Stilts Demands More Coverage of the Indoor Whalers

Whalers veteran and Daily Whaler supporter Stilts has demanded more press coverage of the indoor Waterford Whalers organization. "Nobody cares about an outdoor team, that is 1-5 and is on pace for another disgraceful season.  Its time the people were informed about the Indoor Whalers team.  Head Coach Master P, has motivated me to care once again for the game of roller hockey.  I was contemplating retirement, but once I heard the soft spoken voice of Master P address this team, I only wanted to skate my heart out for this fiery head coach."

With only 2 games into the season, the Indoor Whalers are 1-1.  Master P still has higher exceptions for a team that has been accustomed to losing the past 2 seasons.  ""Once this team realizes that the caner in the locker room, has been removed like a tumorous mole on their behind.  We shall overcome any obstacles.  I want Boytanio to skate harder, and stop moping on the bench that his better half isn't playing on this team.  I believe Boytanio, can be a great player some day.  But first, he has to rid himself of his past, and the ones who used him as puppet in their exploitative car government."

The Indoor Whalers will try to improve their record on Monday as they host the Brewins at 9:00pm.  Come out and support your hometown Waterford Indoor team.

Go Whale Go!

Short Bench Whalers Lose 4th Straight

"We are going to win this game!"  an advocate A1 Steak Sauce proclaimed.  A message that didn't resonate with the rest of the team, as the Waterford Whalers continue their slid into the basement cellar of the Glory Day Sports Roller Hockey League.

Coldplay and A.I. were not in attendance, as they have already given up on a team, a season, and a poorly run organization headed by the Car Arena government.  Coldplay had few words to explain, his absence from last night's game.  "I'm tired of losing."

Without Coldplay and A.I. the Whalers had to skate with only 5 skaters.  When ask about getting substitutions to fill the rest of the roster, Boytanio seemed unalarmed.   "It's only outdoor roller hockey.  Granted the rink is full size, and all of the other teams have 12 skaters a side.  We are the Whalers, we need to play the entire game.  Plus I don't have to hear Steve Arena complain that he is not playing enough on the car ride home."

Team Money Shot led by Gee Smiley, with Little Joey, DeNafo, Valentino, and goon thug Umosella harpooned a Whaler team, that was in dire need of a win, and a substitute.  Gee Smiley didn't give the Whaler squad much recognition.  "I'm so glad, I didn't join that dysfunctional organization.  When, you only have 5 skaters show up to a game is a joke.  They should change their name to the Waterford I want to play the Entire Game by myself Whalers instead."

Captain Quad's performance of 1goal and 1 assist was the only positive outcome of the game.  "At least this time, I didn't shoot the ball in my own net" a boastful Quads commented.

With only three games remaining in the season, the Whalers will try to finish with a 4-4 record.  Upset fan, and local thespian Gang Green, had some stirring words for the Whaler team, and organization "Its time to roll over and let the blood thicken, from the constant mutilation.  So now the Whalers are 1-4.  Not a surprise, when you have Boytanio in net sulking about his sad clown opera.  This is disgraceful.  Quads, and A1 its not to late to jump ship.  Back up the truck. This season is over!"

Contributor to the Daily Whaler, Master P sent this twitter message to the Daily Whaler news desk "Steve Arena you suck!"

The Tide has Turn

 What started out as a very promising season for the Outdoor Whalers, has now turn into a 3 game losing streak.  The Whalers have lost to Money Shot, Connor, and the Marlton Circle Coneheads in the past week alone.  Blame could be put on the presence of Steve Arena in the Whalers line-up, but captain Quads has positive words about his hard working forward.

"I think Steve Arena, is one of our best forwards.  He knows where to be, and has a more uplifting attitude this season.  Its like, he has terminated the dark looming clouds around him, and took a swig of that car Arena koolaid."

Ever since the car accident before the game on Tues, Coldplay, A.I., and A1 have been dumbfound on offense.  Their inability to score, and lackluster attitude has reason for concern in the Whaler lockerroom.  When reached for comment A.I. has this to say "I don't why this Quad guy, keep on yelling at us to get ready for the game.  We just got in a car accident! What does he expect?  I'm sure if his toe stoppers were rear ended, he too would be in a state of shock."

The Big 3 has combined for 2goals,  1 assist, -10 and 3 own goals in the last three games.  As compared to 10goals 7assists, and a +18 in the first game of the season.  Without the production of The Big 3, the Whalers have a very little chance of victory.

Superstar of The Big 3 Coldplay has this to say about his meager offensive production, "I can't score any goals, if nobody passes me the ball.  That Quad skate guy, needs to stop making turnovers, and feed me some passes in the slot.  Ruling the world, and rolling the dice is a tough job when you can't receive a decent pass."

At the moment the Whalers are back in the cellar at 1-3, but still have four more regular season games to improve their record.

Captain Quad's had some motivational words to his team "We need to get back to the basics and play hockey.  No more standing around, like a scarecrow.  We have to play positionally, and Boytanio needs to learn to make a save on a break-away.  I don't understand why he won't allow the General Rosco Gang Green to play goal.  At least Gang Green will bring heart and fire to the team, instead of a sad sneaky weasel, who flounders around in net, like he was the catch of the day at the Fisherman Marine Market."

Master P Wins Debut as Whalers Head Coach

Just as the leaves change colors for the autumn season, the Waterford Whalers begin their 2010 fall indoor season.  Its a new beginning for an organization that has struggle over the past two seasons.  In the off-season GM Boytanio signed Championship Goaltender Sargent Slaughter Steve to a 1year contract, that includes a "free jersey clause."

Sargent Slaughter Steve was happy to return to the Waterford Whalers, where he had such great success.  "Its great to back, I was getting tired of watching Barlow trip and fall over himself every game with the Outlaws.  I'm also happy to play for coach Master P, who has run a tight training camp.  Even though he shows up stoned out of his mind, his voice is poetic in the locker-room.  The repetitive phrase I heard was "You guys suck! Now skate 20 laps around the rink, as I drink my Thai Latte."

Last night the dejected Prom Kings hosted the Whalers to open the 2010 Fall campaign.  It was a very heated battled, as the Prom Kings were told before the game, that their prom dates were at home watching Dancing with the Stars instead of attending their game.

From the very beginging of the game Coach P were running quick line changes, and was a loud voice on the bench.  The Prom Kings, were also baffled of the defensive strategy Coach P had concocted. 

Master P went into further detail about the system he implanted into the Whalers.  "I know the Whalers have difficult times scoring goals, so I decided to play a more defensive style.  I put one fore-checker in the offensive zone, and put a diamond of three defensemen in the neutral and defensive zone.  I called it the Master P lock."

Nobody gets through the Master P Lock

 

 

In the game action upcoming star, Stilts led the offensive play.  He had 4 goals and 2 assists to help the Whalers with a 6 goal performance.  Holding the defensive fort was Sargent Slaughter Steve, who made tremendous saves down the stretch, denying the Prom Kings golden scoring opportunities. 

The Whalers won 6-5, matching already the total goal output from last season.  Coach P had some encouraging words for his Whalers "Tonight we suck!  I want to win every game this season by 8 goals or more.  If we want to compete with the Big Boys in this league, we have to score more, and play better defense.  Now boys, go skate another 20 laps and watch me drink this Caramel Mocha Frappuccino."

Go Whale Go!

The Big 3

The Outdoor Whalers have high expectations from their opening night victory of 10-4 against the Marlton Circle Coneheads.  Led by the powerhouse trio of Coldplay, Quads, and A1 steaksauce, who contributed all 10 goals.

Coach A.I, has crowned the trio, as "The Big 3." He commented further on the performance out of his top line.  "When you have the talent of a British pop star, a bottle of premium steak sauce, and vintage skating devices, it is a recipe for success."

Unlike past seasons, where the Whalers struggle to score goals, the Outdoor Whalers have a very serious scoring threat.  Credit is due to head GM "Chief Editor" who signed A1 and Coldplay.

GM Chief Editor had this to say "I got tired of watching Montel and Steve Arena shooting the puck 25 feet wide, and blame it out the strong wind currents inside the Flyer's Skate Zone.  Winners don't make excuses.  So I went out and sign Coldplay and A1 who come with a better attitude and stronger work ethic on scoring goals."

Quads, the other of "The Big 3" was very pleased with the performance from his line.  "The other teams in the Marlton League have no chance against us.   We have Coldplay, whom rules the world every-time he skates.  Than their is A1 who is an offense explosion of delicious steak sauce.   The other team tries to contain him, but they get a face full of that tangy steak sauce in their face.  Than their is I, Quad "F Kennedy" Skates.  I was born to play outdoors.  I fought hard for the Waterford Hockey Lights, without the help of the Arenas.  I stood up to the oppressive Waterford Township Committee and demanded our outdoor roller hockey.  My historic and crowd stirring speech I gave that one cold day in March still remnants to the few who remember these words.  Give me hockey, or give me death."

As long as the Outdoor Whalers continues to get production out of "The Big 3" line, a championship looks very realistic to a franchise that has been bottom dwellers for 2 seasons.

Waterford Whaler contributor Master P has this to say about the Outdoor Whalers "Without Steve Arena's negativity and dooming dark clouds in the locker-room.  The Whalers will win a Championship."

Whalers go Outdoors

 To further boost team morale and ticket sales, the Waterford Whalers have expanded their indoor franchise to an outdoor organization.  The Whalers now have an indoor team and outdoor team.  Two teams, two leagues, one grand ambitious goal of adequate play.

Our field reporter and outdoor extraordinaire "Quad F. Kennedy Skates", or as the ladies call him Quads.  Sent this report to the Daily Whaler News Desk.  

Hi this is Quads, for the Daily Whaler news team.  I'm here outside, where hockey should be played. No hot indoor leagues, with mustache aficionados plumber referees.  Its just clean air, and the hard asphalt of ball roller hockey.

Last night's game saw the Whalers dominant against the Marlton Circle Coneheads.  As I first approached the rink, I was hounded, booed and ridiculed upon by some racist Quad users.   These 3 puck/ball sluts were watching their boyfriends on the other team. When I first came out I saw them pointing and laughing at me- until I went quad crazy from end to end making everyone look like a cone and scoring on their Swiss cheese Ronda impersonator goalie.

Some guy checked me behind the net that Boytano was working in.  I retaliated with a shove and a "My Quads don't take any crap form anybody" attitude but their team got a penalty. A1 steak sauce splurge his delicious steak sauce all over the Marlton Circle Coneheads with a 4 goal effort.  The man known for ruling the world Coldplay had a hat-trick, while nursing a broken skate.  He rolled the dice, with toe drags and sniper shooting that had grown men crying yellow.  

I, Quads had 3 goals and a assist as well.  My blistering turn-around no look wrist shot were no match for goalie Conehead.  His large cone shape head, was dizzy from the constant goal scoring.  It was a shooter gallery as the big 3, Quads, A1, and Coldplay light the lamp to no regards.

Steve Arena and Montel were no shows, as they were at the "Million Miserable Man March" in Washington D.C.  Their motto is "We're here and we have a laundry list of complaints that we're not happy about." 

Without the tenacious "I only care about my playing time duo."  The Whalers were cohesive, with terrific team effort led by new head coach A.I.   He wasn't as good as the Collins or Master P but we definitely benefited from A.I.'s working knowledge of the game.

Mini-Boytanio and Matt Arena didn't show up on the scoring card, but A.I. will have a training camp before next Tuesday's game to improve their offense abilities. 

Our only competition should be the Gee Smiley team, that recruited Waterford Elite player Little Joey.  But the way we played last night, the outdoor Whalers should have an easy road to a championship.  Get your champagne on ice, and championship Lady Gaga videos ready.  This year the Whalers will harpoon the Marlton Outdoor League.  As one wise man told me;"heart, determination, skill, defense, ability to score,  and lack of complaining wins."

Go Outdoor Whale Go!

On, by the way here is the number 1, 2, and 3rd star of the game.

Eat your heart out Marlton Circle Coneheads

Viva la Quads! Viva la Quads!

New Sheriff

Days before the start of the fall 2010 season, management has made a drastic shake up to the Waterford Whalers.  We take you live, to a press conference held at the Waterford Gardens.

"Thank you all, for arriving at this historic press conference.  We've come to the conclusion, that our Whalers (garbage scrappers of the Bronze league), need a full make over for the upcoming fall season.  First we gave our beat reporter Master P a premonition to head coach. 

So I would like to introduce our new coach.  He comes with a great knowledge of wisdom attained from his wilderness tour in Nevada and California.   He is also a straight shooter, so no cupcake sunshine and rainbows to cover up poor performances.  I present the Waterford elite. The man with the sledgehammer of a shot....

Master P!"

Master P stands to a cheerful roar of optimism as he approaches the podium. 

"Hello fellow members of the Waterford media.  My first action as head coach is to cut Steve Arena.  Now that the cancer of the locker-room is gone, we can get down to business.  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Our roster sucks.  As of now, we're in negotiations to acquire some better talent to the squad.  The team from last season was god awful.  But, I think with a few new gun-slingers on this team, we should be decent.

I'm not promising glory days of championships like in the Winter 2010 season.  But we need to first get out of the cellar, and be a respectable team.

Also I would  like to instate, a policy of no sunshine and rainbows.  If I even see anybody hugging or making out in the locker-room, you're ass is gone. 

I would like to remember everyone on the team, that you were the worse Men's League team in the history of Skate Zone last season.  So if you want to win, pour that Arena Kool-aid down the toilet and learn to play the game of hockey.  We're going to have intense video sessions.  Constant drills of skating, shooting, passing, and making proper line changes. 

And if I hear one person complain about playing time, you can watch the rest of the game from the bench.  This season, the Whalers will regain respect.

One Love."

Master P gives the crowd a peace sign, and marches off of the podium.