Quads scores Game Winner, to Seal First Victory of the Season

Gather boys and girls around the warm glow of the computer monitor.  I'm going to tell you the legendary story of a man that was persecuted for wearing out of date skating mechanisms.   This man was of a large physique, and an even larger hockey loving heart.

He went by the name of Quad Skates, or as the locals would yell, "Quads what the hell are you doing?" Now, even though he wore older and non-inline hockey skates, he was a man not to be reckon with on the rink.  His shot unpredictable, but ferocious.  His speed lighting fast.  His hockey sense, not the greatest.  But, his character was nevre to be questioned.

Our story begins at the Flyers's Skatezone in the winter months.  The exact date, it is still unclear.  A super negative force of  two bitter and grouchy individuals.  Not to mention names, but Eric and Tyler begrudgingly outcast-ed  Quads for being irresponsible on the rink.  Any mistake, or wrong doing, Quads would get a ear full from the bench.

"How is a Quads going to learn, if he is constantly ostracized?"  a wise flannel loving Carny commented.

"I'm sorry Quads is a nice guy, but I don't want to play with him. I just want to take penalties and soak in my misery."  Eric the Sour Puss replied.

The negativity of the Super Negativity line was a force even a man with the statue of Quad's character couldn't ignore.

"Those guys just need to relax.  Tyler always has this grand plan of playing the "Tyler" way, while the Sour Puss Eric is too busy arguing that I need to take more penalties." Quads observed.

It was a tough season for Quads.  The Koolaid Killers exited in the semi-finals. He led the league again in an whopping 11,000 turnovers.  And the manufacturer that assembled his toe-stoppers closed out of business.  Quads feeling dejected and heart broken, decided to take his game to the outdoors.

The outdoor league was a morale booster for Quads, he could play like the good ole Quads way.  Skate as fast as you can, and not worry about position.  Quads flourished under an unconventional system, that utilized his blistering wrist shot, and the quick mobility of his toe stoppers. 

But, the outdoor league turned into another obstacle.  In the semi-finals, Quad's team were involved in a fight with a bunch of teenage punks.  Quads on the bench, when the incident occurred kept his cool and didn't partake in the fighting.  The outcome of the physical melee, caused an immediate suspensions of both teams from the league. 

Quads once again, was heart broken.  He loved the outdoor league, he thought he could happily retire to the outdoors and never think again of the suffering he endured while playing with the Super Negativity Line.  All he could think of was Eric and Tyler screaming "Quads why are shooting on our goalie!"

Retirement was a resolution Quads thought about over the next few months. He decided to give indoor another try, and keep up his skills on the 30 and over league.  On a unskilled roster, Quads became a instant super star.  Even though, the team struggled to maintain a 500 record, Quads was welcomed with open arms.
With his new team, getting blown out on regular bases.  Quads became frustrated with his teammates. "Its bad when I lead the team in goals, assists,+/-. playing time, and I'm still not even close to the team leader in turnovers per game.  I think, I saw the one guy on our team, play with a backwards blade."

Back to present day, as of Sunday.  Head GM, Swiss Cheese Ronda in a pickle of a situation, couldn't get enough guys signed up on the Koolaid Killers roster.  The decision to give Quads another chance, was something not in debate.  "I would take anybody at this point.  I would even give the cute girl who works the score clock a tryout."  Swiss Cheese Ronda farted.  Innocent bystanders just collapsed from the fumes of Swiss Cheese Ronda's monstrous fart.  

In the second game of the season, the Koolaid Killers were force to skate with only 4 Skaters, against the defending champions Kaos.  Quads unable to get dressed in time, the Killers were on the penalty kill in the early minutes. 

With the man-advantage, Kaos scored a redirected shot off of Stilts's stick that pop flied over a sprawling Ronda.  The puck was in the air for a good 10 seconds, as Ronda contemplating whether to get up and catch the puck, or take his chances and let the puck go over the net.  The chance wound up in the back of the net. 

Kaos took a early commanding lead of 5-1.  The Koolaid Killers huffing and puffing as every grueling second ticked off the clock were exhausted.  If the Koolaid Killers were going to win this game they would need a spark of energy or a person to step up.

Well, that so person happen to be the newly signed free-agent Matt Opperman. Matt with his physical play, and endless hockey spirit rallied for 2 goals at the end of the first half.  With the Koolaid Killers down 5-3 at the half-time intermission (this new league only plays two 24 minute halves) the comeback seemed manageable. 

Quads on the bench gave a speech that spoke true to his journey as an Adult League Hockey Player.  "Men, I've been playing this game for a very long time.  I skated with Abraham Lincoln at the Battle of Gettysburg.   I fought the communisst with steel roller wheels at the Bay of Pigs.  I even, trail blazed with Colonel Custer while shuffling to Frekazoid .  What, I learned in those experiences, is that the fight is never over,as long as I have the ability to skate with my galvanized toe-stoppers.  These skates, were custom made by the Native Quad skaters, whom know the ins and outs of the proper quad skating technique.  We can't lose gentlemen!"

Quads shuffling at the Battle of Little Big Horn

The rousing speech motivated the Koolaid Killers to tie the game at 5-5, Matt scored two more goals, by flying down the wing and firing a cannon of a shot.  

In a tied game, the Killers shut down the opposing team, forcing outside shots and low percentage opportunities.  Swiss Cheese Ronda, decided to melt his gaping holes as he covered every shot towards his direction. 

Matt scored two more goals to give the Koolaid Killer their first lead of the game.  Kaos scored a quick goal in the dying minutes to make it a 7-6.  During a scrum in the neutral zone boards, Quads gathered a loose puck and fired a bouncing puck into an empty net.  "Those are the type of goalies I like to face, ones that are not in the net." Quads commented later in the locker-room.

Kaos scored another late goal to make it a 8-7 contest, but with only 6 seconds, it was too late for another shot.  Quads had done it, he scored the decisive goal, to give the Koolaid Killers a gut wrenching iron-man victory.

Even though Matt Opperman had scored 6 goals, and was the only reason the Killers had any offense , Quads was praised by his teammates.  Quads, skating around the rink for a victory lap acknowledge the sell out crowd of 22,000 at Choice Inline.  Roses, were thrown on the rink.  Quads picked up the  roses and flowers , fighting tears, Quads gave a bow and blew kisses to all of the fans.  "I thank you all for believing in me, and my Quad Skates."

The other teammates of the Koolaid Killers gathered on the bench, and noticed something odd about the situation.  "Is it me, or I'm I the only person to noticed that Quads was wearing inline Skates tonight?"  A dumbfounded Stilts remarked.

"Just let Quads have his moment." the Chief Editor replied.  Stilts nodded his head, and began to clap his hands for a performance well done.









    

Whooo 2011 NHL Season

Coldplay Stripped of the Captaincy

No more Oh Captain My Captain Colplay :(

Cause he used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuule the world......oh wait , former captain Coldplay has been demoted from his captain role.  Coldplay who initially took over as the new leader, was very impressive in the early going of the season, but now has been forced to give up the C.  He is now regulated to a 4th line checking forward position. 

Former Koolaid Killer and apparel manager Quad Skates ponder the nonexistent Coldplay, "In the beginning of the season all I heard on facebook was Coldplay scored this amount of goals, or pictures of his tron helmet on a motorcycle deking in and out of the opposing team. 

Coldplay on a breakaway 

Facebook just became a constant newsfeed of the total awesomeness that was Coldplay.  But lately, I haven't heard anything.  Now, I just get Roma pizza advertisements.  Instead of delivering the pizzas, Coldplay decided to eat them."

The stats don't lie.  In the first three games of the season, Coldplay had 9goals and 6 assists.  Since then he has 2 goals and is a -12 in 5 games.  Some think, the injuries have had an affect on Coldplay, with the numerous facial injuries. Coldplay received 5 stitches on his forehead with a high stick, and then 2 stitches on his Abe Lincoln chin.

Sour Puss Eric had a different view on the situation, "I think Coldplay just sucks.  I don't understand how a bubble hockey player was consider the captain of this team.  Maybe, we need to get Coldplay a long stick and just let him twirl around in the slot."

Management has decided to promote up and coming superstar defense-men Stilts as the new captain.  "Stilts is a great stall-worth at the back end.  His calm demeanor, is a great influence to the rest of the Koolaid Killers bench.  We've watch Stilts develop from his early years as a Whaler and like his progression as a player.  The era of Captain Coldplay is officially dead.  Long live Stilts!"  

The Koolaid Killers ended their recent losing streak on Monday night with a 8-5 victory and will end the regular season tonight against Sunnyvale.  Currently in second place, the Killers will try to finish strong as one of the top two seeds. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Ed's OT winner catapults Killers to 5-1

Ed's howitzer of shot for the OT winner.

In a seesaw affair last night, the Koolaid Killers grind out a 10-9 victory in overtime.  Trailing 9-8 in the closing seconds, interim Captain Stilts made a end to end rush and fired a wrist shot over the Biscuit Snatcher goaltender.  The goal tied the game, and gave second life to a Koolaid Killer's team that was rather flat without their goaltender Swiss Cheese Ronda and an absent Captain Coldplay.

Swiss Cheese Ronda had a medical leave as the humid and high temperatures were elevating his gooey and cheesiness. "I could barely send out a text message to tell my teammates, I was not going to attend the game.  Luckily I crawl the rest of my melted body to the fridge and was able to retract my form as a human Swiss Cheese goaltender.  Next time,I'll make sure to bring extra ice."

As for Coldplay he was last seen updating his facebook, with a picture of his total awesomeness. 

An Awesome Raincoat Coldplay

The Biscuit Snatchers a team at the bottom of the standings, brought in a ringer from the Professional Roller Hockey League.  Eric the Sour Puss was none to please.  During the second period Eric pummeled the Pro Player with a viscous body check into the glass.  "If that guy is going to skate around like Nancy Kerrigan, than he is going to get hit.  Its some bullshit that the Biscuit Snatchers decided to get this dude to play.   He had 7 of their 9 goals. Next time I'll call up my boy Quad Skates, from the Professional Toe Stopping League, and we'll see how many goals he scores."

Going into the overtime, with the rule of 3-3 play the Biscuit Snatchers wasted a golden opportunity right off the opening faceoff.  Ed missed played a loose puck, and it was a 2-0 on Kooliad Killers replacement goalie Bob.  The Snatchers miss fired a shot high off the glass, and then batted the puck out of the air, for a high sticking disallowed goal. 

With the faceoff in the offensice end of the Koolaid Killers, Ed totally redemed himself with an open shot.  Receiving a pass from Hayes, Ed walked in and fired a laser beam low to the glove side.

Immediately after the puck went into the net, Biscuit Snatcher goaltender slammed his stick in frustration and yelled aloud his distaste for the Koolaid Killers.  "You fuckers!!!!!!!"

Eric the Sour Puss yelled back "You scumbags brought in a Pro player and still lost.  Go home and munch on some loser biscuits."

With the victory the Koolaid Killers are in the top of the standings with an impressive 5-1 record.  Already matching their win total from a season ago, the Killers are primed and ready to make a serious playoff run. Catch the action next Wed, as the Koolaid Killers host Home and Design at 10pm.

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Oh Captain My Coldplay

The Kooliad Killers return for the summer season, ready and primed for a championship run.

The roster has been tweaked from last season as head scout Tyler has decided to leave the organization for a promising head coaching position with the Baltimore Old Bay Seasoning Boys.  A superior recreational roller hockey team located in the the rain forest exhibit at the Baltimore Aquarium.  Tyler was unable to be reached for comment on his new professional endeavors. 

But we did managed to get a statement from Tyler's agent.  "It was a good run with the Koolaid Killers for Tyler.  Being the greatest plus/minus player all time was something he is very proud of.  He wishes he could of played another season, and continue the legacy of the Super Negativity Line.  But the opportunity of coaching for a local team in the bustling Mid Atlantic Belt-Way division was something he couldn't turn down.  Tyler wishes everyone in the Koolaid Killers organization the best of luck."

In Tyler's honor a half empty can of Tecate was pour on the Skate Zone sport court.  Referee John Gault wasn't very pleased by these actions.

"What the fuck?  You guys better clean that shit up.  I'm hammered already and don't want to slip on that insult of a beer."

Season 2 was officially underway.  Coldplay was nominated as captain, since his tron Helmet made it an easy indicator of when to change lines. 

"It's so much easier this season, when somebody needs a line change we just look to Coldplay and his helmet begins to flash into bright neon lines. "  A pleased Stilts commented.

Led by their Captain that already has multiple hat tricks in 2 games, the Koolaid Killers are 2-0 to start the season.  The new and improved line-up of Hayes and crew has helped added speed and offensive depth.  Also the addition of Ed has provided security to the back end.

On Wednesday Night the Koolaid Killers fought back to win 8-6 against Home and Design a rival home and improvement team based out of Folsom.  Trailing 4-2 in the second period in the closing seconds a shorthanded Coldplay dangled two opposing defecenmen which included turn-coat Eric the Sour Puss.  Whom is playing for both the Koolaid Killers and Home and Design.

Coldplay's game changing goal, cut the deficit to 4-3 going into the third period. 

A melting Swiss Cheese Ronda went to the bench to discuss strategy  for the third period.  "Guys, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up in net.  The carbon dioxide in my Swiss holes are starting to expand. I know I shouldn't have left the oven on. I just wanted to bake some cupcakes for my daughter. And now this shit is happening.  God fucking damn it!"

An unconcern Coldplay rallied the team together and began to sing one of his hit singles.  "Guys, Guys, I used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuule the world........"

Motivated by the words of Coldplay an inspired Koolaid Killers rallied back to tie the game 4-4, then Ronda began to fizzle in net.  A loose puck behind the net, Ronda tried to play the puck, but opposing forward Blazer grabbed the puck and fired a shot off of Ronda's pads into an open net.  Home and Design took a 5-4 lead with 5 minutes left. 

"For some reason, I think Ronda can play the puck well.  But by the time I remember he doesn't have very good puck handing skills, he usually flounders the puck to the opposing team." A baffled Chief Editor remarked about the goal.

Still undeterred by a 1 goal deficit, the Koolaid Killers took into another gear in the latter stages of the game.  Coldplay carried the team on his back like a determine Yeti stomping through a blizzard in the Himalayas.

 



A tied game of 6-6 with 2 minutes left, a turnover by the Chief Editor led to a breakaway for Blazer all alone on Swiss Cheese Ronda.  Blazer went in at full speed as the Swiss Cheese Holes in Ronda began to expand to the point, that he was in a parallel universe trying to compress his emptiness to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere. Blazer with an open net shot the puck high and off the crossbar.

Eric the new commer from the Hayes crew, whom studied at the Scores A Lot University of Hockey, put the Killers ahead with a back door goal from Mussels Marinara.  Ahead for the first time since the opening goal, Coldplay put the icing on the game, by ending the game with a phenomenal break away goal.  Head fake to the left, then to to to the right, Coldplay tucked the goal under the opposing goaltender's sprawling arm.

The Championship run has just begun, catch all of your Koolaid Killers games this season on Wednesday at the Flyers Dodgeball Dome.  Next game is June 23 at 9pm. 

Kill Koolaid Kill! 








 

Flames burn Koolaid Killers 6-5 to end season.

Franky the Flame of the Pennsauken Flames

Koolaid Killing time has come to an end, by the hands of the Pennsauken Flames on Sunday night.  It was the third time this season, the Koolaid Killers were defeated by the Flames, and it also ended any chance of a championship run.

As in many of the Koolaid Killers games, the game was close, but the Killers never had a lead and was always playing from behind.  

In the closing seconds, Tyler had the best chance to tie the game on a pass from the Chief Editor.  A centering pass from the far left boards went across a melee of players, to a undetected Tyler who managed to shoot the puck barley wide.

Quads then had the puck in the final seconds along the boards, but couldn't settle the puck down to get a shot off in time.  The Koolaid Killers fought to the end, but were defeated 6-5.

Assistant Captain Joey seemed pleased about the outcome of the season "This was a very successful season.  We started out slow at 1-4.  But our second half we finish at 4-2 and beat the Whalers in the first round of the playoffs.  It's disappointing, we didn't make it to the championship finals, but everyone in the this locker-room played their hearts out.  I for one, am proud to call myself a Koolaid Killer." 

Stilts blamed the vulnerability of the Koolaid Killers coaching staff for the playoff elimination"Yeah it was a tough season.  First we had 4 coaching changes.  Evil Mogilny, bitched about not having a designated parking space, for his Iroc-z.  Then Gang Green, was blackmailed for a indecent exposure incident in the Skatezone Parking lot.  Interim Head Coach Collins, never came back from a long night of break-dancing with Funk Master Flex.  So, we had to settle with Mr. Morrotto.  I wish we just ask him in the beginning instead of having to go through this circus act of head coaches.  Like why wasn't he put on the ballot?  Why isn't the blog updated more?  When are we getting Koolaid Killers warm-up suits? I just want answers! God Damn it! "

"Than you for your concerns Stilts.  Yes Mr.  Morrotto should of been on the ballot.  Like who voted for Joel Otto anyway.  I know the blog is very entertaining, and it's like a drug for the ones who like and dislike it.  But unfortunately this is not a paid position, and it takes me many hours to come up with these hilarious jokes.  You see most writers have the luxury of a staff joke writer.  I on the other hand, have to sit in front of my laptop and write jokes, and then read them allowed to my test audience.  I then give them a survey to fill out when I'm done, and rate each joke on a scale of 1-100 on the level of hilarity.  I calculate those scores, then I print the finalists with virgin Bull's blood as ink.  Once the ink, is dry, I post the scores on a hidden tree bark in the remote South Jersey Pinelands.  I wait for a pack of wild turkey to peck away at the scores, and choose the remaining jokes left on the virgin bull's blood inked paper.  But maybe next season we get some sweet Koolaid Killers warm-up suits."

Oh Yeaaahhhhhhh!!!!

The next Spring Season starts on May 13.  Ronda will be taking over for the absent Chief Editor, who will be taking a leave of absence, until the Fall season.  Joey, and Quads also opted out of their Spring League contracts.

Head Scout Tyler has promise some great new talent for the Spring Season.  Tryouts will held at the Waterford Gardens on Thurs May 5, if you think you have what it takes to make the Koolaid Killers squad show up for an interview, and a performance exam.

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Bye Bye Whalers!

It was the best of times, it was the even more better of times.   As the Koolaid Killers advance further into the playoffs with an impressive 5-2 victory of an emotionally distraught Whalers.

Even before the opening face-off the entire car Arena and Sergent Slaughter called fouled about an illegal player substitution.  "Ehhh....that's not fair if you let Ed, play Ehhhhh..  I paid all this money, and made sure to play in the most uncompetitive league available and now you pull a fast one on us.  That's like Ehhhhhh.............................not Ehhhhhhhhhhhh...................you know Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........Its Ehhhhhhhhhh...................."

After the 30th Ehhhhhh.... by Captain Arena, the Koolaid Killers ignored their concerns and got on with the game.

In the locker-room an inspired Joey "Domo Arigato" Morrotto rallied the troops,  "This is the Stanley Cup Finals for all I care.  I lost to those A-holes in the Outdoor League and never heard the end of it.  Do you know what it's like to lose to a Circus clown and two helper elves.  Believe you me, I still wake up in the middle of the nights and sweat puddles of humiliation.  I swore, to myself.  Never again!"

With the fired up speech, the Koolaid Killers played behind the words of Joey.  They never took a shift off, they never complained about playing time.  They vigorously played for the logo on their chest, of a Koolaid Man being tipped over. They had finally become true Koolaid Killers.

Joey skated like a wildebeest, going in and out of the Whalers defense.  The rest of the team, followed suit with bone crushing defense, and timely scoring. 

"I watched 11 hours of Wrestlemania classic footage of Sergent Slaughter to studied his weakness and flaws as a goaltender.  I wanted to be an impact player for our team, and put everything I had out on the rink.  This wasn't just a game, this was a message.  If you talk the talk, you better walk the walk.  Or you can just accept defeat."    Proverb 1:16 Joey "Domo Arigato" Morrrotto

With a commanding 4-0 lead after the first period, Swiss Cheese Ronda held down the fort.  A frustrated Boytanio was amazed by the performance of Ronda "I just couldn't find any holes to shoot on him.  Did Ronda get some cork filling plastic surgery done.  Cause that wasn't the same Swiss Cheese Ronda, I cut from the Whalers."

Swiss Cheese Ronda was very humble about his performance,  "Sergent Slaughter you can suck it!!!!  I guess you'll be stuck on 15 championships.  Maybe next time, you should can call the Iron Sheik from Iran to help you out next time."

"I will restore honor to the my good friend Sergent Slaughter"

With 5 minutes left in the third period the Whalers capitalize on their 7th powerplay of the game.  And then was awarded another powerplay and scored quickly to make the game interesting at 4-2.  Tyler called a time-out and settled his players down.

"You guys, need to chill the fuck out.  We're up 4-2 and I haven't even scored a goal yet.  So everyone, sit on the bench, and relax a second.  And watch this muth-fucka, turn some tricks, like a ho on roller-blades."

In the winding minutes of the game, Tyler block a pass and took the puck along the far left boards.  He put the breaks on.  Surveyed his options, and then let a fireball out of his blade.  Slaughter was so overwhelmed by the power of the shot, that it trickled through his pads.  That was the dagger, that ended the Whalers season.

The Koolaid Killers march on and will face their next opponent on Sunday at either 9pm or 10pm.  Wear your Koolaid Killers shirts with pride or you can purchase one for only $10.  Now is your time to join the Kooliad Killing Nation.  When life get's you down, remember the night the Koolaid Kilers punted the  Whalers out of the playoffs. 

Koolaid Killers Dominate without Head Coach Evil Mogilny

Evil Mogilny preparing his next sacrifice

Without the services of Head Coach Evil Mogilny, the Koolaid Killers dominated the Prom Kings with a 7-3 victory last night.  It was the most impressive win of the season, as the balance of lines contributed to 6 different goal scorers.

Swiss Cheese Ronda was stellar in goal stopping 23 shots and made an important save on a Short Handed Breakaway.  Quad Skates missed played a puck at the point, and was burned on defense.  All alone on the breakaway the Prom Kings's forward tried to deke Ronda out of his dairy boots.  But Ronda stuck out his right pad and close the gaping Swiss Cheese Holes with a pad save.

That was the turning point in the game when Ronda made that save.  At that time the Koolaid Killers were only ahead 4-2 in the second period.  If he allowed that goal, the Prom Kings would have cut the lead in half and the momentum would of swung in their favor. 

Interim Head Coach Collins was in shocked on the ability of Swiss Cheese Ronda's performance "I couldn't believe the excellence in which Ronda played last night.  I never thought Ronda could play that well.  Maybe, he felt more comfortable without Evil Mogilny lurching on the bench.  Does anybody even know what happen to Evil Mogilny?  I thought he was the head coach.  I just showed up tonight, because I was promised free beer and sweaty men to hang out with."

Evil Mogilny was rather upset his number wasn't called upon, in the absence of one of their players.  "It was a total insult that I wasn't even consider as a substitute player.  I've given my heart and evil soul to this franchise.  Like how many times do I have to sacrifice a goat, to be able to play. 

Bahhhhhhh Evil Mogilny Bahhhhhhh!!!!

I'm seriously considering resigning as head coach, if I'm not allowed to play in the final game on Sunday.  All I ask is for a chance."

General Management of the Koolaid Killers has issued the following statement "We understand the concerns of Head Coach Evil Mogilny's desire to skate for the organization.  But we feel that his inability to skate properly and fumbling stick-handling would be a liability for our team.  If he wants to skate out, maybe he should join a 40 year old and over league.  The disillusionment of Evil Mogilny's ability to play for the Koolaid Killers is rather an insult to all the players on the team.  He was asked to coach by popular readership vote.  Not to skate out, and be a total disaster.  Right now Collins will be the Interim Head Coach, until Evil Mogilny gets back to reality."

Back in the game action, the Koolaid Killers put together two dominant lines which contribute to the scoring.  The Super Negativity line got total revamped with the addition of the Chief Editor and Ed.  Sour Puss Eric almost had nothing negative to say.  "Well if I could speak freely, I would say Coldplay was a sack of turd out there.  I don't understand why they would promote Coldplay with his free bobble head give away.  You might as well give away free poop, it would be the same. " 

Tyler seemed please with the new additions to his line.
"All I ask was for a mutha-fucka to have some other muth-fuckas who could pass and skate.  Damn it took till game 9 of the season to fill my mutha- fucking request. I felt like a muth fucka slave waiting for reparations.  This mutha fucker was getting really mutha fucking pissed.  But its mutha fucking cool.  I gots some new gangsta mutha fuckers to play with now.  Yea heard!"

Stilts moving away from the Super Negativity line to his new home of the Domo Arigato Line played extremely well.  He excelled at being the stay home defense men while Joey would rush the puck.  Stilts didn't say too much, but just smiled at finally getting the opportunity to play defense.

Meanwhile Quads would stand in front of the net and jump over any shots Joey would take from the point.  They called it the "Quad Skate Jump a Rope Tactic."  Quads would wait for an opportune moment and charged in front of the net with all of his speed, and then would jump in the air to allow the puck to go under his Quad Skates.  Here is a more visualization of the "Quad Skate Jump a Rope Tactic"

Damn Quads!  You got some ups!!!

With this dominant victory the Koolaid Killers clinched a playoff birth.  They will try to even further their playoff position with the conclusion of the regular season this Sunday at 10pm.  It's fan appreciation night, as all fans will receive a Koolaid Killers glass pitcher to smash at their own discretion. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Late Surge not enough in Killers 7-6 Defeat

Coming off an emotional high from the previous dramatic victory against the Golden Monkey Whalers, the Koolaid Killers fell to the Pennsauken Flames last night 7-6.  In what was a game that was decided by the Koolaid Killers inability to play adequate defense.  The Killers came up short in their comeback late in the third period. 

Head Coach Evil Mogilny wasn't very pleased with the effort of his players, "The difference in intensity from last week's game is astonishing.  This team didn't come to play today, and it showed out there.  Like how many times do I have to scream, about not passing it up the middle.  If this continues, I'm going to have to lace up my 1991 Wayne Gretzky Ninja Turtle Skates and show the defense men how to play hockey."

The Pennsauken Flames kept pushing the lead further and further away from the Koolaid Killers.  Every time the Killers would score a goal, the Super Negativity Line would go out there and give up another goal. 

Sour Puss Eric blamed Quad Skates for their inability to put a successful shift together, "Our line was mesmerize by Quad Skates disco dancing with his 4 wheel primitive skating devices.  I thought any minute the Disco ball was going to lower from the ceiling and referee Luigi was going to strut down the blue line in a vintage disco shirt."   

"Hey it's me Luigi!"

Stilts also apart of the Super Negativity Line put the blame on Quad Skates as well, "I learned after the game Quad Skates was holding out on us, with a bag of Tecate.  If I knew about the beer before the game, maybe I would of put out a better effort.  Like what is that Quad guy thinking?  Does he think he can motivate us, by lacing up a pair of fossilized skates.  Who does something like that?  Did he hire a team of Archeologists to find those monstrosities?"

It took over 3,000 years, but they found the Quad Skates.

Even with the super negativity from the second line, the Killers still managed to keep the score maintainable half-way through the third period.  With 2minutes and 43 seconds the score was 7-3.  Any normal team would throw in the towel and call it a game.  But not the Koolaid Killers!

The intensity that was sorely missed from the beginning of the game, reappeared in a blistering Joey slapshot from the point.  Cutting the deficit to 3 goals, the Killers changed their strategy.  They used the large frame sizes of Quads and Eric and planted them in front of the net.    The Killers kept firing shots from the points, and attacked the net with poise and determination. 

Joey and Coldplay netted goals to cut the lead to 7-6 with 22 seconds remaining in the game.  With the winding clock counting down to the end of regulation, the Chief Editor had the puck on his stick for another dramatic finish.  He was far out and let lose a wrist shot that sailed over the net, and went to the possession of the Flames.   They cleared the puck out of the zone to Swiss Cheese Ronda, who had the last shot of the game. 

"When Ronda had the puck on his stick in the closing seconds, for some reason I thought he was going to let loose a cannon and fire a shot on the Flame's goaltender.   But, when i saw the puck flutter in air 3 feet away from his stick, I then realize that he was goalie, not a sharp shooter." Joey's last hope of completing the comeback.

Coach Evil Mogilny was rather pleased in his team's effort in the dying moments.  "A team's character is not judge on the way they handle success, but rather how they handle defeat.  And the way they charged back in the closing seconds, shows that this team has heart."

The Koolaid Killers will try to rebound against the Prom Kings tomorrow night at 9pm.  First 10,000 fans receive a Coldplay Bubble Hockey Figurine.  Remember when the bourgeois keep you down, knock down a door and scream "Oh Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh!"  

Kill Koolaid Kill!

League Notes:  The make-up game from February has been re-scheduled for this Sunday at 10pm.   Also the playoffs has been moved back a week, so take a look at the new playoff scheduled posted on the right side of the page.  League Commissioner Bob has stepped down from his duties as league organizer.  Jeremy Hall will replace Bob, so now we're back to the Horrible Hall Era again.  As Steve Arena would say "Uggggggggggghhhhhhhh"

Chief Editor nets goal in Overtime Thriller

"Seek forth and destroy the Whale, and peace shall be upheld in the universe"

Monday's night thriller of the Golden Monkey Whalers vs the Koolaid Killers was everything it was hype up to be.  Tight checking, great defense, timely scoring, terrific goaltending on both ends and one highlight reel goal in overtime that will be crowned "the greatest goal ever scored in Men's League Roller Hockey History."

Before the game Quads came into the locker-room and gave a rousing speech to his teammates.  "I know we haven't played our best hockey yet boys.  But tonight we're going to harpoon those Whalers.  It was four scores and a fortnight, that I too was apart of the Whaler's organization, but the propaganda puppet government was too much for my liking.  I've brought gifts of Tecate,

 and a special Corona tall boy for the number one star of the game.  I've bee oppressed too long by the Whalers and I look to spill blood on my enemies.    Now let's fight for the people of the Koolaid Killers Nation!"

The Koolaid Killers were impressive in their own end.  Jack Adams candidate Evil Mogilny has really put his defensive system into place.  "I told the guys, that if you want to score goals, you first must sacrifice an living being to my demonic God Mumra.  I'm still waiting for my goat, so we're just going to play defense for the time being."

Standout Tyler and Eric really played a very well defensive scheme.  Bruising body checks, constant poke checking, and intimating snarls from the blue line contributed to their defensive style.  Nobody on the Whalers dared to take on either of these players on. 

Even with the great defensive system in place, a great paranormal spirit was with the Koolaid Killers.  Let's take you to a place a few weeks earlier in the rural forest in Southern Virginia.  A great alliance to the Koolaid Killers nation, a Master P stumbles upon an mysterious gypsy fortunate teller.  

Master P walks into a tent, that is nestled along a forest path.  He is curious on what the merchant in the tent has to offer and questions the old looking women whom is siting on a chair made of sticks. 

"Is this the place that sells mushrooms.   I've been walking for hours trying to find somebody that will sell me mushrooms.  It's really boring in the forest without the Internet.   Like all I want to do is watch Falco videos.  But instead I went on this walk.   I need something to enhance this experience."

The old women is intrigued in our Master P.  She questions his appearance in this particular part of the forest.
"Young man, How did you get here?  This is a secluded part of the wilderness, only members of my family live here."

"Like do you have mushrooms or not.  Cause I'm about to leave and eat some wild berries instead."  Master P responds.

"Sit down, I feel a great spirit in your heart.  You've done many great things in your life, but I feel you're destine for greatness."  The older women asks.

Master P disappointed with the lack of response about hallucinogenic mushrooms, shrugs his shoulders and sits down next to the old women. 

"Let me see your hand." 

Master P begins to question the old women's incentives.  "Like are you some type of fortunate teller or something.  Cause the last time I got my fortunate told, a gypsy stole my bag of Percocets.  It wasn't cool man."

" I don't like to put labels on myself.  I like to refer to myself as believer in the paranormal arts.  And you young man have something inside of you, that I have never witness."  the old Women replies

Master P hesitate to comply with the Old Woman's demands, shrugs his shoulders again, and puts his hand out for the old Women to examine.  

The Old Woman begins to caress his hand, and is in awe at we she sees.    "I see you killing something in the ocean.  It looks like a gigantic creature of the sea.  Wait, its a........ Whale?  I'm really confused here, I don't know why I see this.  But apparently you're now sexual assaulting the whale, by putting your penis in its blowhole.  There is water being sprayed everywhere, and now I see you smiling with glee."

"Lady, are you trying to steal my bag of Oxycontin?"  Master P questions

"Is there something that is Whale related that has haunted your past?"  The Old Women asks

"Well actually, I played briefly for this team the Waterford Whalers.  It wasn't too long ago that I scrimmage with the Whalers team, but was denied playing time by head weasel Brian Boytano"

Boytanio with his sophisticated look

"That makes sense on why you would be raping a Whale in my image.  Since you were denied access to play, and only being used as a servant on the bench, you were basically violated sexually.  That is the anal type of sexual abuse, I'm speaking of.  You were bent over and made a bitch of by this weasel fellow." Old Woman explains.

"Lady, this is getting too weird for me.  I'm going to ask you for the last time, do you have any mushrooms or not?"  Master P angrily replies.

"Oh, mushrooms yeah, I have a bushel full of them, next to my painkillers I take for getting high.  Go.... over there.   They are on  my stove, near the cocaine and marijuana buds."

Master P walks toward the old women's stove and grabs a handful of mushrooms, a line of cocaine, and takes 4 pills of Oxycontin.  "Now its time to party!!!  If only, I had youtube.   I would be in paradise."

"Let me rid you of this Whaler spell that has haunt you.  When this is gone, I see great things in your life.  Maybe even the White House in your future, or a congressman." Old Woman urges.

The Old Woman, grabs the hand of Master P and then begins to chant "Take this evil spirit of a Whale and curse those whom support the Whalers which is run by a weasel.  Curse them!!! Muwahahahahahha"

"Why are you making that evil laugh?"  Master P ponders

A great wind, carries Master P out of the Old Woman's tent, and he is thrown back into the forest from which he came.  The force from the wind is so powerful, that Master P is knocked out unconscious.   He awakes in a bush, covered in thorns, and stickers. 

"What the hell happen?"  Master P begins to brush the debris off his clothes, and notices certain items missing from his jeans pocket.  "My mushrooms, the cocaine, my Oxycontin.  That evil gypsy has taken it all away.  That fucking bitch!"

Back to the Game >

The spirit that was lifted from Master P came to the aid of the Chief Editor in overtime, he felt a guided force that allowed him to dodge two forwards.  He faked to his own defensive zone, then immediately cut his skates in the opposite direction.  It was like he was carried in the air away from the opposing team.  He skated in the offensive zone on a 2-1 with Joey.  The head weasel was on defense, the spirit carried the Chief Editor towards the goal and push a blazing wrist shot that went top shelf stick side to win the game.

A grand celebration of a celebratory wind-milled followed by a mob of ravage Koolaid Killers whom joined the Chief Editor in triumph.  Quad Skates bewildered by the goal, was in a joyous mood "I feel like the Ewoks blowing up the Death Star in the Return of the Jedi."

The Koolaid Killers will try to continue their winning ways next Mon March 21 at 10pm against the Pennsauken Flames. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Evil Mogilny's Pre-Game Ritual Ends Koolaid Killers Losing Streak

Evil Mogilny with a charming "I'm going to eat your skin" smile

In what has been a dismal first half of the season, where the Koolaid Killers sank into the cellar of the Bronze League.  The Koolaid Killers looked to turnaround their season last night against BMX.  It was also the debut of newly elected Head Coach Evil Mogilny. 

Before the start of the game Evil Mogilny tried to motivate the troops of the Koolaid Killers, with a pre-game ritual that usually involves a sacrificial live goat.  But with a shortage of livestock in the premises of the Flyers Skatezone, Evil Mogilny had to improvise a proper sacrifice.

Evil Mogilny stood in front of his players and rouse them with a motivational speech.  "Now, I'm tired of reading about the horrific collapse of this team.  You guys are a bunch of pansies, and don't have a clue how to play hockey.  I'm an evil man of very few words, So I  decided to use my demonic powers to build team moral. "

At that moment Evil Mogilny brought an inanimate object into the Koolaid Killers locker-room.  It was a missing dodge ball, that was thrown at the direction of Evil Mogilny's charming smile.  Holding the ball with one hand above his head, Evil Mogilny started to chant to his Egyptian demonic god.

"Oh, Mumra my evil lord.  I present you a gift from the mortal beings of human Earth.  Take the soul of this Dodge Ball and power our Men's League Hockey team to victory.  It has been three weeks since our Koolaid Killers last taste the fruits of glory.  Sabotage our opponent and deliver us into evil.  Hail Mumra!"

The players of the Koolaid Killers were puzzled by Evil Mogilny's attempted sacrifice of a dodge ball.  Eric  the Sour Puss was rather upset with this strange occurrence.  "Mickus, why do you have the weirdest friends?  First you bring in Master P, who is now a dancing bear in a Tallahassee Carnival.   Then you bring in Gang Green who was caught masturbating in a bush outside of the Flyers's Skatezone.  Apparently he didn't want to be the only person to not bust a nut, whatever that means.  And now you bring is this Evil Mogilny guy, who is trying sacrifice a dodge ball.  What is wrong with these people?  Did you hangout out the insane asylum as a child.  Cause I don't know where you found these guys.   Like do you have any normal friends?"

A loud yell from the locker-room ceiling had interrupted Eric the Sour Puss's rant.

"Muwhahahahahhahahaha!  Eric shut the hell up!  Maybe if your were not too busy taking unnecessary penalties,  the Koolaid Killers could win a game. Now Evil Mogilny has sacrifice a dodge ball to help motivate the Koolaid Killers, and I've acknowledge his evil doing.  I behold the power of 20,000 years of Egyptian Mummies, and grant the Koolaid Killers strength to destroy team BMX.  Kill Koolaid Kill! Muwhahahahahahhahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!"

With the blessing of Lord Mumra, the Koolaid Killers were determine to end their season high three game losing streak.  The lines were shuffled with Coldplay and Quads playing on the same line with Joey and Chief Editor.  While the second unit was crowned the Super Negativity Line with Sour Puss and Tyler.

"Super Negativity line only needs Montel and Steve Arena and the entire universe would crumble."  A disgruntle Stilts commented.  

The Koolaid Killers played with more intensity and ferociousness.  Quads played like a man possessed by using his large frame to push his way towards the goal.  His constant forecheck, help set up numerous scoring opportunities. 

Late into the third period with the score 3-2 Koolaid Killers, Joey set up a wide open Coldplay in the slot for a one-timer.  Coldplay used the evil force harness by Lord Mumra's  Dodge Ball sacrifice and unleashed a fireball into the top right corner. 

The fans screamed the Coldplay chant of "He used to ruuuuuuuuuuullllee the world!!!!"  Quads gathered in the celebratory circle of players and stumble over the fallen goal scorer.  Quads only had ecstatic words to describe the magnitude of Coldplay's goal

"Coldplay's goal was a loud statement for our team.  His message of take this puck and shove it up your BMX pie hole was heard throughout arena.  The energy from that shot was the icing on the game, and it shows that even a Bubble Hockey Player can ripe it.  I think players from the Super Negativity Line can look to Coldplay for inspiration.  This is a turning point in our season, and this victory can salvage our season.  Now let's boogie like its 1989!"

The Koolaid Killers managed to hold off BMX for a 5-3 victory to improve their record to 2-4.  Next schedule game is Monday March 14 at 9pm against the heated rival Golden Monkey Whalers.  Make-up game has not yet been confirmed, but will be posted when it is re-scheduled.  Don't forget to destroy the masses and fight against the puppet government oppressors. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Bubble Hockey Player leads Koolaid Killers to First Victory

Coldplay prepared to rip a wrist shot

Last night the Koolaid Killers won their first game of the season 7-3, thanks in large part to a certain individual whom channeled a favorite childhood bubble hockey passion.  Forward Coldplay had been under a lot of pain this season.  Mostly due to his grueling European tour, and hectic lifestyle as a world renown Pop star. 

The Koolaid Killers forward was suffering with his inability to skate around their offensive zone.  So, Assistant Captain Quad Skates had a brilliant idea on how to utilize the talents of Coldplay without the physical effort of skating. 

"I was pondering what I could do, to make Coldplay move faster.   At first,  I contemplating of putting Coldplay on a Segway and let him hovering around the offensive zone in ease.  But, time wasn't on our side, and we didn't have any access to a Segway or any mobile transportation unit.  I decided to tie a large rope to Coldplay's waist, and have our goalie Swiss Cheese Ronda control Coldplay like he has a forward in a Bubble hockey game. 

Coldplay just needed to take a few strides forward, and then Swiss Cheese Ronda could pull him back in our defensive zone.  The momentum from the rope, would allow Coldplay to not use any foot work, and he could easily set sail back to our zone. 

Then when we wanted him to skate in the offensive zone, Swiss Cheese Ronda, could give him a large push, and let him fly down the center of the rink.  But we had the rope still tied to him, so if he went to far Ronda could always pull him back."

Opponent Massacre was confused by the strategy of the Koolaid Killers, and were baffled by the ability of Coldplay's Bubble hockey finesse.    It seemed as though Coldplay was a Soviet Union forward spinning in circles awaiting for the puck to come in his 360 degree radius. 

Swiss Cheese Ronda not only had a remarkable game in net stopping 20shots, but he also had the task of controlling Coldplay's every motion.  " This really took me back to my childhood of playing the famous bubble hockey games of USA vs USSR.  But this wore me out physically, like I didn't remember getting so tired from playing this game as a kid.  Next time, Coldplay should just rent a Hovearound."

In the game action Joey "Domo Arigato" Morotto had a spectacular game with 3 goals and 3 assists.  He broke open the scoring in the second period, with a highlight reel goal.  Joey took a pass from the Chief Editor, and barred down towards the goal.  He then carried the puck behind the net, and spun around the slot, by shielding the puck on his backhand.   He grunted a fierce backhand shot that went top-shelf over the goalie's right shoulder.

Mogilny had an orgasm somewhere, on the quality of the goal.

Coldplay, though limited with his Bubble Hockey mobility, still managed to contribute to the team's offense.  He had a goal and 2 assists.  Coldplay wasn't shocked of his brilliant performance.  "When you rule the world for a living, a minor set back of blisters on your ankles is nothing.  I'm surprised I didn't score anymore goals. Next time I will bring a longer stick, so Ronda won't have to push and pull me as much."

Tyler Irwin also set a Men's League Roller hockey record of being a +12, in a game where his team only scored 7 goals.  It is the first time, a player was credited with + even when his team didn't score a goal.  The officials thought, that Tyler was such a beast on defense, that they awarded him with 5 extra pluses.

Official John Gault amazed by Tyler Irwin's defensive play

Official John Gault was in awe of the defensive clinic Tyler put on Thursday night.  "I've never scene anybody play defense like that.  I didn't know what to do.  So me and the other ref, called central hockey operations in Toronto.  We wanted to be the first referees to install the new pluses rule.  They said, "Who the hell is this?"   I interpreted that as a yes, and the rest is history."

The official Score Sheet is as follows: Joe Morotto 3goals 3 assists +6 Chief Editor 2 goals 1 assist +6 Coldplay 1 goal 2 assists +6 Stilts 2 assists +5 Quad Skates 1goal 2 assists -2 Tyler Irwin 2 assist +12.  Swiss Cheese Ronda 20 saves, 3.00 GAA .865 Save Percentage. 

Next game is Feb 10 at 10pm against Steel Wheels, don't forget to "Vote for the Coach".  We have XL and XXL t-shirts for sale $12 bucks. 

Hunt for a New Coach

After a disappointing lost to Schooley Electric 8-6 last Thursday, management of the Koolaid Killers have decided to bring some expertise on the bench.  

"We feel the direction of the team is very sporadic, and chaotic on the bench.  We hoped Gang Green could organized the lines and make some motivational speeches.  But he is to preoccupied sending viruses on the Internet to New York Rangers fans.   Gang Green's actions have banned him from facebook, and has gained the nickname Rosco "The Virus" Gang Green.

So as an organization we looked to the Waterford Faithful Brigade for a candidate to help guide the Koolaid Killers to victory.  Our list included Master P, War Machine, Evil Mogilny, and Joel Otto.  It was a difficult decision to make, but we put each candidate through a grueling interview process."

First we brought in Master P and sat down with the previous Waterford Whalers coach.   Looking at your resume you have a history of success with men's league hockey teams.  What can you bring to the Koolaid Killers organization? 

Master P contemplating which burrito to order at Baja Fresh

 Master P:  Considering on how well I coach the Whalers last season, I don't see why I couldn't do the same, and even do better.  Those Whalers were a bunch of pansies, and I had to crack the whip to stop the bitching and complaining.  The Koolaid Killers have a lot more potential, which is something I never had with the Whalers.  When your top line consists of Boytanio and mini Boytanio there is something awfully wrong.

What is your philosophy on coaching?

Master P:  First I like to lay down the rules.  Everyone is going to skate hard, stick up for one another, and fight to very last second of the game.  I liked to install the 2-1-1.  That is two men hard on the forecheck, followed by one defense men  hanging in the neutral zone, and the other defence man hanging back in his own defensive zone.  I named the system after my favorite restaurant the Baja Fresh Lock.

Thank You Mr. Master P, we will be in touch with you shortly on our decision.

Next we brought in Waterford Hockey legend the War Machine.  His accolades include starting a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King 1999 at open roller hockey at the Colosseum.  Where he kick somebody in the nuts with his skate.  He also is know for firing his own team up, by starting a scrap or two.   Also his fireworks shows at the Waterford Gardens have received high remarks, by the Googily Gazette news publication.   

War Machine laughing at the idea of kicking somebody in the nuts

 Mr. War Machine do you have any coaching experience?

War Machine: No, but I have a lot of ass kicking experience.  I didn't start a bench clearing brawl on Martin Luther King day 1999 for no apparent reason.  

Isn't that ironic, that you started a physical altercation on a day that celebrates a man who was known for spreading peace by non-violence.

War Machine: Well, you can't have peace unless you have a War.  And I don't like this nonsense diplomatic non violent shit.  Like lets have a discussion and talk about it bullshit.  When you're in the heat of the moment, do you want to talk to your enemy, or do you want to do a spiraling spin kick to your opponent's gonads."

Ok, next we brought in Evil Mogilny to discuss the opportunity of being the Koolaid Killers next coach.  Evil Mogilny just not a pretty face that sacrifices goats, and knocks up mummified Egyptians.  He has won an astonishing 13 Tannsoboro Deck Hockey Championships, 3 Bronze League Championships, 2 square dancing honorable mentions awards, and 1 awesome Iroc Z. 

Evil Mogilny enjoying a lager

 Evil Mogilny, Why should the Koolaid Killers consider you a candidate for their vacant head coaching position?

Evil Mogilny:  Sorry I couldn't hear your question, all of my trophies are blocking my ability to hear at this moment.  Let me move this one at of the way, yeah let move this one as well.  Damn, I didn't know I had so many trophies.  What was the question again?

What makes you a qualified candidate as a head coach?

Evil Mogilny:  Damn, I really need to build another room for all these trophies I collected.  I still can't hear your question.  Let me back up my bulldozer to clear a space, from all these nuisances Championships I collected over the years.  If only I was a mere average human being, I wouldn't have this problem.  But being the greatest, the responsibility of cleaning and organizing trophies comes along with it.

Ok, we get the point that you have won a lot of trophies over the years.  But with all that success will that translate to coaching.  You have no experience coaching, and when people looked into your eyes they see a mad man who is going to ear their skin off.  How will you relate to your players? 

Evil Mogilny:  Listen did people question Marty McFly that he wouldn't be able to get back to the year 1985.  Yes, he was young, naive, and had a sweet ass hoverboard.  I too, like Marty McFly have a prized hoverboard, buy mine is also from the year 1985 and it is a Camaro Midnight Blue Iroc Z.  Do you think any mullet flying American has such a desired possession.  I had to restore, and baby this automobile over the years.   With this attention to detail, I could easily coach a men's league Bronze team. 

But Marty McFly also had "Doc" to help restore the flux capacitor in the  DeLorean DMC-12.   What are you going to do when the chips are thin and you need a spark on your team?  Who is going to come to the aid of Evil Mogilny?

Evil Mogilny:  I'm sorry, I still can't hear you.  These damn trophies keep piling up. Oh, can you feel the greatness in the air.

With the final candidate being Joel Otto, Detroit Rock City native, and Waterford Hockey alumni from 2005-2007.  He is known for his epic end to end defensive rushes, where he loses control of the ball before his first blue-line.  Joel Otto was heroic in his battles with the Original Harry Potter, who casts many spells on Joel Otto. 

Joel Otto captured under a Harry Potter motionless spell

Mr. Otto, I have to ask, why are you considered a coaching candidate?  You were a terrible Waterford Hockey player, you live in Detroit, and last time I heard your were still recovering from a motionless spell Harry Potter cast on you. 

Joel Otto:  I think the best coaches tend to be the players that were not gifted or had any honorable marks as a player.  Granted I admit I was one of the worse players to ever step on the Waterford Gardens, I learned a lot in my playing days.  First I would tell my players to not mess with an opposing player that has the ability to cast magical spells, or who is an apprentice at Hogwarts Academy.  

What kind of system would you install if your were coach?

Joel Otto: Watching Detroit Red Wing games, I was a great admire of Scotty Bowman.  His left wing lock, was historic and won the Red Wings 3 championships.  I think, I too can have the same success in using the left wing lock.   Also I would like to see my defense men rush the puck, and not making any initial passes.  I want them to not be afraid of carrying the puck end to end.  That's the Joel Otto way.

The Koolaid Killers wants you the fans to decided who deserves a shot at coaching the Koolaid Killers the rest of the season.  In the far right corner, a poll question will be asked by the readers to cast their vote.  Your options are the four candidates interviewed in this article.  Please vote as much as possible, and stand up to the establishment koolaid drinkers!

Jersey Release Party!!!!

Last night the Koolaid Killers unveiled their inaugural jerseys for the 2011 Winter season.  Thousands upon thousands were on hand at Ollie Gators Pub for the monumental event.  Here are a few of the lucky faithful who made the cut of getting published on the Daily Whaler

Stilts proud to be a Koolaid Killer

 

 

 

 

 

Mogilny posing for another season of being on the inactive roster

Tyler supporting our official sponsor Ollie Gators Pub.  Come after every home game and get $1 tacos and $2 PBRs.

 

Leader of the Koolaid Killers fan club, Roy. 

The first game of the season will be next Thursday Jan 27 at 9pm against Schooley Electric.  Come out and receive a free Koolaid Killers rally towel. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

News and Notes: Right Winger Anthony Mussels Marinara suffered a sprained shoulder during the scrimmage last Saturday.  He ran into Mike Blazer in his own defensive zone, which caused the injury. Team Medical Doctors have a time frame of 3 weeks on the IR.

"The type of injury Mussels Marinara suffered is a severe sprain, he needs at least three weeks of rest before he can return to the line-up.  I would recommend not associating with any hungry eating seafood lovers, as they might accidentally mistake Anthony for a dish of mussels marinara.

Anthony Mussels Marinara is dish form

Stay away from Restaurants, Bowling Alleys, low light rooms, the beach, and All you can eat Buffets. 

If he takes my advice I see a return by the second week of the season."

Killers split home and home with Golden Monkey

The Koolaid Killers concluded their pre-season schedule on Saturday evening with a 13-12 lost to the Golden Monkey Whalers.  It was an offensive explosion, as both teams scored a total of 25 goals.  Sergent Slaugther and Swiss Cheese Ronda both had uncharacteristic weak games in net. 

 Slaughter blamed the lack of intensity for his poor performance.   "I don't try in  meaningless pre-season games.  I won 16 championships and have a lifetime career record of 97-5-1.  With those impressive numbers, I don't need to prove myself.  And tell Master P to learn how to skate, and stop falling in my goal crease."

The Koolaid Killers came back from a 5-2 deficit to take a 8-6 lead going into the third period.  Captain Brian Boytanio requested for a few players to fill in the rest of the bench.  "Ahh.... half of our team left.  They said they didn't want to get embarrass anymore.  So we only have 1 substitutions left.  Could you give us your best player and call it even."

"What the hell, Boytanio?  Why can't you play with the guys on your bench?"  Assistant Captain Quads asked.

"Ahh........."  Boytanio gasped 

"This is your practice time.  You agreed upon the time, with your team and they didn't show up.  So that's your fault for poor management."  Quads continued

Boytanio without a response, skated back to his bench in disappointment.  The Chief Editor feeling sorry for the Sad French clown, decided to help the depleted Whalers roster.  "Ok, Boytanio you can have our star winger Master P, but this is the last time we give you guys."

The third period was very back and forth.  Without Master P, the Koolaid Killers began to collapse on offense.  Tyler was confused without Master P in the line-up.  "When I looked up, there was no Master P to pass it to.  I still can't believe the toe drag he pulled off on Hayes in the second period.  If that shot went in, I would have ejaculated all over the rink."

Head Weasel Boytanio, decided to not play Master P and sit him on the bench for the entire third period.  His plan of stealing the best player on the Koolaid Killers, and make him suffer without playing had worked.  The Koolaid Killers packed it in the third and lost in a heart breaking 13-12 fashion.

Master P was none to happy about Boytanio's weasel actions.  "That was total bullshit.  I had so much fun playing on the Koolaid Killers, and then Boytanio weasel me out of playing time in the third period.  I don't understand why he has to play the entire game, he clearly isn't very good, and he is not in very good shape either.  Also I had to hear Sergent Slaughter bitch about my skating ability, when I had only one shift.  Slaughter go change your tampon!"

With the poor performance by the Whalers, Head Captain Brian Boytanio has decided to move back down to the bronze division. 

League official Bob Anderson, has called for a replacement team to substitute  the Whalers in the Silver league.  "Apparently, The Whalers have lost half of their roster from last season and have requested to move down in the Bronze league. Now their is an unbalance of teams in each division, so I'm asking anybody from the bronze division if they would want to move up.  This also effects the league schedule, which was suppose to be completed by today, but now the Whalers have delayed everything.  Thanks a lot Brian Boytanio, you dick weasel."

The Start of the season will begin next week, the exact date it is still unsure.  But stay connected to the daily whaler, and we will post the league schedule once it is released.  Jerseys should be done by Friday, or sooner.  Have any questions, chime in with  responses.  No, tickets to our games are not re-sold on Stub Hub.  You have to directly purchase them on Gang Green's facebook page, along with a sound mixer he is selling. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!

Pre Season Schedule Announced

The Koolaid Killers, have announced a pre season schedule against the heated rival Golden Monkey Whalers this week. A home and home series will begin this Thursday at 10pm, and will conclude on Saturday at 5pm.  Management of the Golden Monkey Whalers look forward to a pre-season math-up with the highly anticipated Waterford Koolaid Killers expansion team. 

As a means of good will the Golden Monkey Whalers will give all fans in attendance free spicy egg rolls.  Hurry and come to the Flyers Skate Zone as the first 3,000 fans receive a Golden Monkey Menu signed by captain Brian Boytanio. 

Even though its only a friendly pre season game, general manager Gang Green looks forward  to the pre-season matches.  "Its a measuring stick, on how well our team is.  The Golden Monkey Whalers are an above average team in the silver division.  So if we can perform well, our season looks very promising.  Plus I want to see Boytanio drilled into the boards.  The first player to lay out Boytanio, gets my full respect and a free lap dance by the Evil Mogilny mummified posse." 

A schedule for the 2011 Winter season will be released shorty and will be posted on-line once it's announced.  All players have to be USA hockey registered, so please go to http://www.usahockeyregistration.com/ and fill out the necessary forms. 

Kill Koolaid Kill!