my heart out for the blue, red and white."

Assistant GM, Quad Skates was also pleased with the monumental signing.  "With Joey in the line-up it should ease the defensive collapses of Swiss Cheese Ronda.  Even though the Swiss has been playing extremely well this past season for Shop Rite.  I still wouldn't mind having a goal scoring that can patch up the gaping Swiss hole in our goaltending."

The signing comes on the night of the captains meeting at Skatezone where assistant captains Quads and Tyler attended.  So far games will be schedule on Monday and Thursday.  But, a request for less Monday games was brought up by the assistant duos.

A refine schedule will be posted in the coming week, and a practice will be announce for sometime next week as well.  Also if anyone hasn't sign up for USA hockey, please do so before the start of the season during the week of January 18.   

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Master P resigns as Whalers Head Coach

Hours after the public announcement of the purchase of the Waterford Whalers organization by "Golden Monkey" Chinese restaurant, Master P has resigned as head coach of the Whalers.  We take you live to a press conference held inside the Golden Monkey Restaurant.

"Hello all members of the Waterford media.  I've decided to resign as head coach of the Golden Monkey Whalers, previously known as the Waterford Whalers.  Management has not picked up my contract for next season, and I'm gracefully stepping aside for a new coach.

I thought I did a great job of putting together a playoff team with a horrible roster.  I only blame Boytanio for the lack of success on this team.  His constant back-stabbing and triple axle play was a distraction for the players. Maybe I should of cut his ass, along with the other members of car Arena.

I came here to put the Whalers in the position of winning another championship.  Given the past two seasons before my arrival, this organization was in total disarray.  Constant complaining, excuses, propaganda by the puppet government led by Boytanio, and a last place finish in the worse division.

It was a constant up hill climb, to fix these problems. I only regret that my time here wasn't longer, I thought we had potential to compete next season.  I wish the new Golden Monkey Whalers to suffer, and have another miserable season at the bottom.

You can all kiss my white pale ass!  Now, I'm ready for any questions from the media."


  What are your plans for the new season?  Any other coaching offers? 

"No, I haven't been contacted by any other team.  I would like to get a chance of coaching against the Whalers."

Their have been reports that Boytanio got you fired.  He even went to the extent, of calling you "a worthless player" and why would anybody want to listen to a coach that can't play the game of hockey.

"I don't know if any of that is true.  But I can tell you that Boytanio is a scumbag.  So if he got me fired, than that shows how much of a weasel he is.  And him calling me a worthless player is like Paris Hilton calling me a slut."

An interruption over the loud speaker at the Golden Monkey Restaurant, "The order with the pint of Kung Pow Chicken, Pepper Steak Onions, and Cashew Chicken your spring rolls are ready!"

Master P what will you do if you can't land a coaching job next season?

"My fraternity of the Coco Puff Committee has ordered me to fly to a far away galaxy if I can't land a coaching job next season.  I'll harvest any planet that has the richest fields of chocolaty coco puff ingredients.  We have a total society that is based on the fuel of Coco Puffs.  If we don't have a significant amount of Coco Puffs, we will suffer and retreat to our home planet of Kruger Xion 8."

Interesting.  I thought, you were done with the whole domination of Coco Puffs in the galaxy.  This sounds very familiar to a story previously covered in The Googily Gazette in the summer of 2005.  I believe it had something to do with the slavery of Bauer sticks on your home planet.

"Yeah, once you belong to the Coco Puff Committee, you can never get out.  Plus I crave the delicious taste of Coco Puffs right as this very moment.  Just the thought of, swirling around a spoon full of chocolaty corn starch puff balls in my mouth, makes me water in fulfillment."

An older Chinese women who is running the Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant, runs on the stage and begins to yell.  "You have to go!"

Master P points at himself and questions why he has to leave.  "You told me I would get 30mins for my press conference.  It has been barely 15minutes."

Old Chinese Lady "You leave now! Nobody cares about Coco Puffs.  Leave"

Master P, "Ok, what about the steam dumplings.  I was told, there would be free dumplings after the press conference."

The Old Chinese Lady begins to shove Master P off of the podium and yells at the rest of the Waterford media members.  "Either you buy, or leave!  No credit. Only cash!"

Master P and the media members exit out of the Golden Monkey Restaurant into the parking lot.  "Ok, do any of you guys have any spare change?  I really want those steam dumplings.  They promised me.  I didn't bring any cash, since I thought they would be free.  Plus the ATM machine charges a bullshit $3.00 surcharge."










 

Whalers bought out by Chinese Restaruant

Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant logo

This just came off the wire, from the VSN media global.  The Waterford Whalers organization has been sold to the "Golden Monkey" Chinese Restaurant franchise.  It appears financial problems have caused the Whalers inability to compete in the Voorhees Men's league. 

Here is a statement from president of the former Waterford Whalers organization.  "Today is a sad day for the legions of Waterford fans in our area.  Even though we won two championships this year, we were unable to draw enough support from ticket sales, merchandise, and television sponsorship.  Its a business running a Men's league team.  Without a profitable team, its time to cut the losses and move on.

The Golden Monkey Chinese Restaurant, has agreed in principal to buy out the remaining contracts on players and coaching staff in the organization. They have promised to bring back Car Arena, and Sergent Slaughter.  You can buy season tickets on their website at Golden Monkey.com  Or you can go into any local Golden Monkey restaurant and order the General Tso's chicken and receive 10% off a Weeknight game in February."

As for the daily whaler, it has been bought out by a new business partnership led by Quad F. Kennedy Skates and Rosco Gang Green.  This new partnership has establish a new Waterford expansion team, "The Koolaid Killers."

Rosco Gang Green had this to say about being part of the new expansion team.  "The Koolaid Killers are going to take the Voorhees Men's League by storm.  We have a very good team assemble, no crybabys who can't take a joke in a fictitious blog.  Only players who have a personality to destroy sunshine rainbow car run governments.  Its time to rise up and smash that glass of koolaid!"

The Daily Whaler have chosen to keep its name, but get rid of Waterford Whaler logos.  This season the daily whaler will only follow the Koolaid Killers franchise.  The Chief Editor explained the re-formatting. "I figure nobody really cares about the Whalers anymore, since it has been bought out, and will probably move to China in a few years anyway.  In the next few weeks a total overhaul will be performed on the daily whaler.  New colors, logos, graphics, and videos. " 

Head Weasel Brian Boytanio seems to welcome the new ownership of the Whalers.  "I hope they fire Master P as our coach. I'm getting tired of him riding me the entire game.  I'm going to use my weasel senses, by recommending his dismissal, and promote the Arenas as the new head coach.  Then I'll be re-united with car Arena. ha ha ha" A diabolical laugh from Boytanio was heard under his weasel breath.

It is uncertain the future of Master P or any of the other Whaler players.