La Stanley

Whalers Champions of the Outdoors

It had come down to only one goal to decide the Whalers season.  One chance for redemption of a miserable regular season, one chance of reclaiming glory from the past, one chance of regaining respect from the Waterford community,  and one chance to win their third game of the season.

A hard fought game between the Peter North Stars as scene in this photo,

 

and the Waterford Whalers were on showcase last night in the First Glory Day Sports Roller Hockey Championship.  In the regular season the Peter North Stars had their way with the Whalers, by beating them three times, and even recently a 7-1 victory on Monday.  

But this was a new look Whalers with the addition of Joey Lawrence from Blossom that had added a scoring touch in the absence of Coldplay and Master P.

Captain Quads, had a strategy to contain the Peter North Stars high powered offense.  "From previous games, they would just put their fat guys next to the goalie and wait for a long pass.  I decided to wait back in the defensive end, and distract their fat guys by waiving a gobbler shorti from WaWa in their face.  No fat man can resist the delicious turkey and smothering gravy of a WaWa gobbler."

It was a very defensive tight game, as neither team wanted to end their season in defeat.  Slashes, body checks, block shots were a plenty from both sides. 

Closing seconds of the game the Whalers had a 3-2 lead, but the North Stars tired of the Turkey Gobbler enticing, made a charge at the Whaler goal.   Fat Guy number 3 took a explosive slap shot from the top of the circle and redirected it off of A1's skate for the game tying goal. 

Steve Arena not too pleased about the game tying goal, quickly won the face off and charged down the right wing, and scored the apparent game winning goal.   Fat guy number 4 complained that Steve Arena had dislodged the net, and Fat guy number 1 and 5 also had a complaint. 

"That's no goal!" the group of fat men shouted

Afraid and alarmed of the upset fat men, the referees decided the goal to be disallowed and overtime would have to settle the outcome of the game.

From the Whaler bench, a disappointed and uncertain wave of despaired had stormed the confidence of the team.  Late Roster Addition Joey Lawrence from Blossom calm the storm and gave his team a roaring speech.  "Guys, Chill out.  Steve Arena we know you scored that goal.  It no big deal dude.  When I was on the television show Blossom, things like this would happen all the time.  You know what I would do, I would take a swig of my Pepsi, and say its going to be alright Blossom.  Nobody cares that you look like a horse, with a mini-skirt."

A1 Steak Sauce confused about the direction of Joey Lawrence's speech intervened  "Ah...I don't really care about a television show that was on when i was a baby Steak Sauce Bottle.  Can we just win this game.   I don't think any of us are going to make it to the championship ever again.  So lets win it now!"

Within minutes of the overtime, A1 feed a wide open Joey Lawrence who ripped a shot from the far left slot.  He shot it high to the blocker side, as the ball was in mid-air.  Only thoughts of the turmoil season, Boytanio shunning out the Chief Editor, Gang Green, Master P, Matt Arena complaining the Daily Whaler is borderline cyber bullying but yet he can't get enough, Steve Arena complaining that the sun is too hot, and at that very moment it was over.  

 The Outdoor Whalers were Champions of the Glory Day Sports League 2010

Marlton Miracle

Inspiring one of the greatest upsets in the history of Men's League Outdoor Hockey.  The Waterford Whalers triumph 4-1 last night against the heavily favorite Money Shot.  It also ended a 7 game losing streak and a 35 game losing streak for Steve Arena.

When reached for comment about ended his own personal losing streak.  Steve Arena had only tears of joy of finally being able to share a victory with his own teammates.  

In the game action Boytanio was very impressive in goal stopping 35 shots, and only allowing 1 goal in the game.  Gang Green had this to say about the number 1 star of the game “Boytanio must of blown up gigantic balloon animals, and stuff them in his chest protector to make illegal saves.  I think Glory Day Sports should look into the size of his pads, and ban them for the championship game.”

Captain Quads was a decisive factor in the game, by making tremendous defensive plays on Little Joey.  His determination of staying back, and not shooting into his own net, provided a stranglehold on team Money Shot’s offensive abilities.  

“I’m so ecstatic to make it back to the championship.  I feel bad for Money Shot, who went 6-2 in the regular season and lost to an inferior Whaler team that finished dead last with a 1-7 record. But this is why I love this game” Quads replied.

Gritty Forward John Valentino gave credit to the Whalers for ending a disappointing season for his team Money Shot “I have to give credit where credit is due.  Those guys played well, and if they win the Championship with a 1-7 regular season record, than so be it.   I would just like to see Matt Arena wear some longer shorts.   Newsflash short-shorts were fashionable in the 80s and with wildlife experts.   Everyone is tired of seeing your ginger balls, flapping in the wind, when you skate around the neutral zone.  Cover up those fire beads, for the love of god”

The Outdoor Whalers will try to become the first team ever to win more games in the post-season, than the regular season on Thursday Night at 7:30pm.  Show up and wear your Whaler pride with Honor.  

Shop Rite Orders a Swiss Cheese Ronda

 At the local Shop Rite Deli a man walks to the counter and places an order. 

"Yes, Can I have a pound of salami, a half pound of ham, a pound of american cheese, and a pound of liverwourst"  the man asks

The Deli Clerk responds to the man "Will that be all?"

The Man thinks to himself and remembers one more item on his deli list.  "Oh, I alsmost forgot can I get a half pound of Swiss Cheese?"

Their is a silence, that overcomes the busy Shop Rite Deli.   The Deli Clerk looks around and with a stern face replies to the man.  "Sir.  We haven't had swiss cheese in Shop Rite Delis for ages."

"What do you mean?  I just came here last week and got a half pound of swiss."  the man responds.

"Well, its a very long story.  The management apparently had a fight with a customer who would buy swiss cheese and eat it in the store.  It got to the point, that other customers would mimic his swiss cheese eating habits as well.  So, they realize to stop ordering Swiss Cheese, and the problem would go away.  But it didn't.  I'm going to have to ask you now to stop talking about our non-selection of swiss cheese products"  the deli clerk explains.

The Man confuse about the lack of Swiss Cheese, takes his pound of salami, half pound of ham, pound of American Cheese, and pound of liverwurst and exits the Shop Rite Deli. While on his drive home, the man notices his check engine light on in his car.  "Oh, what the hell." the man complains.

Late at night, with not many stores open.  The man decides to pull into the Hammonton Roll-Away, and ask to use their telephone.  As the man, opens the front door, he smells a very familiar aroma.  He sniffs the air and is delighted at the odor.  "It smells like a grilled swiss-cheese sandwich!" the man joyfully yells.

To his surprise, he see's a large slice of Swiss Cheese playing goalie.  He turns to one of the spectators and asks a question.  "Why is there a large slice of Swiss Cheese playing goal?" the man asks

The spectator replies "He used to be a regular human being goaltender.  Than he played a season for the Waterford Whalers, and allowed a record high 12 goals a game.  It got so bad that his white blood cells turned into pasteurized Swiss cheese.   He tried to fight it.  He even went out and bought bigger pads.  But it was too late.  By the last game of the season, he had completely turned into a slice of Swiss cheese."

The man walks up to the large slice of Swiss Cheese.  "Hey, I just was at the Shop Rite, and they are completely out of you.  Would you be interested, working at the Deli Counter?" the man asked

 The Large piece of Swiss Cheese replies "No, its too late.  I'm already on the Shop Rite Men's roller hockey team.  And I'm itching for a victory against those Waterford Whalers on November 18 at 10pm.  Boytanio you are going down!  This time the Swiss will be back, and I'm ready to transform into my human form again.  People will be praising the re-birth of Swiss Cheese Ronda!"

Stilts Demands More Coverage of the Indoor Whalers

Whalers veteran and Daily Whaler supporter Stilts has demanded more press coverage of the indoor Waterford Whalers organization. "Nobody cares about an outdoor team, that is 1-5 and is on pace for another disgraceful season.  Its time the people were informed about the Indoor Whalers team.  Head Coach Master P, has motivated me to care once again for the game of roller hockey.  I was contemplating retirement, but once I heard the soft spoken voice of Master P address this team, I only wanted to skate my heart out for this fiery head coach."

With only 2 games into the season, the Indoor Whalers are 1-1.  Master P still has higher exceptions for a team that has been accustomed to losing the past 2 seasons.  ""Once this team realizes that the caner in the locker room, has been removed like a tumorous mole on their behind.  We shall overcome any obstacles.  I want Boytanio to skate harder, and stop moping on the bench that his better half isn't playing on this team.  I believe Boytanio, can be a great player some day.  But first, he has to rid himself of his past, and the ones who used him as puppet in their exploitative car government."

The Indoor Whalers will try to improve their record on Monday as they host the Brewins at 9:00pm.  Come out and support your hometown Waterford Indoor team.

Go Whale Go!

Short Bench Whalers Lose 4th Straight

"We are going to win this game!"  an advocate A1 Steak Sauce proclaimed.  A message that didn't resonate with the rest of the team, as the Waterford Whalers continue their slid into the basement cellar of the Glory Day Sports Roller Hockey League.

Coldplay and A.I. were not in attendance, as they have already given up on a team, a season, and a poorly run organization headed by the Car Arena government.  Coldplay had few words to explain, his absence from last night's game.  "I'm tired of losing."

Without Coldplay and A.I. the Whalers had to skate with only 5 skaters.  When ask about getting substitutions to fill the rest of the roster, Boytanio seemed unalarmed.   "It's only outdoor roller hockey.  Granted the rink is full size, and all of the other teams have 12 skaters a side.  We are the Whalers, we need to play the entire game.  Plus I don't have to hear Steve Arena complain that he is not playing enough on the car ride home."

Team Money Shot led by Gee Smiley, with Little Joey, DeNafo, Valentino, and goon thug Umosella harpooned a Whaler team, that was in dire need of a win, and a substitute.  Gee Smiley didn't give the Whaler squad much recognition.  "I'm so glad, I didn't join that dysfunctional organization.  When, you only have 5 skaters show up to a game is a joke.  They should change their name to the Waterford I want to play the Entire Game by myself Whalers instead."

Captain Quad's performance of 1goal and 1 assist was the only positive outcome of the game.  "At least this time, I didn't shoot the ball in my own net" a boastful Quads commented.

With only three games remaining in the season, the Whalers will try to finish with a 4-4 record.  Upset fan, and local thespian Gang Green, had some stirring words for the Whaler team, and organization "Its time to roll over and let the blood thicken, from the constant mutilation.  So now the Whalers are 1-4.  Not a surprise, when you have Boytanio in net sulking about his sad clown opera.  This is disgraceful.  Quads, and A1 its not to late to jump ship.  Back up the truck. This season is over!"

Contributor to the Daily Whaler, Master P sent this twitter message to the Daily Whaler news desk "Steve Arena you suck!"

The Tide has Turn

 What started out as a very promising season for the Outdoor Whalers, has now turn into a 3 game losing streak.  The Whalers have lost to Money Shot, Connor, and the Marlton Circle Coneheads in the past week alone.  Blame could be put on the presence of Steve Arena in the Whalers line-up, but captain Quads has positive words about his hard working forward.

"I think Steve Arena, is one of our best forwards.  He knows where to be, and has a more uplifting attitude this season.  Its like, he has terminated the dark looming clouds around him, and took a swig of that car Arena koolaid."

Ever since the car accident before the game on Tues, Coldplay, A.I., and A1 have been dumbfound on offense.  Their inability to score, and lackluster attitude has reason for concern in the Whaler lockerroom.  When reached for comment A.I. has this to say "I don't why this Quad guy, keep on yelling at us to get ready for the game.  We just got in a car accident! What does he expect?  I'm sure if his toe stoppers were rear ended, he too would be in a state of shock."

The Big 3 has combined for 2goals,  1 assist, -10 and 3 own goals in the last three games.  As compared to 10goals 7assists, and a +18 in the first game of the season.  Without the production of The Big 3, the Whalers have a very little chance of victory.

Superstar of The Big 3 Coldplay has this to say about his meager offensive production, "I can't score any goals, if nobody passes me the ball.  That Quad skate guy, needs to stop making turnovers, and feed me some passes in the slot.  Ruling the world, and rolling the dice is a tough job when you can't receive a decent pass."

At the moment the Whalers are back in the cellar at 1-3, but still have four more regular season games to improve their record.

Captain Quad's had some motivational words to his team "We need to get back to the basics and play hockey.  No more standing around, like a scarecrow.  We have to play positionally, and Boytanio needs to learn to make a save on a break-away.  I don't understand why he won't allow the General Rosco Gang Green to play goal.  At least Gang Green will bring heart and fire to the team, instead of a sad sneaky weasel, who flounders around in net, like he was the catch of the day at the Fisherman Marine Market."